Should I forgive my spouse of 17 years after his almost year long 'emotional' (he claims) affair?

Question

I confronted him almost a month ago with cell phone records (24/7/365 contact for atleast the last 3 months, in and out of the country, on 'family' days - big on text messaging). Every fact I brought up (flower bill, phone record, dive trips, sporting events, ..), he initially denied, and then said he lied because he knew I would react this way. He also implied I deserved to be lied to! Our marriage has been tense the past year (= affair time?). He said they hadn't been 'intimate' on the one hand, but on the other hand, when I cut him off, he said he's a man and that's all he thinks about. He said he was sorry and he didn't leave me and that it wouldn't have worked out, so I should forgive him. He didn't want to blame me or put me on the defensive, but there was always a 'but'. We have children who are my main responsibility as he travels alot. He said it's over and she's out of his life, but I can no longer check his phone bill, his flower bill, or his 'expenses'.

P.S. I only cut him off 2 weeks after I confronted him!!!

And, he does not want to see a counsellor.

Answer 1

I recently found out my husband was cheating (He told me) and not because he wanted to leave me but because he felt guilty and thought it was the right thing to do. Somedays I agree others I wish he would have ended it and never told me. We have been together 12 years and also have kids.

I would say your first step should be a maariage counsler, I didn't think it would help at first but it has. Ask yourself these questions Do you still love him? Can you forgive him? For your relationship to have a chance both answers should be yes.

Trust is going to be a big issue. He has broken the trust he had and earning it back will take a lot of time. Everytime he is late or doesn't answer the phone the thought of who is he with is going to run through your mind. I wish I could help you with how to trust again but I haven't figured this on out yet. Why can you no longer check his phone bill, flower bill or expenses?

If you can forgive him this means letting go of what he did not throwing it in his face everytime you argue. I don't expect you to ever forget because I know that that is something I will never be able to do it will always be in the back of my mind. Hopefully as time goes on it will keep moving further back.

If you love him it is at least worth trying to save your marriage. You have already invested 17 years of your life what is another 6mo- 1yr in the end it will either work out or at least you can say you tried.

As for the kids I have tried my best to keep this from them. But children are smart and honestly I am not sure what they know only that they haven't said anything to us. That is a decision only you can make.

I hope that I have been able to help you at least in someway. I realize that being in a situation isn't easy just know that you are not alone. IF you need to talk I am only a keyboard away.

Remember this can't be fixed overnight it is going to take some time.

Answer 2

I'm sorry I may be wrong but from what my therapist told us, it's easier to forgive an affair that was random and had no meaning as opposed to a "long term affair" that involved feelings. So pretty much it's up to what you feel you want to do. I really don't think he will be ending anything especially if he was involved with this girl emotionally. You've been doing everything alone with your kids anyway, so what would be the difference? At least you wouldn't have to be walked on. Who knows if he keeps going he may just like having YOU on the side and she will be the main one. Take control of your life. Be healthy, want the best for yourself and nothing less. You're kids deserve a mother who will be there for them and not wrapped up with thinking about what "daddy is doing". You won't be able to be happy. Get the help you need for yourself and let him figure out his own midlife crisis alone or with his new girl, he'll quickly find out that she is not YOU. good luck to you, stay strong.

Answer 3

I don't know about everyone but to me an affair is an affair (it doesn't matter if it was emotional or physical). You betrayed your husband and the trust is GONE! If you still want to work on the marriage you need to start a new "history" or "track record". As Dr. Phil would say, you need to be an open book. He needs to be able to know what's going on with you and you need to give him no reason to doubt you. The other thing is that you need to REALLY GET what you have done. You need to understand that it was a betrayal and validate his feelings on the subject. It will take time (and he may never get over it). I've gone through this (in a way) and I DID forgive my husband. It was hard and trusting did not come easy... but I eventually started trusting him... but he's back to acting the same way so I'm concerned that something is going on again. That is not good. I don't think it is fair to stay with someone if you will never let them make up for it BUT IF THEY DO, it is really low if you do it again. (I don't think you will) It depends on if you want to hang in there or not (and if he does). Okay... that was my answer BEFORE I read your last paragraph about his drug addiction and stealing. That really takes this to another level. I was speaking from personal experience on the affair issue but I don't know what to do when someone is involved in illegal stuff. Are you sure you want to hang in there? Good luck to you. We all can give you advice (with our limited knowledge) but YOU have to live it and make the decisions.

Answer 4

I would be very cautious about forgiving him under the current circumstances.

The implication of that you deserved to be lied to sounds like he was trying to keep both relationships alive at the same time and justifying it on some level. Protective lying still hurts just as bad when the truth is revealed or discovered when it comes to cheating. In some cases, lying can make the situation feel even worse when the truth is discovered.

It sounds like he is still hiding something if he made it impossible to check into his expenses. This could make it harder to forgive fast because it will always create some self doubt about his truthfulness and faithfulness to you as long as he does it.

Forgiveness can be earned once trust has been reestablished, but it takes time and effort on his part. I recommend either marital counseling or individual counseling if he objects to the counseling. However, without the counseling, it will be more difficult and longer to forgive a cheating spouse.

Answer 5

Most marriages that have whethered this storm have actually thrived and become even more enriching after the affair has past, but do not B.S. yourself or him, if you don't want to stay in the relationship. I would make a concerted attempt to work to hold the marriage together. Go to marriage counseling. Too many people, when they get to this point, are trying to find a way out of marriage and the first screw up that happens(doesn't matter who screwed up), they are out, instead of sucking it up, being a real woman(or man) and working to save their relationship. I will say this, if he is withholding all of the documents you used to unmask him in the first place, it may not be over.

Answer 6

Time for some professional counseling. Obviously, there are a number of trust issues at play here. I don't really believe that he didn't sleep with her, nor do I think he was doing you a big favor by not leaving you. He does not get to set the terms of your forgiveness. You don't have to forgive him to agree to take him back.

Answer 7

I am sadden to hear of this... it seems that today's society does not honor marriage as it once did it seems to be a more "Me" society than a "WE,US"I am no expert... and this is one-sided i understand your pain,loss and fear/// i would first suggest that u look at that... give yourself time to work through these emotions yourself... all the advice and guidance can not replace the pain that you feel (its personnel to each individuality)... do not think about him right now (he did not think of you ((sorry to be blunt)

take all the time that you need... then later you can better see the situation... there are many many levels in a relationship especially one that has endured 17yrs... Yall(you two) have come together over many an issue look at that.

look at the age he is (it matters, men go through a "change " also) this by no means is an excuse.

if you have Religious associations look into that side... and mainly if he is open and truly realize the hurt that he did cause and what actions will he (u) take to mend this... your relationship can be mended... fact is it could come thru this stronger (given the simple human equation).

u r n r thoughts

Answer 8

I believe a marriage or relationship is based on Honesty and Trust ,and if you can't trust him it's out of the question .If he does it once he will do it again .I know your thinking I been with him for 17years and I want to make it work but put the pros and cons together.And if he doesn't trust you to look in his phone after 17 years you gave to him drop him .I would

Answer 9

Infidelity in my opinion is not a forgivable sin, I think that once the trust is broken it is very hard to get back. For him to tell you, you have no right to look at things he has lied about in the past, tells me that he may still have contact with her. I think you should at the very least talk to him about seeing a marriage counsel to try and fix things between you. If he does not agree I'm afraid that you might have to seek out a lawyer.

I hope things work out for the best.

Answer 10

If you can stay with him until the kids are grown that is what I would try to do! I would also buy the book "The proper care and feeding of husbands", I am not blaming you at all, quite the contrary. However; if you do everything you can to bring your marriage closer it will help you decide as to rather it is over or not. In my heart I would want to know that I did everything I could do.
I think it was disgusting on him but I also think sometimes we can rise above the situation and we are really willing to look inside ourselves and find the love that can heal us. I wish you the very best and I hope that what ever happens you will give yourself time, patients and love.
Good luck!