I'm attempting to salvage whats left of my relationship after being cheated on and lied to constanly for a month. He came back after the girl he left me for treated him badly within 3 weeks of their 'relationship', Its proving to be so difficult, i'm doubting that i can trust him again.
Are there people out there who have survived thru an affair and came out stronger? i'd love to hear about key things that helped the trust grow.
Also, are there people out there who cheated on their partner then realised they made a mistake? Is this even possible? My partner tells me he made a mistake but could he just be doing that because things went sour with his mistress?
I'd love to hear some views, opinions and experiences.
Thanks for taking the time to read.
x x
2006-09-10 23:00:54 · 25 answers · asked by prettygreeneyes 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
Yes, it is possible to trust him again, but unfortunately once a cheater always a cheater so he will just do it again and eventually leave you broken-hearted. Move on now and put your trust into someone trustworthy.
2006-09-10 23:02:28 · answer #1 · answered by live2ride 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think it will take a lot of time before you can trust him; don't press either yourself or him about it. You cannot trust him now, and don't, either of you, but especially youself, expect things to be otherwise.
Talk to him calmly, whenever you can bring yourself to it, and ask him exactly (I mean specifically) why he thinks he made a mistake. Make it clear that you need the truth, and ask questions as specific as you can think of ("do you love me" or "her" is not specific enough) until your curiosity is satisfied. If he has determined to win you back, he has to play things your way - and YOU don't need to hurry. I know it's hard (my now-ex had a one-night stand and I know how hard it is; it wasn't the reason we broke up, but he didn't open up enough and it was among the minor exacerbating factors, despite the fact that I did freely forgive him).
Make some distance between you. Make him chase after you. Take baby steps. Start the relationship as far from the beginning as you can (getting re-acquainted again, if possible - the fact that he had an affair is a good sign you don't know each other that well anymore, and that he doesn't really appreciate you as well as he should). Make him want you again, make him want to please _you_ again (without being cruel, just like in an initial courtship). Observe him in that process and if he persists, and depending on his ways, you will start to recover _some_ trust for him again.
As this is his first offense, I say give him a second chance. But if it happens again... I would know it's not likely to be something he will stop doing.
Good luck, I hope he did realize that you are the one for him!
2006-09-10 23:14:58 · answer #2 · answered by AlphaOne_ 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He might cheat again, he might not but it will always be on your mind when he goes out with friends. An affair is never a mistake, knocking a glass over is a mistake but affairs take planning and a lot of thought in order to keep it secret. The only mistake is when you get found out!!! I don't know you but I'd bet money on the fact that you deserve so much better. Personally I'd rather be spending time having fun with family and friends who genuinely care about me than spend time time trying to salvage a relationship with someone who would treat you so badly. Good luck whatever you decide.
2006-09-11 03:14:50 · answer #3 · answered by sarahlee 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's up to him to sort this out. He has to put a lot of effort into renewing the relationship. Spell out your terms to him and then he can take it or leave it. Terms may include;
- Separate bedrooms until you feel ready to accept him as a sexual partner.
- He needs to start the realtionship from the beginning again which means you need to become friends again. At the moment you are not friends.
- To become friends you need to know everything about him. That means that when you ask him a question or when he asks you a question an honest and complete answer should be received or given every single time.
- Go out together on 'dates' let him treat you to prove to you that he actually wants to be with you.
If he is unwilling to follow your terms, he must leave because otherwise you will be trapped in an abusive relationship when you could be having a happy life with someone else.
2006-09-10 23:52:19 · answer #4 · answered by Fluorescent 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
most people will say to you 'no dont trust him again'
but i would say 'think'. take some time out, maybe go away alone somewhere, where you can clear your head, calm your thoughts, rethink things through..
its very easy to get angered, mad and leave the person and then think later in life - could i have forgiven him ? was it a mistake ? we are all humans and we all make mistakes.
you need to think how important this relationship is to you, what will be your life like if you two parted. you need to think, if he really does want to be with you will he ever do this again.
then you need to talk to him, without any shouting / anger or bitterness, just talk to him, tell him how hurt you feel and that you feel completely unable to trust him again - and he needs to do some serious damage repair if he wants this relationship to go on. maybe he will open his heart up and maybe you can get to the root of why did he cheat ? what went wrong ? can it be solved ? does he want to work towards it ?
i know it is going to be soooo hard to trust him again if you decide to make amends, but remember many couples do it and some have gone through with it.
there is some good relationship advise also available on bbc.co.uk/relationships
you can also get counselling, it has helped some couples.
it may sound strange but dont take all the advise from your side of the family if you know what i mean - dont take strong opinions from ANYONE. its your life and you should decide whats best for you.
good luck and i hope you take the right decision...
2006-09-10 23:15:32 · answer #5 · answered by GorGeous_Girl 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
never been in that situation before,unless he is a very good liar.
but i do know that it would be so difficult to get over.
i think it depends on your age and how long you have been together. we know that people do cheat on each other, and most see it as the absolute worst thing to do. find out why he did it, and if you try to stay unbiased, you may get convinced that he had a good reason or at least motivation, which is what you want ,to move on. be realistic about how your relationship was.
how well do you actually know him,and does he seem sincere. speak to him about the fact that even though you may have periods of feeling better about it , that he has damaged trust and that it may be an underlying issue for a long time. is he willing to have counselling with you about it,as you do not want it to ruin your life indefinately.
if you opt for staying, then let him know that he will not be forgiven a second time, and mean it.
2006-09-10 23:14:59 · answer #6 · answered by saywot? 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I've never cheated on anyone I've been with, but I have been tempted. The fact is, I know that if I had gone through with it, then I was admitting that I wasn't dedicated to the person I was dating, so there is no point in even staying together. Unfortunately, once the trust is broken, it is extremely hard to get it back.
I was cheated on by my former fiance, and she decided to tell me before we were married so that there were no lies between us. I wish I had never known, because I only made it a couple of months before I had to break it off. Everytime she was out, I wondered who she was with. It's even carried over to relationships I have now, I have to constantly be careful not to start thinking that one woman is like every other.
Being cheated on is a horrible experience, and staying with the person who did it to you only prolongs the agony. My opinion would be to move on, and hopefully find someone with enough respect for you not to hurt you that badly.
2006-09-10 23:08:17 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
The truth is that if you haven't forgiven him then the realtionship is gonna fail again. Ask him why he cheated talk to him. The thing that bugs me the most is that you said that he came back to you cause it didnt work out. How dare he.
You dont need a person like that. I think you should leave and move on find someone who will appreciate you more and who wont even think about cheating on you. I know he is out there this loser is not the one. Good luck
2006-09-10 23:36:42 · answer #8 · answered by destiny 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Honest advice? Why put yourself through that all over again? Once a cheater, always a cheater. You'll always carry that doubt in the back of your mind. When you're at work, or wherever (apart), you'll be wondering.
You should think more of yourself, dear. You deserve better treatment from someone that won't violate that trust.
Good luck and hope I've helped you even in some small way.
2006-09-10 23:04:31 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Think carefully what you want from the relationship and if you can forgive, because if you cant no matter what he does to prove himself to you you would never trust him again! I gave my ex many chances but never forgave him the first time so resentment sunk in! I cheated on my ex after he had done it many times and was not proud of the fact which I told my current fella right at the beginning of our relationship. My fella cheated on his wife with me and then left her to live with me, however we trust each other completely without reservations, unless you can do that there is no hope for a relationship!
2006-09-10 23:14:46 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
My dear,u r the only 1 who can really answer if it's worthwhile to stick with this man and living the rest of your life pondering over what made him turn to another, and what made him return to u...I have survived several betrayals by my partner, trust me,my situation was way much nasty compared to yours...and it was really not easy to continue loving him, being with him and nursing the hurt and hatred he stirred in u....the whole thing lasted over 2 years but i'm thru it, i'm still with him, for reasons no 1 can explain...some may say i'm pathetic, some may say i'm plain stupid,whatever it is, i lost some, i gain some....
2006-09-11 01:15:02 · answer #11 · answered by Fallen 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋