I have been with my bf for almost 3 years and at first his children excepted me with open arms even went as far as calling me their step mom. About a year ago their mother moved down to be closer to her children and just within the past few months the children have been changing. I am no longer their step mom, I am just dads gf. Everytime the 16 year old girl goes to see her mother she comes back to treat my two small children 11 and 4 like they don't exsist and alienating them. All 3 girls have to share a room and the 16 year old makes them feel like they are not welcome when they are here. My children are not handling this very well and niether am I. I have asked my bf to talk to her but he doesn't say the right things to her to make her understand and when I do.... her mother intergets and says something different. Now what?
2006-09-12 04:53:58 · 25 answers · asked by Redneck Girl 2 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
The girls share a room because we are in the process of building on to the house.... but she still doesn't need to be disrespectful in the interum. Regardless.
2006-09-12 05:13:58 · update #1
Second of all regardless if I am married or not I am an adult and respect is still due. I don't try to be their mother nor have I ever, they called me their step mom because they chose to not because I told them too. I pay the bills as well as he does and she doesn't watch my children... I was in a car wreck which has left me disabled, I can't work right now.
2006-09-12 05:16:03 · update #2
Your boyfriends children are feeling torn between you and their mother. They feel as if they treat you and your children nice then they are being disloyal to their mom. They don't hate you they are just confused children who don't know how to deal with their emotions. Just continue being the same loving person you were to them before she moved closer. By no means accept disrespect and protect your children but don't make her feel as if you are attacking her. What ever you do don't say anything negative about their mother they will see eventually that you still love them and that to love you back is not cheating their mom out of anything. Keep your head up it's going to be a uphill battle but you will see it will be worth it.
2006-09-12 10:50:03 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
You know, if you want respect as an adult, you need to earn it. You are nothing to those children, but the maid. Your bf doesn't show you respect, why should they?
You have 0 authority, since they didn't pick you, they didn't love you, and their father thinks so little of you that he "isn't ready" to marry the woman who is raising his kids for him. He doesn't even help you take care of HIS kids (like backing you up)!
What do you have to do for him to get "ready," send them off to college on your nickel?
He is using you. He may not MEAN to, but the result is the same.
Those children are suffering from your need to be with some man, who has very little respect for the terrible situation he (and you) has put you and all those children in.
A 16-year-old needs her own room-It should be at grandma's or mama's or a nice cousin-someone who won't put up with her meanness. She is playing you all against each other-just for the drama of it. Teen girls love that -even when it hurts.
And you and those children of yours need to move on--the sooner the better.
Even giving him an ultimatum is not going to work, because he is already getting what he wants and he seems not to have any interest in marrying you.
If he "gives in" and marries you, you are still going to have a nightmare on your hands with his kids not respecting you. It may help some, but you guys need family counselling. TDDAY!
A real step-mom is the hardest job in the world--you are always wrong! Even if dad steps up like a man and backs you up and does half the work-which you do not have and won't ever have.
A woman who is dad's gf who is trying to run things is just dad's tramp-who has no right to tell anyone what to do-and YOUR OWN kids won't respect you either.
Get a friend to take you to the bank and take out half the money-on payday, and HOBBLE outta there.
Hopefully you still have some settlement money to live on.
Good luck.
2006-09-12 08:35:48 · answer #2 · answered by Lottie W 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
An ingrate is someone who cannot remember a favour you cannot forget.
Well, your step children aren't there for your enjoyment! Even if they were your biological ones, I'm sure that as a parent you still wouldn't get much better treatment.
You have got to earn their respect, their love too. After all, it looks like they have yet to earn yours?
Try to work on it, just, carry on being yourself, you might have to see it as starting from square one. You might have dated your boyfriend for years already but you didn't go out with your step children for that long!
It is natural that the 16 year old will see you as someone who seperated her loved one, and therefore she might resent you and your family. You have to show her why you and your boyfriend are together!
A reminder! You are not competing with the 16 year old's "ex" mother. You are competing with yourself. How are you going to let the 16 year old know that you can be a great mother too? That is up to you.
All the best.
2006-09-12 05:05:22 · answer #3 · answered by lkraie 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
1. Chill a bit. Don't freak out. She's looking for a reaction and savoring every moment you spend in agony. So's her mom. Your kids getting hurt is just a bonus.
2. Get your kids to talk to her. Tell them to ask her if she doesn't like them anymore. If she's rude and mean straight to them, then it's time to get serious.
3. Crime and punishment time. Sit and have a talk with your bf. Incidentally, why aren't you two married yet? If you intend to get married, start making plans. That gains you more respect and clout. Of course, this step has to work or I'd tell them I'm scrapping the whole affair, if I were you. While you talk with your bf, you two make rules for all the kids, like "no being rude" and so on. Write them large on a piece of posterboard. Pin it to a wall where everyone can see it. Add consequences for breaking the rules and stick to the same rules yourself.
4. Finally, ask, with him, if his kids want to move in with their mother. They may be blaming you because they think they can't.
Try all that and you'll likely hit on a solution that solves the problem.
2006-09-12 05:25:29 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Divorce is hard on children any age. I think the Mom is putting things in the girl's head. Like maybe she doens't want her calling you any form of mom. But when it comes to your kids. Set rules for her. Tell her she doesn't have to call you Mom or she doesn't have to be best friends with your kids. But she does have to be decent to them, since they live there too. Weird how she is with you guys and not her mother. That says things right there about her mother. What ever you do NEVER say anything bad about her mother in front of that girl...EVER. No matter how bad she pisses you off, dont' do it. She will work on her dad to break you two up or she will hate you for sure. Right now, it is just a teen thing. But bad mouth their parents and that is ammo for her to hate you and rebel more. Good luck. Teenagers are very hard, but when they aren't your own, they are even harder.
2006-09-12 05:00:44 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
First, there is nothing wrong with kids sharing a room. When I was growing up, I knew several kids that had to share rooms, and every one of them are alive and well today.
If the 16 year old is so miserable living with you, then she should go and live with her mother. Plain and simple.
2006-09-12 06:34:34 · answer #6 · answered by innocence faded 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
first step is find an attic fond a garge but that girl (the 16) needs to have her own room and space. she prob feels liek she is the one who has to be responsible for the younger two. Do you find your self asking.. or maybe telling or assuming that she watched the kids everyday untill you get homoe form work or go out or whatever... the girl is a teen and needs her own space. Most 16 yearolds are dating and having sex and doing 100 other things they shouldnt be doing... if your step daugther is off drugs and makig grades...chances are shes a good kid and just needs a little privacy and time to her self while she is gogin through changes and experiancing new things...teens can be hard.. btu it sounds liek if she was given more repsect.. maybe sh just might do the same... or maybe shes a brat =P
2006-09-12 04:59:30 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
properly, in case you like a newborn you should perform a little stressful thinking. Having a newborn at a early age is a few thing you should no longer do. except you're already working and function a life plan on how the babies life could prove. in case you intend on having a newborn you'll have a stable paying interest and a perfect buddy .
2016-11-07 04:20:06 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
its obvious that the mother has something to do with this. have a talk with your bf, and both of you talk tho her when she is there. its your house and your rules, maybe her mother will let her act like that when she stays with her, but make it clear that you will not put up with her treating the other children of the house badly. and there will be punishments for it. whether it is taking away the phone for a week, stick to it. she is a teenager, and there is bond to be some kind of problems between her and your kids, because of the age, but the longer you let her get away with it, the harder it will be to fix it! Good Luck, and make sure no matter what your bf enforces the new rules!
2006-09-12 05:03:03 · answer #9 · answered by tnmomof2as 3 · 2⤊ 1⤋
What the hell are you doing living with a man you aren't married to and setting this example for your children. You are not the step mom you are the live in girlfriend call it what it is. You situation is confusing to everyone involved especially the poor children. Your responsibility to is to your own children. You have no say so in anything that has to do with your bf's children. The title girlfriend means nothing. How dare you put your own children through this mess?
2006-09-12 04:58:10 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋