What do you think of my Poem?

Question

Please feel free to critique. Be honest. Tell me what you feel or interpret. What u liked or didn't like? Is it good enough to get published?

ESOTERIC TRUTH OF LOVE

Come what may, twister or storm,
Trees have to dare
Just like you they too can't run,
But they're still there

No matter how fast you chase it,
Love is so spry
People spend there entire lives to find it,
But it disappears in a blink of an eye

It is saddening that you have no friends
But even if you had many,
The search for someone special actually never ends.
It's mournful that you've got no one, no shoulder to cry on,
But even if you had someone,
There's no one better than yourself to rely on

You tried to get love from others,
And miles away you sorely flew
Love is not present elsewhere,
It's a feeling within you

You have too much to live for
And suffreing is perennial

Like you, I too looked for love once,
But I freed myself from this endless pursuit
'It's within me' realize this truth,
And see you'll conquer the world.


Composed by Rishikaysh

© 2006 Rishikaysh.


ps: please also check out my other poems by clickling on my name.

Answer 1

I fully agree with the previous comment as far as it concerns the poem.
I just want to say that when you are writing don't think if it will be published or not. Very few poets became famous or rich before death. It's not a job.
Just do it for your soul.

Answer 2

I think you need to be more conscise, and there are a few clichéd lines or words you need to avoid. I've taken the liberty of rewriting your first 2 stophes as I might have written them, please don't take offense.

"Twisters and hail may come by
but any tree would stand still
as do you in affection so spry
that could vanish in my quill."

This was a shite 5 minute effort, I know, but what I'd like to advise you is to say more with less words, to write more condensely as a result, and also quite importantly: to find a rhythm for your poem. It needs a heartbeat, a flow, and reading yours I find this lacking. Lastly, I don't think this is a good website to publish poetry, and the copyright symbol, as you may know, holds no bearing over this, as it's protected by your creative ownership. Considering the quality of what you wrote, and again I don't mean to insult you, I also find the copyright symbol a rather presumptuous little thing.

Answer 3

Nice work. Keep it going. You have talent.

Answer 4

good its as if you know me.....