My b-friend and I have been together for a long time and now I have been pressuring him to marry me but to do that he wants me to be a step mom to the daughter he cheated on me and had behind my back. When we got back together I was pregnant by him and we have been together for the past 10 years. Our daughter is almost 4 years old now. When we got back together I told him that I would not be able to be a step mom to his other daughter and if that is what he expected we should just be parents to our daughter. But now he says that for us to be together I have to completely accept her- I told him that was something I wasn't wiling to do. So I broke up with him because I know he's wasting my time He keeps calling me and we keep sleeping together but I know he won't marry me. We also had unprotected sex lately. I want to be a family but I don't know how to or don't want to be a stepmom to a child that was bought here from an outside affair. What do I do?
2006-09-11 08:44:50 · 22 answers · asked by Sunshine 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
Before you tell me to grow up- Think about it. Would you be so accepting. Thats a hard jagged pill to slow. What if your father did it to your mom would you accept her. If your husband or boyfriend did it to you would have the same opinion. Give your opinion don't judge!
2006-09-11 08:50:16 · update #1
Here's the other issue- He doesn't know if the child is his. He sees the child once maybe a year. The woman causes a lot of trouble by calling the both of us and she refuses to give a paternity test. All of our issues are what if's. What if she comes back in my life. What if she is mine. Those are our issues.
2006-09-11 08:54:45 · update #2
Look I know that what you are going through is not easy and no one can really understand unless they have walked a mile in your shoes but baby the real on that is if you honestly can't be there for that baby under any circumstances then you need to be just a baby momma to him. But I feel like this I know you are hurting and what he did was doggish but you can't fault that child for her father's mistakes. That baby is innocent and did not ask to be here. Look on the bright side at least he is owning up to his responisbility. To find out if the child is really his have him go and get a test done he can request it by court order saying he want to pay child support and she would have no choice but to get it done. But if you aren't willing to be there for his other child then maybe you need to move on and find the one that will be there for you but remember you need to find a man that can accept another man's child. Don't get upset if this new man can't accept yours like you couldn't your daughter's father supposed seed good luck sweetheart and pray your answer will come to you.
2006-09-11 17:13:26 · answer #1 · answered by ladeelesbian 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Maybe I should not be the one to offer advice because I'm in a similar situation. However, in my case the female had a part in the reason why there was an affair. Her accepting the other child would mean her also accepting she played a role in pushing me away, which is shy she won't accept the other child. Now if he just up and cheated because he wanted to, that's sort of a different story. It comes down to you having to ask yourself a few questions. Are you in Love with him and will it benefit or be more of a detriment for you'll to stay together for your daughter. I know it hurts to be on that side. I believe we should forgive but not forget. If he is serious about being with you and your child what, are you willing to let that go to test your luck out on the market. How many guys you know that would be a real father to your daughter? These are all things that you must weigh, before making a final decision!!
2006-09-11 15:53:24 · answer #2 · answered by M D 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
first of all it is not that childs fault and the child should not be held accountable for what the parent did i understand that it will be hard but lets just thjink if the shoe was on the other foot how would u want ur child treated and second of all i think that this person is not for a committed relationship i think that u should stop sleeping with this person if it is truly over or get some cdounseling if u want to continue this relationship whatever the outcome u must remeber that there are 2 innocent children involved and whatever u 2 do effects these children if u don't want 2 be this child step parent then leave the father alone and find someone that has the same values as u do but if u want the man u have to accept what he brings good luck
2006-09-11 15:50:49 · answer #3 · answered by ndemby05 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Not an easy situation. Stay true to yourself and only bend and give in to things you know in your heart you can overcome.
Have you truly forgiven your boyfriend for being unfaithful all those years ago? Its sure not his daughters fault and she should pay the price for any feelings of un-comfort for you.
I don't blame you for not wanting this sort of lifestyle and if you can't deal with it then stepping back is definitely the right thing to do. Trusting someone who has cheated isn't easy and if its something you simply can't do then for all the the children's sake the relationship should be ended before anger sets in and the adults no longer get along.
You need to decide what you can and can't live with ... and once you are positive of that it should make the rest a bit easier.
Good luck.
2006-09-11 16:37:25 · answer #4 · answered by J 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Unbelievable. If you want to set up your own little world where everything invited into it is based on your little fantasy, what do you need him or anyone else for? The child exists! Your cheating louse also exists. And he's not worth marrying if you can't even accept the truth that comes along with him. My theory: You only want him because he comes with baggage that you can beat him over the head with for the rest of your lives. It helps to have an inferior scapegoat, when you can't deal with your own deficiencies. Please deal with the truth and don't bring a child into hatred. You can't marry her father without bringing her into your mess.
Oh . . . and if he doesn't know if the child is his, that is because he has not even cared or been responsbile enough to file a paternity action and compel DNA tests. I'd say, the two of you are a good match for each other. I just wish people would leave children out of these things. It fries me.
2006-09-11 16:00:28 · answer #5 · answered by georgia b 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I understand totally. But dont take it out on that child. If you know you cant accept that baby then the 2 of you should not be together. That baby will only be a reminder that the ni**a cheated. Next stop giving it up. I know that is easier said than done. You already answered your own ?uestion, just be the best parents you can be to your baby. And really honestly you should be glad that he is owning up to his responsibility as a man to this other baby. Good Luck doll
2006-09-11 15:55:28 · answer #6 · answered by ree ree 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
How can you feel that way you are a stepmom weither you like it or not as long as you are with him and how can you think of a child as a product of a affair it isn't the childs fault how she was brought here and how can you tell him you'll marry him but refuse his kid. I have lived this before when I was a child with my stepbitch for a mom and it isn't fair YOU have no clue how it feels to be that kid!!!! either accept the kid or pack your bags and move on!
2006-09-11 15:49:45 · answer #7 · answered by Sandra 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
This is where you decide what you want to do. Personally I would would get him out of your life and not have anything to do with him. It will only hurt you more to be around him and have relations with him when you are still really hurt about what he did in the past. You are a woman and I believe you can raise your child on your own and make a living for yourself. In this world their are men and boys and it looks like he is still a boy in a mans appearance. Guys like that are a dime a dozen. Hope this helps :)
2006-09-11 15:52:10 · answer #8 · answered by joeman_hulke 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow. First of all, he cheated. That in itself is a good reason not to get back with him. If eh did it once, he will do it again and maybe he will continue to collect children by women he isnt married to. If you do not want to be the stepmother to his daughter by another woman, then dont be. Give up on being with this guy and find a man who respects you, instead of one who creates drama in your life.
2006-09-11 15:48:20 · answer #9 · answered by kari 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I know it must be hard, but you can't blame the child. It is good that he is being a good parent to both his children. If you can forgive him fo the affair(but don't forget) then maybe you guys can be a family. You both obviously can't move on if your still sleeping together. Good luck
2006-09-11 15:49:55 · answer #10 · answered by ann.natalie 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋