should i stay with him or go? about a year ago, i found some emails which involved a woman at my husbands work

Question

he denied his involvement saying it was friendship, then he lied and said he was going to work, but went to see a play that she was in. when i confronted him about it he said it was none of my business. then he told me that he hasnt loved me for a long time and just stayed with me because of the kids. a few weeks later he told me that he loved me but not the way a man should love his wife, but that he wanted us to work it out. later i found out that she told him that she didn't want anything to do with him. I figured that is why he wanted to work it out with me. i do love him, we have been together since i was 15 yrs. old , i an now 50. im so confused. Also, i sent this other woman an email telling her what he was up to. like doing compatibility charts, and trying to find out as much as he could on the internet. that really made him mad. he told me that i ruined his life because now he had to quit that job and go somewhere else. and he was told not to bother her again what wrong withme

Answer 1

Why deal with the stress. Let him go , I am sure you have plenty of memories with him and happy times. This is the time in your life where you have to decide whether to stay unhappy or happy. I know it is difficult to leave him bc you have been with him since you were of a younger age but I mean wow some of the things he has done and said are hurtful. I know I can not compare myself to you or your life but I understand what it is like to care for someone so much and then have them one day leave and tell you that they do not love you anymore and say cruel and hurtful things. I am sure you are going to recall times and feel down but you have your kids to relive those times. Those memories of the love you guys once had. But in the end it is up to you to chose.

Answer 2

Wow. I'm sorry to hear this is going on in your life. At no point does anybody deserve this.

A couple things.
You love him and that's obvious. Like so many women you have chosen that staying together is the best choice for everyone involved. You could've ended this long ago based on the trust factor alone. You deserve a hug for what you've dealt with.

I'm not sure science will back me up on this but I'll say it anyway. I work with people on this level everyday and notice a pattern with men in their late 40's and early to mid 50's. A few things happen to them. They start realizing exactly how old they are getting, resulting in their appeal factor to women and to people in general. Some men tend to even try to see if they "still got it". This is wrong but it's a quest many are on. They may never physically do anything but they want to see if they can appeal still.
The other thing I notice is their emotions start flaring like crazy. They get very sensitive and it's almost like their bodies change. I noticed this when my father would watch the news and tear up every night. Then as I became older and a professional, I've noticed this in so many men. Does any of this sound familiar?

The temperment of men change. I believe that but I also believe that there is always a way. You have to find it if it is worth fighting for....it sounds as if it is.
I do not endorse divorce. I think it's very ugly and not what commitment means. This is hurting you and killing you on the inside. It's not what you bargained for but is it worth fighting for? Have you exhausted every option? Counseling, Religous leader, talked with his closest friends, etc.

I hope things work for you.

Answer 3

Wow what a predicament, is he saying he wants to make it work with you purely because it didnt work out with the other woman.
i cant tell you whether to leave or not as this is really a decision you need to live with yourself.
I suggest you decide how forgiving you can be and whether you still love him enough to stay. if you choose to stay on then you really need to be able to trust him once again...which through personal experience its the hardest thing to do.....if you are stronger than me then maybe you can do it.
however if it all seems a little too hard and you dont think you can trust him in future then i suggest you leave him and start things new for yourself......you have a lot of living left and you should spend your twilight years with someone you not only love but can return that same love to you.......good luck

Answer 4

Nothing is wrong with you, first! Second, YOU CAN'T MAKE SOMEONE to DO SOMETHING that they DID NOT WANT TO DO, PERIOD!!!!! If he wants to work it out, that is great! But, lay it on the line. I know it will be the hardest thing, but get those questions answered, you know him the best and what he does when he lies and the way he talks (you know what I mean, now).

Remind him you didn't MAKE him do anything he did not want to do and that you did (Kids, Cleaning, paying bills, deals, shoppping, etc.) Speak your mind, as get the truth, now, as if you don't do it know, you are going to have a lot of What If's! That is what eats you apart!

Then ask him about going to a counseling center, if he says yes, means he wants to work on your marriage, if no, he has something he is hiding.........don't you agree? Have you asked the lady who she is, as you can pretend you are him? Hey, you can get a lot figured out, as that is what a friend of mine did, an her husband was a liar (Maried 3 years) and they had a child, but he left her and moved six states down. She is currently "almost" engaged to a man she has known most of her life, and he is now broken up with the woman, and lives with his parents. No child support he pays and he need to grow up, as he has a total of five kids, and doesn't pay for one of them, as he thinks he shouldn't have to as they make more money them n . But, he is going to school, as his parents help him, as he is in his mid fourties!

Talk to her, under his name, and ask him again, about her, and let him know you are the only one for him, and he doesn't like it, he can move in with her, as believe me, they are not all they say to be. He has to still love you, just going through a mid life crisis, so to say! BUt, NO EXCUSE, HERE!!!! IT is either YES or NO, and NOW! Keep us updated on it all, as you are important as is your life!

Hang in there! ((((((((((((BIG HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))

Answer 5

There is nothing wrong with you. You're his wife and its your business to know what's going on in his life. It is very difficult but you just have to let him go. Ask yourself if you just wanna be treated that way for the rest of your life? You also deserve better.

Answer 6

i think that it is easy for me to say leave him but 35 years is along time. this man doesn't respect you or love you so i think that you should leave and start a new life for yourself. he sounds really mean because he is the one having the affair and saying you ruined his life. this to me says that he doesn't consider you to be part of his life and he just wants to work things out until the next woman comes along because he doesn't want to be alone. ultimately it is your decision and it is a big one but this man is destroying your identity and your soul and taking away your life. i would leave. good luck in your decision and life.

Answer 7

there's nothing wrong with you...what you did is just a right thing to do...though you still love your husband but i think it's better that you settle this matter with him squarely...it isn't right after all to stay in one roof if you are the only one who make things to work out the marriage...good luck and pray a lot...

Answer 8

You should go, you are obviously not happy and he is blatantly cheating on you. You know in your heart the only reason he wanted to work it out is because she wanted nothing to do with him, or it was just a fling...regardless, drop him like a bad habit

Answer 9

I think you did the right thing. Are you happy?? If you are not happy then it is best to get out of the marriage. Why should you be treated so poorly? You deserve better.
My suggestion - get some counseling...
good luck.

Answer 10

if he's lying and telling you he doesn't love you like he should and now you have ruined HIS life, I say go. I've been married 34 years but if my husband was doing this , he'd go or I'd go. Life is too short to be miserable.