Husband has no time for my concerns yet-when his ex wife calls he will drive anywhere or talk long-any advice?

Question

We've been married 3 years. He has time for TV, softball games, talking to ex wife who is mother of 2 boys 10 & 13 & another "ex" girlfriend who is mother of his 20 yr old son-on the phone- Butwhen I call & ask him what's going on the next morning (we were supposed to go to an amusement park) he says "You're stressing me out" His ex moved 1.5 hours south with sons who are 10&13-1 month ago-she called today to "see when he'd be bringing them home" After blaming me for trivial things & never "has the time" to do or talk about Anything with me-yet he'll talk for lengthy periods with these other 2 women-then-he has time to "drive the boys home" (1.5 hours each way) But he acts like I'm the one with the problem when I got totally upset cuz he doesn't even have a minute for me....He acts like "I'm just driving my kids home" Hello-SHE is the one who moved there shouldn't he have said- "Well, if you can'tmeet me /2 way then you'll haveto comeup with another solution? am I stupid or what?

Answer 1

Not stupid, just too much of a people pleaser. Honey, people will only treat you how you allow yourself to be treated. Chances are, this has always been this way and you being the "nice" one, has always accepted it hoping things would get better or doing it so you didn't rock the boat. The kids are still young yet, and unless you want to spend another eight years going through this, you have to stand up for yourself. Either put your foot down and demand better treatment, or move on to bigger and better things. I know that you knew about the other children and were willing to accept some inconveniences, however, I think you bit off more than you could chew. Afterall, this isn't what you signed up for. You thought he'd be your husband and you'd conform with a new family....you probably never guessed he was still married to his ex! Have a heart to heart with him. If he gets defensive, then you know what you need to do. Life is short honey and I wish you well.

Answer 2

Maybe you should give this man a reality check! I know when you have kids together, it's a lifetime of juggling them around and you have to maintain a decent relationship with your ex, but I think he's going overboard because he feels guilty about the kids. If he's in contact with an ex without kids, that's a different story. No reason to be all "friends" and up in their business. If you're "stressing him out" because he doesn't want to spend any time with you, go find someone else to spend time with...then you can tell hubby, "sorry, I've made plans with my new friends..." and don't be home when he gets there a few times. He'll start to wonder where you are and will be getting worried. That's it with this guy....he's holding on to everything. You're letting him know that you're always there for him so he's not giving you, his wife, the first priority in his life. I'd let him stew in his own juices for a while. And if things don't improve, kick him to the curb. Then, he'll be calling all of the time! Godloveya.

Answer 3

No, it is normal to be upset when time management or lack of it is a problem. Communicating between the exes is a common thing even when one or both partners moved onto a new relationship or remarried. Issues do crop up regarding the children from time to time that the other parent needs to be advised about. A good idea is to go into couple's or marriage counseling to better handle these issues and to improve the communication problems in the marriage.

Answer 4

You married a man with too many ex GFs and he has too many kids from previous relationships. You should have expected this. These women have a strong hold over him because of the kids. Either divorce him (if you dont have kids with him yet) or start having a conversation with him. Maybe go to couples counseling. Explain to him that yes his kids are important but he should not have such long conversations with his exs since he is now married to you. His kids come first in life but you come first over his ex gfs! Tell him that if he makes plans with you he needs to respect you and stick to those plans (only exception is if his kids have an emergency like they are in the hospital unexpectedly during or before your plans). Tell him all this. Tell him how you feel. If you cant resolve this then maybe you need to find a man with no kids.

Answer 5

This is a really hard situation. When I got married my husband had an ex-wife and a daughter. It created a lot of difficulty and strife. She knew just how to push his buttons and he felt a lot of guilt, possibly your husband is dealing with a lot of guilt too. I'd try to get involved with the boys, maybe accompanying him on the drive.

Remember why it was that you fell in love with him and married him. It can be very rewarding to stick it out, my husband and I are still together and we had some really rough times to work through!

I did find that when I took a more hands off approach and and let him deal with it he started to be more responsive to my needs.

It is definitely time to negotiate what you really need from him as far as time and attention. You might need a counselors help with talking those issues through. He'll need to understand how important this is to you so that he'll take it seriously. Best of luck as you work this out.

Answer 6

i used to have the same problem with my significant other he used to talk to his ex constantly. He would even be at work and hang up with me either because she was there with him or he was on the other line. I finally got upset enough and told him how much it did bother me that he talked to her. I understand he cant just stop talking to the one with the 10 and 13 yr old but the 20 yr olds mother i mean the child is 20 there doesnt need to be communication. tell him it bothers you if that doesnt work find someone else i would have if he didnt stop

Answer 7

why are you wasting time on that you can't change it. Now you can change your own so what are you waiting for either accept your position in his life which appears to be low or move on leave him.

Answer 8

We need a support group. I can so feel you with the "bend over backwards for my child's sake". Tell hubby without bitching or whining that you don't feel like he has time for you like he does for babies momma.

Answer 9

Sounds like he cheated on you and went back to her, at least once. Now he is confused, and guilt is eating at him.

Answer 10

Divorce him