Before we were married I knew he smoked every few months. I didn't want him smoking while we were married so for the half of our marriage he smoked while I was gone or while I was asleep. He doesn't consider this dishonest and when I started crying he said I was being ridiculous, and thinks I'm being illogical. He says I knew he smoked, and I still married him. After I found out he's started smoking sometimes twice a week, and he's starting to act more and more like a stoner. He rents stupid movies and laughs obnoxiously, and he plays video games all the time. If I get upset he gets pissed because I'm 'trying to control him'. He resents that we decided he couldn't stay out drinking until 6am and so now this is what he has to do to relax. He isn't interested in talking about it. He now wants to get a bong. Is this going to go away on it's own? I don't know if I want children with him anymore, I don't know if I want this relationship anymore. We have other problems as well.
2006-09-11 15:59:12 · 51 answers · asked by cathrine c 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Yeah I've tried it, and it's all fine and good but I haven't smoked for years and it doesn't bother me that I don't. I have no desire to smoke pot because I'm not really into drugs, and I don't like smoking because my dad can't stop smoking and i've had relatives, like my grandpa, who have died of lung cancer. I don't need weed to make me happy, and he thinks he needs drugs to make him happy.
2006-09-11 16:26:27 · update #1
Be very careful of what type of advice you receive on this site.
There are some good answers in here, but they are mixed with some bad advice too.
I have had some experience as counselor to alcoholics.
The most I had to do was listen.
It sounds to me that your husband needs some type of intervention. Family Friends,etc;
When people are in an addictive relationship, the person who does not use, needs as much help as the user.
If there is a crisis center where you live, you should get there fast.
I am not going to tell you to leave your husband.
I do not know either of you. The guy you married is in there somewhere.
Al-anon is one outfit you might want to talk to, they help a lot of people.
One thing I strongly suggest though is not to make any hasty decisions that will effect the rest of your life.
One thing I do know, You need help.
Make sure that all of the moves you make are positive ones.
Always remember this, I am not telling you what to do.
Do not let anyone do that to you.
Look at the best ideas, and carefully choose the ones that suit you.
2006-09-11 16:16:55 · answer #1 · answered by theodore r 3 · 1⤊ 4⤋
Believe me when I say this "YOU CANNOT CHANGE A MAN" I am not saying that to make you feel stupid or anything I just know this by experience. He is a pot smoker and most likely he needs to seek treatment. He has to do this on his own. You can tell him to quit until you get blue in the face and he will still continue to use. You either need to give him tough love and tell him if you do not stop I am leaving and really do so, or you can put up with it which I suggest you don't. I lived with a pot smoker for 6 years and I would tell him to quit because we had a son together and he didn't. He ended up leaving me for another woman and I was upset at first but then as time went by I thought man that was a blessing. He is still smoking pot to this very day and that was 10 years ago. If you do decide to leave you might want to make sure he is seeking treatment and has for awhile before you ever think of taking him back.
2006-09-11 16:10:53 · answer #2 · answered by luvlisteningtomusic 6 · 1⤊ 2⤋
Are you allergic or bothered by the smoke? I am. Ask him to go out back to smoke and open all the windows everytime he lights up.
As far as the video games and the computer, he is probably bored and doesn't have any hobbies. Suggest taking a computer class together. There are many interesting computer subjects in the junior colleges, you never know when you'll need it. It is very challenging, and keeps your mind active. I studied several programming languages, and now I am studying finance and the stock market, and am making money at it. Yahoo has a great finance site.
2006-09-11 16:11:53 · answer #3 · answered by sandra b 1 · 1⤊ 1⤋
I have a best friend with this exact same issue, so maybe I could let a little light into where it led her. She married a guy, that she knew smoked occasionally, went off to the army, while he partied, finished the army, and went to college meanwhile he wouldn't work, and by wouldn't i mean, there were some blow out arguments over it, and he felt he didn't need to work, because she was making a decent amount of money. She later got pregnant, he continued being lazy, he had odd jobs, but never anything solid. She had 2 more kids with him, a total of three, and he stil wouldn't work, yet he took the kids to day care every single day, he claimed he has anxiety, and thats why he needed to smoke, and she ended up cheating on him, with someone at work, and they are now living next door to me, miserable, he still smokes, she and her kids come over to my house to avoid the smell, she's miserable and she wants out.
Granted, this scenario has absolutely nothing to do with your personal experience. But if you've brought it to his attention and he doesn't feel that your opinion on it really matters, then maybe you shouldn't be with him in the first place. He'll probably get to the point where nothing is interesting to him unless he's stoned. I hope you find some info to think about !
2006-09-11 16:05:49 · answer #4 · answered by Shelly M 2 · 2⤊ 2⤋
No you don't want to have children with him. Children do not deserve to have a dad who gets high. Nor do you deserve to have a husband who gets high. I would tell him to make a choice, either you or the weed. There is NO WAY I would tolerate a husband who got high. It's not going to go away, it's only going to get worse, unless you give him a choice. He may pick the bong and weed over you, so be prepared. Don't tolerate it. My sister's husband of over 25 years wouldn't give it up either. Their children grew up knowing that he smoked weed. When they tried it themselves, he hit the roof!! Do as I say, not as I do. He set an example for them by doing this, now they have no respect for him as a father. Good luck to you.
2006-09-11 18:40:24 · answer #5 · answered by older&wiserforit 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
good lord girl you knew he smoked , and you know a man will never change no matter what he says, so your the fool here, does he go out drinking and cheating on you or is he home with you watching movies?? remember all men love stupid comedy's,, if it bothers you that bad leave him, but keep in mind that if you have children with him and have been with him a while and you end up reporting him for using like some one said, that you could in fact loose custody of your children, for allowing them to live in a harmful atmosphere, and you also could face charges too, think before you act, you obviously didn't before you got married,,, you made your bed now either lie in it or go find one that better fits your needs,, by the way I'm a smoker and a man
2006-09-11 16:09:06 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 1⤋
AWE girl... Im in kinda the same situation. I have been with my man since 1999 and it seems like he just won't grow up. He's slowed down a bit because of the police cracking down on drinking and driving but I still feel neglected because I told him he can't do it in the house so he stays outside for hours at a time and by the time he comes in I'm sleep. He has his up days and those day always seem to change my mind about leaving...but you have an advantage you have no kids with him and I have 2 so it's harder. I feel he can change but I have decided that the only way that would catch his attention is to move to a new city so that he can have a chance of senery and away from his "boys". Good luck. I know I probly didn't answer your question but I feel what you are going through. Good luck girl...follow your heart.
2006-09-11 16:04:39 · answer #7 · answered by .:MS. LADI:. 2 · 1⤊ 3⤋
A wise woman once told her boyfriend, "I'm never as alone as I am when I'm with you and you're stoned."
It seems as if he's still a little boy, not a man, and he wants to 'have his cake and eat it, too' as the old saying goes. I smoked pot heavily for 30 years and gave it up cold turkey when I met the woman who is now my fiancée. Why? Because I wanted a serious relationship with her more than I wanted to be stoned - period. If I can do it, so can he. Give him a choice: pot or you. He can still watch stupid movies and play video games if he wants to, but your relationship shouldn't have to take a back seat to his pot habit. If he can't give it up then you're better off without him.
2006-09-11 16:06:54 · answer #8 · answered by My Evil Twin 7 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Since you did know he smoked & drank before you married him, it is unlikely he will quit. The more you nag & get upset, the more he is going to do it just to prove that he won't be controlled by you. The question is not what can you do about your stoner husband, the question is how can you be true to yourself, your values & how can you share your values with children you may have with this man, when he is not going to be a good example to them. You should seek counseling to discover what you really want to do to have the life you deserve.
2006-09-11 16:13:37 · answer #9 · answered by Elliem 3 · 2⤊ 1⤋
If you haven't had any kids yet, don't. This guy sounds like a bit of a loser unless he's willing to act like an adult and get serious about life.
If he won't straighten up buy him the "bong" (I have no idea what that is) as a parting gift and go find yourself a mature man who will respect you.
2006-09-11 16:06:18 · answer #10 · answered by AK 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋