What Do you think of my poem?

Question

I sit alone in this black night,
There's nothing i can hear.
And after all that I've been through,
There's nothing that I fear.

I know this night could be my last,
I'm suffering from my deeds.
When life is moving I'm locked up,
When life is still I'm free.

I'll never live to see the day,
When this world comes to peace,
For hope of peace on earth is killed,
When hatred is released.

Day by day this world's abused,
I know this from the cries,
And yet I could be still right here,
And I would never die.

Answer 1

Very Nice! Keep It Up Dude!

As I lay me down to sleep,
Into my head thoughts of terrorism creep.
So I give up and lie awake,
Imagining all of the lives that they take.

I close my eyes but sleep does not come,
My heart has been broken,I feel empty and numb.
I fear for the safety of my family and friends,
And I will do so until terrorism ends.

I wish we could all just live in peace,
I know that my dream is not out of reach.
It can't be that hard to love your fellow man,
And try to be a part of some divine plan.

The result of hate is suffering and pain,
We must allow our love to lift us to a higher plain.
For it's love that will conquer,love that will win,
Love can heal this great nation,and make us strong again.

It sounds like the work of a lifetime, you say,
But you must know, "Rome wasn't built in a day".
You can start by praying for the souls of 9-11,
Our brothers and sisters are waiting in heaven.

But you won't get to heaven with a heart full of hate,
Just free your mind,and start with a clean slate.
To honor the lives of the fallen, you see,
We must change the world,and all must be free.

Answer 2

It's a good poem. If I may, I'll just suggest a few changes:

"I'll never live to see the day,
When this world comes to peace,
For hope of peace on earth is killed,
When hatred is released."

You don't need that many commas in this stanza. The first could be omitted; the second swiched with a semi collon; the third removed as well.

"Day by day this world's abused,
I know this from the cries,
And yet I could be still right here,
And I would never die."

End the period after "cries". Did you mean still as in peaceful? It's not too clear. And I did'nt really understand this stanza, sorry. It's a bit confusing to me.

Answer 3

Compress it and remove the rhyme, but try to retain the power of your statements, something like this (but do it in your own words)


Fearless in the quiet of night,
death closing in,
but my pain now
released to silence.

Hopeless peace
alive in abuse
I know from the cries
and yet,
I would never die.



p.s. You also need to think about some good titles for your work

Answer 4

other than a few stumbles in the flow, it is a nice poem. Maybe some more imagery could spice it up too.

Answer 5

I feel a sense of deep sadness. I hope that you are able to really talk to someone special and share what is in your heart.

Answer 6

Never liked poetry (except some Poe and Ogden Nash). But Joyce Kilmer said it best in 'Trees', "Poems are made by fools like me."

Answer 7

Very good content. I think the rhyming scheme is a bit sing-songy though.

Answer 8

Good grief
It's the Vogon Constructor Fleet captain.

(and if you don't know what that means - you should be ashamed. Ashamed, do you hear?)

Answer 9

Sad and nice

Answer 10

omg! that is a really awsome poem! you could not have really wrote that... if you did i definately want some more of those, well not the same one but... you know what i mean.