How do I ever trust again? I don’t feel it’s possible anymore?

Question

I have been married for over 25 years. For the first 23 years, it was a good life. Not perfect, but acceptable and loving. Oh sure, we each had our flaws and good points. Then she cheated on me. I was devastated, to say the least. We have been hanging on for the last 3 years, but are going to separate soon. I am heartbroken, sad, confused, and lonely. I don’t feel the capacity anymore for love or trust with her, or anyone else. I just don’t think I could give of myself to that vulnerable state ever again. Has anyone else ever been through this? I am feeling so down.

Answer 1

I see that you have a ton of people who have told you your sad stories, and mine would be no different...devistated, confused, heartbroken --- all there. But yes, you will love again. Things like this have happened to women as well, so let me tell you how to try to organize your brain.

Never be sorry is is over. Be glad that it happened, and take joy that you had some wonderful times together. Everything ends badly -- people fall out of love, die, or just become different, or your marriage just wears out -- teeth wear out, cars, our bodies, and yes, marriages do wear out....Even just 200 years ago, no one
ever got to be married for 25 years.

But we are pre-programmed to want to be with a mate, a partner. We are meant to love, and touch and share, and have romantic thoughts. And you will want to again too. Loving, and being loved are emotions just toooooo strong to pack away and forget. And the modern way to meet is now on the internet. I met my husband 20 years ago with a personal ad, before internet dating even evolved. We were a wonderful match, and our marriage was a delight. When it was over, and after I gathered up my emotions and found square one,I put up a profile on Yahoo Personals, and this is how you go about that.

First if you need to loose some weight, start. If you don't have a killer smile, see the best cosmetic dentist in your area. Buy a few really great pieces of clothing. Yup, spends some buckos on you. A new haircut. Have some great photos taken, and review some of those men's profiles. Your English should be top notch. There are lovely women out there who wish to meet you -- women you would find no other way. Plug in the items that are important to you in a relationship -- are you looking for marriage? Is religion/politics or other thing important to you? You will certainly meet some nuts, just like in church, sitting right beside you. But you will also meet some very classy women, who have also been hurt, but find life is just better partnered. She won't be there immediately, but she is there.

You'll be fine. We all get devistated. But you WILL find square one again, and when you do, try Yahoo Personals, Match.com --- even e-harmony. Good luck, sweetie.

Answer 2

I don't believe once a cheater, always a cheater. No, sorry. Have you and your wife been to therapy? Do you want to stay married? Does she? These are things you two need to sit, without anger, and openly discuss before you start mapping out the rest of your lives. Its very difficult to trust once that trust has been breached. But it can be done. If you go on without your wife, please don't judge other women by her behaviour. We aren't all the same, you know? I seriously feel that if you are an honest loving person, and you put out that good vibe, it will come back at you, in a good way. Be aware and don't allow yourself to be suckered. But at the same time, being suspicious all the time is bad for your health. There is a healthy balance when dealing with others. I have a trust issue and I read the book In Sheeps Clothing. Very good, but quite negative. I choose to look at the positive in others. Even if you are around 50, listen, life isn't over! You have a long way to go even if you are 70!! You will heal from this. Be brave.

Answer 3

Suffice to say I understand, my story is too long and not germane to answering your question.

That being said, whatever happens to you and your marriage, realize that

1) every relationship has an element of risk,
2) all people are flawed and imperfect, and
3) love is best defined as the volitional, deliberate commitment to place another's best interests before your own.

Therefore:

1) there will always be an element of trust in every human relationship. You trust that someone will show up at 5pm if they tell you they are going to. Trust implies an element of risk. And you calculate the risk into the equation subconsciously everytime you extend a measure of trust, of taking them at their word - in big things and little things.

2) because people are flawed, eventually every person is going to let you down - one way or another. This is the nature of human relationships, and you can't get around it. Those who have not cheated on their partners have done so in their thoughts and desires, many times over.

3) But none of this permanently stops your heart from being able to trust and love someone again.

It will take time, and trust, once betrayed, is not easily or quickly extended to another. But trust me, the time will come when it will feel more natural to trust, and more natural to want to think of someone else's best ahead of your own.

There's no formula on how long this takes - because it's different for each person. But the time will come. Until then, heal and deal with the troubles of the day. Stop trying to anticipate the future and visualize what the next 5 years holds.

Just deal with today, and if you're feeling balanced and adventerous, the rest of the week.

Best to you.
1)

Answer 4

Your not alone, I had been through a similar situation with my first marriage. My wife had cheated and moved my best friend in. The worst part is that she wanted to remain married with out me there. I was miss led, and we to held on. Trust in any circumstance, relationship or just in general has to be earned. Once that trust is violated you will always have a hard time accepting to trust someone who burned your bridges. If however, you truly want to salvage the relationship then you will have to start all over again and part of executing that would be some alone time. To decide if the two of you are willing to make an effort to start to build that trust again..

Answer 5

Well if you have been married 25 years I would guess you are around 50 or older. So I would say that maybe it is time to let go. You can move on if you like, but once a cheater, always a cheater. So do what you think is best, but I want not hang on to her. If he cheated on you, she really does not care or love you all that much. I would say after 25 years of marriage, I would be bored, so why not move on and find something new. Your heart will heal in time.

Answer 6

Hey i feel ur pain........i now how u r feeling, but just remember that u both had some good times and these are u bad times. sorry, but for the sake of ur children, grands, if any and lastly urself u deserve a happier life with or without ur wife of 25 yrs. Isnt their anything to salvage? Cant u guys get some counselling? I hate to see that much love and committment go down the drain. Pls can u not do this to her, im sure she's sick with guilt and pain too. Pls work things out.

goodluck!

Answer 7

Yes, but I wasn't married for 23 years either. It is very difficult to trust again, you put up this wall so you will NEVER EVER be hurt or made such a fool of again. It happened to me in two prior relationships and my poor husband pays the price for it now, heaven knows he is a patient man. The next relationship you get into will be difficult. No matter how much you want to believe in that person, in the back of your mind you have that "What if" approach and your guard is always up. I would get some counseling, I wish I would have!

Answer 8

I know the feeling and i am young i was married for 7 years and thought it was for a life time,but i was so wrong,i will tell you this it better to be alone than not to be happy i have been living alone for 4 years now and not that i can't have anyone it that i don't think i ever want to feel that hurt feeling ever again in my life. just be yourself and don't ever let no one make you think you can't find someone else special she out there some where everything in life happens for a reason.........Good Luck

Answer 9

I sure have been there.. in my first marriage.. and. after a while i figure that people will do what they want to and no sense in trying to stop them...
I still do not trust anyone's word for anything after 14 years of divorcing my first husband.. married again and just didn't care what he did or where he went.. now I am divorced again for the last two years..
I have always been a one man women and being a "good women" hasn't gotten me any where in life.... Just used and lied to..

Answer 10

Not quite to the extream that you are in, but yes i have. Its not easy, no matter what anyone may say "moving on and getting over it" is a BS exuse. It just takes time. This would be a good time in your life to make use of the guys. I dont know the whole situation, but hang in there, eventually things will get better. Time heals all. Just pray and have faith in the lord, thats all you need. God speed.