If you hadn't seen your Father in 20 Years......?

Question

And the last time you did see him, he left your Mother with a Black eye? Then out of nowhere he pops up to say "I'm Sorry" and "I would like to be apart of your life"

What do you do ? I'm in this situation, I don't even know this man, all I know about him are the bad things my Mother and family have told me.

Answer 1

The first question you have to ask yourself is why did it take 20 years for him to decide that he wants to be a part of your life? Where was he during your childhood? It's actually quite arrogant for him to walk back in and expect you to forget everything and welcome him back.

My advice would be to tell him bluntly to go to hell. It sounds like your mother was there for you when he wasn't, so you need to consider your mother's feelings in all this. I've been in a similar situation and honestly, the best thing you can do is tell him to go to hell. He's part of your past and he should stay there. He only has himself to blame.

Answer 2

Maybe he does have his life turned around, if you wish to give him a chance, go ahead. You know his violent history, I do not have to tell you to be careful. Maybe do not bring him around your family just yet, if you are married, or have a bf, or gf, take them along. Meet in a fairly quiet public place.
Please do not be disappointed if father has his own agenda for seeing you. He might want money, a place to stay, or a link back to your mother. He might not really want a relationship with you, even if he says he does.
If it were me, I would want to know, just for curiosity's sake. You need to look into your heart to see what you can bring to a possible relationship. But it isn't me, it's you. Maybe he has drug or alcohol or both problems. Maybe he has a psych problem. Maybe he has had another family, maybe for a long time. Maybe he is sincere. I do not watch many of those wild talk shows where they do things like reunions with long lost relatives, but I understand that it works out about 50% of the time.
If it doesn't work out, be careful leaving the place where you agreed to meet, make him leave first, so he can't see your licence plate, or follow you home.
Maybe a phone conversation is a good first step. Tell him you want to see all the cards on the table before you meet. And do not go to his house the first time you meet, even if he says his family is there. Ask to see pictures, maybe he would like to bring his family to the meeting place.
I am adopted, I have never known my real parents. I have always said if they could give up a cute baby girl to strangers, they do not deserve me now. One of the extras with my adoption was that my real mother not know the address of my adoptive parents, she did not want to be tempted to drive by to catch a glimpse of me. She knew my parents name. They were in the phone book. If they showed up today, I would get my medical history, ask about them, and show them the door. Again, this is me, not you. And different circmstances.
Good luck.

Answer 3

First, try to determine what type of relationship you seek with him. If the only kind of relationship you envision with your father is a close relationship where he attends family gatherings for example, connecting with him may result in family tensions for you in light of the negative history with your mother and family. On the other hand, if you would welcome a civil but distant relationship, one that perhaps involves having a cup of coffee together every few months and giving each other a call once in a while, then connecting with him may work out well for you. Once you know what it is you are envisioning, you can prepare yourself and your family.

Second, be clear from the beginning both with him and your family about what you envision and how things will work. Communication is key and the clearer you are about your goal from the beginning, the less tension and confusion there will be.

Answer 4

I hadn't seen my father in about the same amount of time. I did meet with him and we have a pretty good relationship now. At the time he said if I had tried to have any kind of relationship earlier, it wouldn't have done either one of us any good because he didnt have his life in order and was pretty much a drunk loser. He had gotten to a point where he was older, clean and sober and really turned his life around. I went into it with no expectations so as not to get hurt or disappointed and it has worked out well. Our relationship now is pretty private among the two of us and the rest of the family pretty much doesn't ask any questions and I dont really share anything either and that keeps the peace.

Answer 5

This is totally your call, but your father has to EARN the right to come back in and be a part of your life now and you get to call the shots because he forfeited that right when he left 20 years ago. Having said that, I will give you the benefit of 50 years worth of experience...many adults who made huge mistakes with their kids when they were younger don't realize or understand the pain they've caused until YEARS later. But once they get it, they can truly turn out to be a very positive force in their children's lives. Give him a break if you want to, but don't feel guilty about it if you decide not to let him in your life. It's your call, so follow your heart.

Answer 6

I dont think you are gonna get the answer you are looking for on here. I think you already know what you want to do. It is such an individual thing. I have never met my father. I founf him 2 years ago and have talked ot him on the phone but never met him in person. I was kinda in the same situation....all I knew is what was told to me and it was not good. What helped me was to realize the past was the past and the present and future are what you make of it. I did first bring up things and questions I wanted to talk about. He was very kind and answered everything. I think he was understanding that I needed that to heal. I would recommend that you dont argue but talk rationally and try to resolve anything you feel you need to.

Answer 7

Your father might have done a lot of bad things in the past, but you are grown now and can draw your conclusions about him. I say give him a chance, people can change. Maybe he now realizes that he made a mistake. I am 23 and have NEVER SEEN OR HEARD FROM MY FATHER! I would give anything to see his face or hear his voice. Give your father a chance, and you decide whether or not you want a relationship with him.

Answer 8

Forgive and forget it hard to do, but its your choice to decide. Yes it's a very hard decision, you have to ask your heart and your soul if you want to have your father in your life or if you will get on 20 more years without him. I see my father everyday, and I can't stand the things he did to me during my childhood as well as things he did to my mother. Once a parenting relationship goes bad they seem to have "changes of heart" but they don't stop to think about the hurt they caused their children. Its a big deal because whether it goes right for you and your father and it will big a big deal if it goes awful for you. I just wouldn't trust no one, personality that's put me through BS and walked out of my life. My fathers never walked outta my life but I certainly wonder what if it would of been better if he had. ((Hugs)) I wish you all the best.

Answer 9

I would just sit down and think if I am ready to let him be a part of my life. If not, I would just tell him that he really hurt me and I haven't forgiven him yet. If I decided that I really was ready to talk rationally to him, I would prepare what I wanted to say first so that I knew that I would understand why he just showed up out of the blue. In the end it comes down to whether or not you are ready to talk rationally to a man who hasnt been a part of your life for 20 years. If you arent, then you are by no means obligated to respond to his request. Just tell him you arent ready for this and that you will contact him when the time is right. even if the time is never right, at least he will know that you thought it over. hope this helps.

Answer 10

He has no redeaming value to your life. If you are happy and well adjusted and happy with your family and life, there is no need for this man to bother you. What does he want from you? If a man gives the mother of his child a black eye, he is scum. He will do it again. He does not deserve a relationship with you.