How do I deal with being labeled as a Nasty Mother in law.?

Question

I am the so called nasty mother-in-law. I first met my future daugther in law. We took them all on a exotic vacation. I was very excited my son (24) had met someone, he had been hurt in a previous relationship. I am trying to be unbias in this response. They were told to pay airfare and their own spending money and we would take care of everything else. It was our 25th anniversary. (With our other son and his girlfriend they saved to pay airfare and spending money they are high school kids)
At the last minute, we had to pay their airfare or risk losing the cost of the vacation, then they came with only 50.00, charged every thing to our cabin even a present for us. That was not a good start. It got worse, we tried to help them get started loaning them money, and when they came to the house they took food. Which is ok we dont want them to starve. Then when I was on business travel they came again and took other things. My son took her student loans in her name cause she could not get them in her name, so she went to college and he worked. She could not get a part time job due to the fact she was carring a 12 hour credit load. My husband and I went through college working fulltime and going to school fulltime so we were a little put out at this. I think the last straw was when I found out I didnt have cancer but they had to remove an ovary (I am 45) and she stated "why dont you just have it all cut out". From one woman to another that was mean. I am a bit of a pain in the *** to my son, I want him to finish college he has less than a year and she made it clear he was not going to finish she was in control. Last straw was she invited my husband to wedding and not me. How am I suppose to be nice to this woman. They take our money borrow and loan but i am not good enough to go to the wedding. My heart is broken but I will stay away I wish my son a happy life but I dont want to be part of this soap opera anymore. I am trying to get over this we were a close family before and it is hurting all of us. Aunts, uncles, grandparents. I would appreciate any help on this. My husband and I are lost, we felt we provided a loving and caring environment, we coached, room parents, worked extra jobs to send him to private schools and summer adventures. Did I expect too much having him finish college. He was at Cornell at 17 and and is quite brilliant. Now he is working a construction job and is almost bankrupt, we had to stop helping them with money. Maybe we did too much. So with out other son we do not want to even meet his girlfriends anymore. What happend to our dreams for our son to reach his potential??? He is at fault here he left without saying good bye and moved to another part of the country. So i am the horrible nasty mother in law. I suspect the anger I feel will keep me from a distance.

Answer 1

Don't stop having a relationship with your son, he is son and always will be and the trick is to be nice to him and supportive so that he doesn't turn to her for support and turn against you.

Your son is now a grown man and has made the choices he has made on his own, you can't blame her, although she seems coniving, your son must learn that he must be incontrol of his life and people like her will always be there to try to gear you off track.

Yes, you did do too much for them, but how would you have known it would have backfired. When boys turn 18 they are men and they should not be given money or food or other things unless they are studying their butts off and trully trying hard to become a man.

The only thing you can do is build your relationship with your son so that he trusts you and and does not think of you as nasty, no matter what the girlfriend may say. You can hint things subtly or bring things to his attention, but never forcefully.

In the end, people have to experience things on their own, no matter how hard you try to warn them you will only stress yourself out and ruin the relationship. You've done your part as a parent by raising him up to the age of 18 and you can just hope you taught him enough to survive in this world.

Good luck and stress about it.

Answer 2

Eventually your son will grow up, if he like being told what to do then he will be happy.You don't get to choose what he does with his life, just try to be polite to her when she calls and close your purse to them. If they moved away, you won't have to deal with the problems as much,sometimes a little distance lets you see things differently. Good luck and IF you believe than say a prayer for them.

Answer 3

i am 30 and hate to say this as i am a mom of 2 small kids, but i do believe he got to spoiled by you. He was given everything growing up. Even as a kid we as moms and dads we must teach our kids to work and earn things wether it is money to buy things or to earn things they want. I am sorry that he is not man enough to be able to telol the itch that you are important and loved by him. He is an ungrateful brat and all you can do is pray to god that he will realize what he has done before it is to late.

Answer 4

as u said they r teenagers, exactly how do u expect them to act or feel?? if they're not working where was they suppose to get their airfare from?.. why r u loaning them money? also why r u comparing what u and ur husband did to what they could do?? they r not u and u r not them.. i say let them live their lives and u live urs..

i know u want what's best for ur son but u can't be burdening urself w/this unecessary madness...

Answer 5

Maybe it is time to let go a little. Quit helping them, and let them deal with their own problems. Then maybe they will appreciate you a little more. It may take some time though, be patient

Answer 6

stop being silly, silly!!