How come things get so twisted around in arguments with the person that you love?

Question

I just had a bad argument with my supposed to be better half. I feel so drained and sad and cannot sleep and it was over something so small that was bothering me and I did not want to say in the first place. it blew up into a big argument and now I feel horrible. How does this happen, when all that I needed to hear was "sweetie I understand" or something calming along those lines. That was all and it would have been finished. How does this happen?

Answer 1

Lol great question.. most women want to hear that from their men, they want to say how they feel and for their man to just say "everything is going to be ok" and understand ... unfortunatly most men arent as emotional as we are and they automatically get defensive in arguments which only sets us off more.. to a point that it escalates.. and most men.. seem to be able to roll over and fall asleep when they are angry (avoidance) where most women end up stressing out to the point they cant sleep..
I wish i had the answer for a "quick" fix, but i dont.. as me and my husband go through the same things at times.. he shuts down.. and all i wanted to hear was "its ok" .. the only thing thats helped me in this situation at times is the way i word my problems to him.. to not make him feel like going into the defense mode.. but although its helped it doesnt always work..

Answer 2

Men are from Mars - women are from Venus!

Women need to get things out in the open. You may have let your partner know about this small thing, just to get it off your chest, so he'll know next time how you feel about it. But men don't talk about things unless they want to criticise something, or are looking for a solution. So depending on what it was, he thinks you were (a) criticising - and he's a man so he hates to admit he was in the wrong, or (b) looking for a solution, which he couldn't give, so he got all defensive.

Think back over the argument and see if you can spot places where you could have stopped it blowing up. Maybe you could have phrased your first statement better? Did he raise his voice, then you raised yours higher? Could you have taken a deep breath and said, calmly, "Is this important enough to fight about?". Alternatively, you could suggest having a "Time Out" so you can discuss it again in half an hour when you can do so calmly.

I'm not saying you should be the one to back down, but women are generally able to hold their temper better than men, so you have more power to control the situation than he has.

Same goes for right now - I know you don't want to apologise because you weren't in the wrong, but which is more important, pride or your relationship? Wake him up. Don't apologise, instead say,

"When we fight I feel so awful, because I love you so much and I hate to see such a trivial thing come between us. I think we just had a big misunderstanding, can we kiss and make up?"

Answer 3

While it would have been nice to just hear those words, often times, we women speak a different language than that of men. Many times with my husband, I have said some things that were interpreted by him the wrong way, and vice versa, then we would proceed to getting into an argument about it.

In my marriage, I have learned that effective communication really does take practice. I also learned that there are times in the heat of the moment that u have to cease the argument until both have sufficiently cooled off to discuss the issue in a rational way, vice an emotional pt of view. More importantly, we have learned to pick and choose our battles wisely, as u mentioned, sometimes the "little" things are not worth getting into a big argument about because when u look back upon it, u will realize how stupid it really was.

My advice is to learn how to fight fairly. Try to communicate from a rational standpoint rather than an emotional one and remember that sometimes, proper listening is just as effective as talking.

Answer 4

when you're waiting to be sensible, then the following is going: how might want to God spare them the horrors of that you communicate? in view that it is well-known, i need to ask a question: who's doing this horror? Is someone accountable? If the answer is not any, then i might want to favor to understand basically what it is. If the answer is convinced, we'd want to seem further. that's a smooth concern, I understand, and that i'm no fan of people demise. I basically had to sparkling that up. The further seem into the existence of the only accountable exhibits that it replaced into in all probability no longer one action that further horror to an threat free's existence; besides the undeniable fact that the evil act that the guy did replaced right into a end results of many undesirable options. those undesirable options were executed encountering countless people, sturdy and undesirable, with their existence thoughts too. the base line is that this: it replaced into their determination. with the intention to objective this God might want to might want to stress the want of no longer basically the only human being right now accountable, yet many. So he can't change the want, for that can make us all robots. So the answer is then, that He helps it. yet we received't call Him immoral. For to objective this appeals to an absolute moral regulation. And the position there is an absolute moral regulation, there is an absolute moral lawgiver. And that could be God Himself, meaning he's innately sturdy!

Answer 5

It is the way that happens when two people are together. You try to hurt each other more and more. You want to hurt the other person more then you have been hurt. This is the catch 22 of relationships. You two need to have a conversation, and have a phrase you will say before hurtful things are said. You use the word anytime you are about to argue.

Answer 6

When you love someone, there's a lot more at stake, and emotions tend to get bent a lot faster. It sounds to me like you aren't feeling very secure in your relationship, and that can lead to insecurity and even more unhappiness. My advice is to explain that you just needed to hear that he understood where you were coming from, and that you hate fighting. Odds are, that he'll reciprocate - but trust me, if you're looking for a shoulder to cry on go to a girlfriend. Boyfriends offer solutions, not sympathy.

Answer 7

Great question, It's been my experience that when this happens something else is wrong if you can work past it you have a stronger relationship if not it may be time to move on.