I have a friend who's boyfriend treats her like dirt. He makes her feels so bad about herself and let's her think that it's all her fault when they fight about something.
She understands all this and knows that he's done it before (in previous relationships) but thinks that she can change him for the better.
I've told her that she should take a good look at how things are and exactly what he is doing. My advice was that if this isn't the first time he's done this to her and that if this is how all his FAILED relationships ended ... then maybe she shouldn't be with him.
She's only setting herself up for the worst of it all by dragging it out longer then necessary ...
My question is this:
"Does anyone have any other advice?"
I'll be glad to get anything. Even advice on why she SHOULD stay with him (even though I think she shouldn't :).
Thanks!
2006-09-11 09:02:35 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Friends
http://www.houseofruthinc.org/index.cfm/fuseaction/Violence.Things
2006-09-11 09:05:47 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I've heard this from women before "I can change him".
The truth? No one has the power to change anybody else but themselves.
I have also observed that women who are in a relationship to change the man, end up investing so much time with him, that the longer the relationship goes on, the less likely she is to let go, even when things are getting progressively worse.
When you speak to her, avoid telling her what she "should" or "shouldn't" do. People tend to not listen to that kind of advice, as much as when you speak in the "I". What I mean is: Not, "I think you SHOULD do this, or that", But instead, "I remember someting like that happened to me once, & I handled it this way"
or "If that happened to me, Here's what I would do...."
Talk to her from your own personal experiences.
Eventually, we all hope that she will see that she is not in a relationship that is healthy for her, or her BF, & will either change it, or end it.
Best of Luck!
2006-09-11 16:29:17 · answer #2 · answered by No More 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Unfortunately, there is not alot you can do. I just lost a friend for telling her the same stuff. Until she loves herself and/or wants to love herself, she will not change. These kind of people are needy, codependent and have low self esteem and she is getting "attention" from the "man" and it is filling her right now. More than likely this happened to her in her childhood and this "relationship" is normal to her.
2006-09-11 16:08:41 · answer #3 · answered by SLSWMN_98 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your friend cannot change him. She should not even think along that line. All she can do is try and show him where he is going wrong and hope he will modify his behaviour.
Your friend seems to have a low self-esteem herself, if not she would not tolerate his behaviour. She needs to build her self-esteem. Think of her worth or else she will always be attracted to the same type of men who puts her down. If she has pity for this man instead of love, this pity will draw her down. She needs to take time out and focus on her self-worth and her future.
2006-09-11 16:12:35 · answer #4 · answered by enigma 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i think that apparently she likes the way she is being treated because if she didn't she would've got the hell out of dodge sometimes i'm sorry to say in a abusive relationship they take the abusers side b4 friends and family i think that she is the type of person who has 2 see for herself and then find the strength to leave i hop she saves herself and doesn't find out 2 late good luck 2 u and ur friend
2006-09-11 16:07:10 · answer #5 · answered by ndemby05 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you are her close friend and she still doesn't take your advice it's becuase she is in denial and doesn't want to believe it won't change, she has alot of faith which is good but, she will have to learn the hard way. If she doesn't take your advice then she is going to find out for herself. Just be there to pick up the pieces, that is what friends are for.
2006-09-11 16:05:57 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ahhh, the young and foolish! I do not like to bring this out, but maybe you can use this a little to help her.
A. She must understand you are only trying to help her
B. Try taking her to a womans shelter, if possible and let th reality of the abuse sink in-Have her take a good look at those women who are marked from wounds, cuts, bruises, cigarette burns in the wrong places, broken jaws, broken arms, busted larnyx, broken bones, scars on the faces etc, Give her a good look at what happened to those particular women! That is just a sampling, other atrocious things have happened we won''t go into.
C. Have her talk to a councellor and women who have been down that road. It ain't pretty, believe me, use to work with many women in those particular experiances.
D. Why are women so negligent toward the abuse? Let her get a good reality "Awakening " from those women.
E. See if you can seek out Psychologist, Police Bureau, Hospitol s, Doctors, Women groups against abuse, or any place near you that would let you have pictures or films on abused women, its sickening!
F. Try talking to a Cop or Detective near you and express your concerns with them-especially female officers,they get right to the heart of things.
G. Ask her to attend a group similiar to the one we have hear called: "The committee for Abused Women"
F. Try to have her friends or parents talk to her, if she don't want to listen to you.
These few tips can help you, in the long run. If you don't use any of these, then I don't know what to tell you! Think of it this way: You want her to get killed eventually? Beat up and in a coma the rest of her life? If she is stubborn and does not want to listen, then ask one of her friends or a cop, doctor, nurse, or psychologist to talk to her. To many women are to gullible and always go back like fools-if she wants to be a glutton for punishment, then my friend, you can only step back and let it happen. I have just covered the surface of your answer. Their are many other ways to help her. Try those few suggestions above and I hope they will help and prevent another from being killed, beaten, and scarred for the rest of their lives...Hope I have helped you.
2006-09-11 16:34:01 · answer #7 · answered by tombowling49 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like you've done and said all you can. Just keep telling her that she deserves and can do better. Remind her that it's not always her fault and that she's a good person who will find someone else who loves her and treats her right. Tell her that being single is better than being emotionally abused.
You're a good friend.
2006-09-11 16:05:33 · answer #8 · answered by listen_missy 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I wish I would have had a friend who would have warned me about my ex, It would have saved me and my children from allot of heartache. In a relationship people do not change, you cannot change a man. Tell her to put herself first always, and if he cannot understand her doing that then he doesn't love her and she should run!
2006-09-11 16:08:30 · answer #9 · answered by Marcie E 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hmm...I would say point out healthy, loving relationships and ask her what she thinks of them. Or ask her if she likes the way YOU treat her, and ask her if she doesnt think she deserves even more from a man she is dating!
Ask her if she thinks she could stand being married to this man, raising children with him, etc. if not, tell her she needs to get out now.
2006-09-11 16:08:53 · answer #10 · answered by kari 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I can't think of a reason for anyone to put up with abuse especially since there is no marriage to considered here.. This isn't THE man she should get out while she can... Jim
2006-09-11 16:05:37 · answer #11 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋