Married 12 yrs. Two daughters - both over 14 yrs old. Have had problems throughout my marriage with my husband and other women. I'm at my wits end.I always forgive him becoz I do still love him but I'm really fed up with all this nonsense. He is a great provider and a gentle caring father. Every time I catch him out & confront him, its apologies and tears and loads of promises! And I always forgive. I need to know what to say and how to react so that I dont fall back into this trap again.How do I go about getting a legal seperation?
2006-09-11 01:00:42 · 12 answers · asked by shorts 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Sigh. That really stinks, doesn't it? You've continued to want to make things work, in hopes he would change, while (whether due to purposeful disregard or simply an unwillingness to commit) he continues to take advantage of your loyalty.
Everyone does some good things, but can also do some bad things. You've described your husband as a perpetual cheater. He's simply not committed to you as his wife, although apparently he upholds some of the other responsibilities of being part of your family. It would be much easier if he were completely negligent; but his responsibilty and kindness in some areas has made it difficult to deal with the other areas.
Ironically, since he wants to provide financial and is committed to that but is not willing to remain faithful sexually/relationally to you, a legal separation actually seems to be something appropriate -- he is still "allowed" to provide money but sexual/emotional connection is no longer demanded from him.
I think you do need to break the cycle somehow -- if not just for yourself, then for your daughters. You are the example to them of how a wife interacts with her husband; and what they are learning is that, if their husband cheats on them constantly, they simply have to accept it and let him. That's not what you want for them; I figure you would want to them to avoid as much as possible the heartbreak you've been experiencing.
There are practical issues to consider in a legal separation. Who leaves the house? Who stays? Where do they go? Where does income come from? Someone suggested stocking up some money, if you can, and that's a good idea just because any resources you have can help.
Talk to your friends, even members of your family whom you trust, about your options and what their level of support (financially, emotionally) will be if you pursue a legal separation.
If you feel particularly kind, and if you feel your husband might respond, you can give him a last chance, an ultimatum -- any more cheating and it's over. But his track record is not good, and tipping your hand gives him time to prepare for a potential break-up down the road. Still, you know him best; and it is your marriage and life, so you need to do what you think is appropriate for everyone.
Legal separation depends on state. I found a link to downloadable forms that you can preview, at the site below. At least that can give you an idea of what to expect, or what your state might require.
I'm sorry this situation has gone where it has. While sometimes you might feel like blaming yourself for not taking steps sooner, it's not really productive to think that way.
Just be aware that you had good intentions and had hoped your husband would respect your marriage (you wanted to trust him); that in the end he hasn't been trustworthy; and that you need to do whatever is best for you, your daughters, and even ultimately for him. We all learn as we go.
2006-09-11 02:36:20 · answer #1 · answered by Jennywocky 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You say that you love him. Well, I think you need to start loving yourself. How would you feel if it were one of your daughters or a best friend who was going through this? What would you tell them? You said that every time you confront him that he apologizes and promises not to do it again; can you honestly say that you believe him? Have you tried counseling yet?
As for what to say to him, your actions have been speaking for you. You've stayed this long and have allowed him to continue his pattern. Not all states recognize legal separations so, you'll just have to call a lawyer and find out what your rights are. Good luck to you honey. I wish you and your girls the best.
2006-09-11 08:10:58 · answer #2 · answered by vitamin D 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Speak to an attorney about the legal aspects.
This type of man never changes. They need extra marital affairs like an addict needs drugs. Only you can decide if you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who is incapable of having a monogamous relationship.
I've been there. It's no fun. I finally broke free and now how a relationship with a wonderful man who loves only me. It makes a big difference in all aspects of your life. Good luck.
2006-09-11 08:08:09 · answer #3 · answered by bookfreak2day 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
In order to get a legal seperation you must not be residing at the same address as your spouse. Start putting yourself in a position to do that. Start socking away money and assets. Get everything together that you need to support yourself and your kids. Even a good provider can provide you with STD's.
2006-09-11 08:04:17 · answer #4 · answered by GrnApl 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Put him in a separate bed room and you go out and find yourself a boy friend and let him have his girl friends. Don't bring the lovers to the house though. Ask him if he thinks this a good idea. You can have your family and sex too. Don't take love so serious. It comes and goes like most everything else.
2006-09-11 08:14:11 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Legal separation depepends where you live
Generally, its either an agreement filed with he court; or a court proceeding, similar to a divorce. Given the age of the children, the ocurt will have to approve child support
2006-09-11 08:06:24 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
don't get divorced but leave him for some time,may be a month or two(leave the house if u can),make him realize that he has insulted u so much,don't accept any apology this time....when he'll find himself lonely and abndoned,i think he will realize how much mean he was to u,and will change himself...
good luck
2006-09-11 08:27:33 · answer #7 · answered by Oma 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If he has cheated once he will do it again. Contact your local courthouse and get a legal seperation. You can get everything you need from them and do this yourself. But remember it wont stop here. I know!!
2006-09-11 08:07:08 · answer #8 · answered by sasha 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
have an affair revesre the tables on him, one of you has to leave to be legally seperated and the lawyers love taking your ca$h!
2006-09-11 08:40:32 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I've found the word sorry as an excuse to do it again, kick his sorry A$$ to the curb.
2006-09-11 08:11:13 · answer #10 · answered by EL Big Ed 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋