What do you think of my poem?

Question

I want to wake up knowing,
The world is full of trust,
And the gift of love that Jesus gave,
Has not been killed by lust.

I want to wake up knowing,
After a child is born,
That it will die with happieness,
And two parents to mourn.

I want to wake up knowing,
When the new day turns to dusk,
That features on the man's outside,
Will not matter to us.

Six billion people in this world,
Each with them to defend,
I only want to wake up when,
This world comes to an end.

Answer 1

Honestly, it needs work. You don't write poems often, do you?

Answer 2

It is very good; a good poet can accept criticism as well as praise; and I think you really have a talent. But I do have a question: Do you just write it and leave it how it is, or do you sit back and find ways you could improve it? That really works too.

Answer 3

I've read a few of the poems you've posted and it's evident that you are willing to dedicate some time and effort developing your style as a poet. I can also see that you have taken some of the suggestions you received in this forum. If you are serious about being a poet, and it seems like you are, then you are going to need some feedback from a trained poet or someone who has managed to get his work published in a reputable literary journal. You will find that a lot of good poets will take the time to help you if you are willing to follow their guidance. Find the toughest critic you can tolerate and try not to get upset if he says something you don't like, but make sure he is skilled and shows signs of being a good teacher. Always thank him and read his work so you can get a better idea of what he is trying to tell you.

It would also be very helpful to get involved in a regular creative writing workshop in your area. They are often free and can help you develop your writing skills and obtain some of the resources you will need. You will need to read a lot of contemporary poetry and having other poets around is a great way to share materials like subscriptions and poetry books.

First of all, you need to know that poets do not make much money from their writing. If you are thinking about making a living at it, then you need to give that idea up right now. Even the very best poets these days make very little to nothing from poetry and need a regular job on the side just to get by. You should write because you want to write, because you have to write, and because you have something to say. Normally the only thing you get from the publisher is the honor of appearing in his magazine. You might get a few contributers copies or a subscription, but if they give you any money at all it will not come close to paying you for the time you spend.

Next, if you read any contemporary poetry (published in the past 30 years or so) you will soon see that it doesn't rhyme. We use internal rhyme where words reflect their sounds off each other and support the meter, but there is no "sing-song" rhyme at the end of each line. Editors won't even read something with this trust/lust mourn/born defend/end thing you got going on. It's really hard to break out of this habit of thinking it has to rhyme, but it's not going to get you published in the New Yorker or The Georgia Review. Take one of your poems, one in which you sincerely feel like you are saying something that no one has thought about before, and try re-writing it without the rhyme. You will soon see how hard this is. When you are done with this go back and cut out everything that is not absolutely necessary to get you message across. This is called compression and it's a form of mercy to the reader because people want to read poetry with tons of white space all around it. They don't want to work for it. Tighten it up and try to get a punch out of every word. Build some suspense to keep them reading until the end and hit them in the last line with something so powerful they will want to go back to the start and read it again. Make them curious and inform them, but above all make them think.

Also, consider carefully what audience you want to reach. A lot of Christians would like this poem, even without the word Jesus in it, but half your audience is going to run if they think you are preaching to them. I like the words of Christ, but they need to be presented in such a way that people will welcome it into their minds. When a person reads your poem, you are walking in the territory of his soul. This is sacred ground and you need to honor it if you want to stay there for the duration of the poem. Fire him up all you want, but don't chase him away.

Ask yourself what you are saying and write it down in the fewest words. Then look at it and ponder it and see what rises in your mind from this. The first stanza in this poem is your strongest. What you are saying is "Desire Destroys Trust" That's a powerful statement you made, and it was almost lost in four lines of words, but when it's condensed like this it grabs the reader and makes him think, and it makes him want to read more.

In the rest of the poem you are saying to the reader that you want the world to be happy, to not feel prejudice or be self-centered, and that you want to be there in the end. These ideas don't have as much impact as the one in the first stanza because people get splashed with them every day, but "Desire Destroys Trust" is a little newer and can find it's way into the mind in a lot of interesting ways. A lot of people haven't even taken the time to think about this concept. I'm sure you would agree with my opinion that they should. Flash those three words and ask them what they think and you will get a lot of interesting answers, some of which will make you think even more powerfully than you already do.

Poets have a function in society that very few people understand. They help us to get at the core of things that haven't yet been put into words. Your work shows that you are willing and able to think more deeply than most people do, so take advantage of this gift and it will continue to express itself in your poetry.

Answer 4

it's good.. .but you shouldn't be posting your work online, there are a lot of stupid people out there that will copy your stuff and say it's theres..

<3 alyssa

Answer 5

Beautiful, moving and very idealistic!! Keep writing, you are very talented!

Answer 6

from one poet to another - NICE keep up the good work

Answer 7

Very nice.

Answer 8

... Nice, I like your poem ...

Congratulation, and ... I hope that you can wake up knowing ...

byes

Answer 9

Nice poem. . ..'Mr. Curious' is mean, I think he should use his real screen name: Bi-Curious. . .(lol) just kidding

Answer 10

Great!!