2006-09-12 02:41:23 · 40 answers · asked by Sharm 2 in Entertainment & Music ➔ Jokes & Riddles
Thank you everyone who sent me a joke. It made my day.
2006-09-12 02:57:29 · update #1
A fairy appears to an elderly couple, she grants each of them just one wish, the lady wishes for enough money to go on a cruise with her husband, the fairy waves her wand and immediately, the lady has two tickets for the most amazing cruise for them both!!
Next, the fairy asks the elderly gentleman what his one wish would be?
He turns to his wife and says "Sorry dear but, my one wish would be to have a wife 40 years younger"......The wife breaks down crying.
The fairy waves her wand and immediately, the man is transformed into 97 years old!!!!!..............................
The moral of the story is........................... Don`t ever forget, all fairies are females and will stick together!!!!!!!
2006-09-12 02:52:06 · answer #1 · answered by Happy. 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
A couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.
So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."Where are you going, Coochy Coo? asked the wife.
I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer. The wife said, "You want a beer, my love? She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes Lollipop...but at the bar...you know they have frozen glasses . He didn't get a chance to finish the sentence, because his wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, "Puppy face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it .
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll , but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious. I won't be long . I'll be right back. I promise OK?
You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Poo? She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in a blanket, mushroom caps, and pork strips.
But my sweet honey...at the bar..you know there's swearing..dirty words and all that.
You want dirty words "Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP CHICKEN ****...SIT YOUR *** DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED *** ISN'T GOING TO A DAMN BAR! THAT **** IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS /
and they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story.
2006-09-12 02:59:39 · answer #2 · answered by zurioluchi 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Paddy and Murphy are on a building site.
Paddy comes around the corner with a big smile and a brand new pair of Wellington Boots.
Murphy asks his mate "Where did you get the boots from, Paddy?"
To which Paddy replies "From the boss, he's such a nice man. And he also helped me by painting an L on one of them and an R on the other, so I know which foot to put which boot on."
"Ooh", says Murphy, "now I know what the C&A stands for in my wife panties"
Q. Whats green, has 4 legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?
A. A snooker table.
Q. Whats yellow and smells of bananas?
A. Monkey sick!!
2006-09-12 03:40:32 · answer #3 · answered by gorg3ous_f3lla 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area.
Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten..." as Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a mysterious cod appears and says, "Your wish is granted", and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time went on (as it invariably does...) and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While out swimming alone one day he sees the mysterious cod again and can't believe his luck. Justin figured that the fish could change him back into a prawn. He begs the cod to change him back so, lo and behold, he is turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. (The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).
Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal.
"Where's Christian?" he asked
.
"He's at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark", came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's house. As he opened the coral gate the memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again." Christian replied "No way man, you'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked." Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed......................
"I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again Christian!"
2006-09-12 02:54:29 · answer #4 · answered by epsonvwc760 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
RECTUM STRETCHER
While she was flying down the road yesterday (10
miles over the limit), a
woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun
on the other
side lying in wait.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that
classic
patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, What's
your hurry?
To which she replied, I'm late for work.
Oh yeah, said the cop, -what do you do?
I'm a rectum stretcher,she responded.
The cop stammered, A what? A rectum stretcher? And just
what does a rectum
stretcher do?
Well,she said, I start by inserting one
finger, then work my way up to
two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand
in. I work from
side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly
but surely
stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide.
And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot ***
hole?he asked.
-You give him a radar gun and park him behind a
bridge...
Traffic Ticket 95.00
Court Costs. 45.00
The Look on Cop's Face. PRICELESS
2006-09-12 02:56:16 · answer #5 · answered by baby j 3 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Q: Why does the elephant wear pink tennis shoes?
A; They don't make white in his size.
Q: Why is the elephant floating down the river on his back with all four legs sticking up in the air?
A: So he won't get his pink tennis shoes wet.
Q: Why is the elephant wearing three pink tennis shoes and one yellow one?
A: He didn't lift his leg high enough.
A gorilla walked into a quiet country pub and, putting down a £10 note, asked for a pint of bitter.
The barman served him and thinking "I bet he's a bit dim", gave him £5 in change.
Then, wishing to appear friendly, said: "we dont usually get many gorrillas in here".
"I bet you dont", replied the gorrilla, "if you charge them £5 for a pint".
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of pounds for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten pounds and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy quid?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not goi! ng to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex."
2006-09-12 03:08:25 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Three golfing partners died in a car wreck and went to heaven. Upon arrival they discover the most beautiful golf course they have ever seen. St. Peter tells them that they are all welcome to play the course, but he cautions them that there is only one rule:
Don't hit the ducks.
The men all have blank expressions, and finally one of them asks "The ducks?"
"Yes", St. Peter replies, "There are millions of ducks walking around the course and if one gets hit, he squawks then the one next to him squawks and soon they're all squawkin to beat the band, and it really breaks the tranquility. If you hit the ducks, you'll be punished, otherwise everything is yours to enjoy."
After entering the course, the men noted that there was indeed a gaggle of ducks everywhere.
Within fifteen minutes, one of the guys hit one of them. The duck squawked, the one next to it squawked and soon there was a deafening roar of duck quacks.
St. Peter walked up with an extremely homely woman in tow and asked "Who hit the duck?"
The one who had done it admitted "I did."
Immediately, St. Peter pulled out a pair of handcuffs and cuffed the man's right hand to the homely woman's left hand. "I told you not to hit the ducks," he said.
"Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity.
The other two men were very cautious not to hit any ducks, but a couple of weeks later, one of them accidentally did. The quacks were as deafening as before and within minutes St. Peter walked up with an even uglier woman than before. St. Peter determined which one had hit the duck by the fear in his face, and cuffed the man's right hand to the homely woman's left hand.
"I told you not to hit the ducks", he said. "Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity."
The third man was extremely careful. Some days he wouldn't even move for fear of even nudging a duck. After three months of this he still hadn't hit a duck. St. Peter walked up to the man at the end of the three months and had with him a knock-out gorgeous woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. St. Peter smiled to the man and then, without a word, handcuffed him to the beautiful woman and walked off.
The man, knowing that he would be handcuffed to this woman for eternity, let out a sigh and said "What have I done to deserve this?"
The woman responded "I don't know about you, but I hit a duck."
2006-09-12 02:44:32 · answer #7 · answered by leather_hat777 1 · 3⤊ 0⤋
An elderly couple went to the doctor for their annual check up.The old man went in first,and after he was finished,the doctor sent him back out to the waiting room and called in the old woman.
The doctor said:"BeforeI examine you,I'd like to talk about your husband for a moment.I'm a bit concerned about him.I asked him how he was feeling and he said that he had never felt better.He said that when he got up this morning,he went to the bathroom,opened the door and God turned on the light for him.And when he was done,he shut the door and God turned out the light for him."
"Oh,no,"sighed the wife."He's been peeing in the fridge again."
2006-09-12 02:58:04 · answer #8 · answered by the gunners 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
why dont men like condoms? because it cuts off the circulation to their brain. Man on the beach sun bathing when a woman comes up and starts smaking his bum, the man turns round and says "what are you doing"? the woman replies cheekily "playing the bongoes" the man then says" well if i roll over wiil you play the flute"!
2006-09-12 02:48:17 · answer #9 · answered by Kelly D 4 · 3⤊ 0⤋
guy walks into bar with his giraffe and orders 2 pints for him and giraffe. after 4 each the giraffe falls over unconscious.
the guy goes to leave and when hes at the door the barman shouts hoi you cant leave that lying there.guy shouts back its not a lion its a giraffe
2006-09-12 02:49:21 · answer #10 · answered by steveo 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋