we are having something small and informal in the spring. His ex left him and the kids, and never looked back, now I'm the new woman in the house and I want them to know that I will love and take care of them as if they were my own. I have no children of my own. They are 14, 15 and 7 - 2 boys one little girl - all very hurt by their Mother. The 2 boys are the older and have lots of anger toward their mother and have only bad things to say about her. She has no contact with them. Help?
2006-09-11 07:45:02 · 30 answers · asked by Scared 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I had a friend who did this, and she had them all come up as part of the ceremony and read them her "vows" to them to be a good mom and to build a good family and to respect them as people. Add that your duties as their "mom" or whatever word you chose do not end when they are eighteen. Let them know informally before, and formally at the ceremony how committed you are to this union. You are, in fact, marrying the lot of them, and to formalize that in a ceremony is something they will take to heart. Don't mention the mother in the ceremony, chose your words carefully, maybe even have the older ones help, suggest and edit with you. They are teenage boys, and getting them to this point won't be easy, but stick with it, it will be SO worthwhile in the long run. Put the little girl in a smaller version of your dress, using the same fabric. Have the photographer take individual shots of each of them with you alone, with you and your new husband, and of the entire family. Let the guests see all this as well as the kids, so the children know that you are proud in front of all your guests for them to belong to you.
Are you planning on formally adopting them, also? Getting that underway would be lovely.
There was not a dry eye in the room....I am tearing up even writing this, as I remember how moving this was.
Their mother was in their lives, but it did not dissuade them from this ceremony. They had three more children together, before the husband died in an accident, and the stepmother is still VERY close with the older kids, and the older and younger children are very close with one another.
2006-09-11 07:53:42 · answer #1 · answered by finaldx 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Yes, the children should be included in the marriage ceremony. Let the boys figure out the roles that they want in the wedding. His daughter could be a flower girl. A nice and sentimental addition to the ceremony that the kids will probably like is a pledge to be there for them in your own words by both you and your fiance. Unfortunately, there is not much that can be done about the ex wife not wanting to be a mother to the kids. However, counseling might be an idea for the boys to handle the situation better.
2006-09-11 14:49:51 · answer #2 · answered by dawncs 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
The kids need counseling.
They've been abandoned. The anger is only the tip of the iceberg. They probably think she left them because of something they didi, whether they say that or not.
If the kids want to be in the ceremony, they should be included.
Then, go to a prty supply store, where they sell wedding invitations, and other wedding supplies. They have little booklets for ceremonies to include the children.
2006-09-11 15:04:28 · answer #3 · answered by niffer's mom 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I would totally include them if they want to be included! It's a great thing you are doing by taking on another woman's kids. My best friend did the same thing except he has 5 kids and she does have 2 of her own. All the kids were involved and they have been married for over 2 years now. It has worked out beautifully for them and I wish the same for you! Congratulations and good luck!
2006-09-11 14:50:29 · answer #4 · answered by stall_out 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Have the boys stand up next to their dad and the little girl stand by you. No "bridesmaids" or "groomsmen". Let the kids stand by your sides. You can't show them you love them and will take care of them with the ceremony, it is something you will have to show them over time. Have patience with them and above all, do not badmouth their birth mother in front of them. Just be there to listen if they need someone to talk to, but don't force them to talk either. They will eventually come around. I wish you much luck. You sound like you have a good heart!~
2006-09-11 15:20:25 · answer #5 · answered by Designchc 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I attended a 2nd wedding where there were children involved but they were involved on both sides in this particular case. But the parents made a vow to the other ones kids just like they did to there partner. Promising to take care of them and be there for them and stuff like that. They also with the unity candle (not sure if you will do one of these or not) instead of just having two candles one for the bride and one for the groom they had one for the kids to and when the lit the unity candle they all lit it together. It was really sweet and made them apart of it!
2006-09-11 14:49:07 · answer #6 · answered by Help??? 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You sound like a wonderful woman. I think it would be good to include the children in the ceremony. You may have to build trust in the kids for them to fully accept you, which takes time. Good luck.
2006-09-11 14:50:57 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Talk it over with your fiance and together, if you agree, talk it over with the kids. Give them an opportunity to make a choice. They may still be angry about the previous situation and either accept or reject being in the wedding. If rejection happens, don't take it personally. They probably have many, many issues to sort out. Remember that too, when you become their stepmother. This may require much love and patience on your part.
2006-09-11 14:54:07 · answer #8 · answered by watergirl54 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Reassure your children that you love them but dont say anything of there mother. Tell them everythings going to be allright. Have fun with them and learn about them. You really dont want them to know there mom. Im having a hard time being a step mom with the ex coming back and taking the teenager and controlling her with mind control. I cant even get close to my step daughter without her feeling embarresed or hatred towards me. So take it from me you dont really want her coming back.
2006-09-11 14:50:37 · answer #9 · answered by girl176a1 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
God bless ya..I think the boys and girl should get rings,or crosses..something that makes them part of the marriage. When you marry dad you are marrying them and they should know that and be part of it. My new hubby and I gave my son a gold cross on a chain, so that he also had something to wear to remind him of the day that we became a family. Make sure you include them in the process and the planning. You sound lucky and so do those kids! Good luck!
2006-09-11 14:49:21 · answer #10 · answered by silver 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋