Successful Marriages/Relationships?

Question

If you've been in a long-term marriage or relationship, what do you think has contributed to the success and happiness of your marriage/relationship? I'm asking because I'm curious as to what makes a marriage work. My parents (mom and stepdad) are married, but their marriage is a joke. They're not at all affectionate with each other and act more like roommates. I just have a fear that I won't have a really successful relationship or marriage because I've never had a good example of one. I have a bf that I live with, but our relationship isn't that great since I'm too stubborn and don't communicate well (I don't like to get emotional... although I'm female). If you've been in a long-term marriage or relationship, I'd like to know how you made it work.

Answer 1

My parents have been married for 50 years. Both sets of grandparents were married for 50 years, exactly, before my grandfathers died (not the same year but the same marriage year). I can tell you that affection can take many different forms. I don't ever remember my parents holding hands or snuggling, except if I walked in their bedroom and my mom's head was resting on my dad's shoulder. Other than that, they didn't kiss a lot or anything. Still, they had 6 kids so something must have been working. My grandparents, too, were not all that affectionate. Many people resist being affectionate or emotionally vulnerable for the very real fear of being hurt. There are ways of being affectionate and successful in marriage without being all lovey-dovey. You have to find what works for you.

For one thing, mutual respect is a MUST! I can't stress this enough. If one of you feels like you're "above" the other, the marriage isn't going to last. If you're not on equal intellectual footing, your marriage won't last. If you don't value the other's opinion, his status and jobs in life, his family, or his friends, it won't last either. If it does, you will be miserable.

The other important issue in a successful marriage is communication. Communication, or lack thereof, can make or break a relationship. If there's no communication, there's no trust because you don't know what the other person is thinking. Being stubborn is one thing; being a jerk and unable to compromise is another. There must be a happy medium to make the marriage work.

By the way, I had a long-term relationship (13 years) that didn't work and one that has (5 years). I learned a lot the first time through and from the mistakes I made with that marriage. I speak from experience. I was NEVER affectionate, always stubborn and always belittling him. On the flip-side, he was abusing me, so it was a Catch-22. I hated him, he hated me, at least in the end. You can make a marriage work if you are dilligent, if you are willing to compromise, if you are communicative, and if you trust each other and value each other. I had to learn that it's OK to be affectionate and open myself up to be emotional. I figure now if I get hurt, I am living life. I can't keep myself in a cocoon for the rest of my life.

Also: Something else I learned: NEVER be afraid to say you are sorry. Apologies can be the balm of life in a sea of hurt.

Answer 2

This has been researched by a psychologist named John Gottman, he is a professor in california and he has created a system where he can analyze a couple talking for 15 minutes and predict with 98 percent accuracy if they will stay together or not. He has been doing this and documenting it for 25 years. His system is extremely complex but has to do with different attributes such as disgust contmept anger defensiveness, stone-walling sadness whining and so on there are about 20 of them but he says the main ones are Defensiveness, stone-walling, criticism, and Contempt;the most important being contempt. Look up the definition of these words and it will help you realize what he is saying John has actually done longitudinal studies to even predict how many times a spouse will get sick, the effects of contempt can be so stressful it breaks down ones immune system. If you want to know more all of this is in the book Blink by Malcolm Gladwell in chapter 2 it is an amazing book but if your not into reading alot maybe you could stop at a barnes and noble and just read the chapter and take a few notes that way you dont have to buy the book too......i hope this helps the book will help you understand better

Answer 3

First, be realistic and who, how and what you are, how you act and so forth. If you arent, you will not realize the things you may cause with others. Next, be every bit as realistic and who, how and what another person is. Take into account the things they believe in, support or condone. Watch and listen to them. Do not believe that you have the right to change another person or that you can do so. I.E. If they love to go to strip clubs, that will probably not change. If they lie easily or about many things, do not think you will make them stop. It is not their fault if you take them as they are. If you cannot do so yet try to anyway, then you are being silly. Do not do what so many do today and cover your eyes and ears to what another is showing you. If what they do bothers you when dating, it will only bother you more when married. Be realistic. Everyone will piss you off at some point, just by being them. You will piss everyone else off just by being you. Be realistic about what matters. Do not think you are royalty or deserving of every special attention or something other that what you earn as well as give. Do not think that you should be able to demand or ask anything you would not be just as willing to do for or give to the mate. Women should not think it owed to them to have hubby carry the bag because it is heavy. Women demanded equal, so carry equal loads and hush. Hubby should not expect wife to put up with him hanging out at the bars. Do all that you can together. If you want to live like you are single, stay single. If girls likes crafts, then he should go with her at times, just to spend time with her. She likewise should be just as happy to attend things he likes, just because he likes them. Do not allow anything or anyone to get between you and mate. Stay away from those who are having relationship problems or they will poison your relationship. Stay away from those who cheat or condone it, lest you start to see them and cheating as less wrong than it is. Talk about everything, before and after marriage. Come to agreements on things, even if it means that both have to give in a bit. The goal should always be to do what is best for the family in the long run, not just what one person likes or wants. Do not discount the need to be affectionate and have sex a lot. Truth be told, sex is one of the top three things that will hurt or help a marriage. Look at what God says a marriage is suppose to be and what role each party plays in the marriage. No, I do not care what the current trends are. If you do it Gods way, you will have far less problems. Those are things to start with. Good luck.

Answer 4

For us (dating since 1993, getting married later this month), communication has been the key. The ability to honestly and openly talk about anything, without getting defensive or angry, goes a long way in helping solve any other problems that come along.

Tied into that is mutual respect - that we can respect each others opinions and thoughts, so we CAN talk about anything without getting defensive or angry.

Also, that while we have many, many interests in common, we also have interests that differ, and we can pursue those interests without the other becoming upset or jealous or mad that they "don't want to" do the same things. I love offroading in my Jeep. My fiance' doesn't care for it. But if I want to go for the day or the weekend on a run with my Jeep Club, he doesn't mind. He practices a type of martial art. I'm not really interested in it. But I don't mind that he goes to practice 2-3 times a week.

And there's the knowledge that if there WERE an issue - if he didn't want me to go for whatever reason, or if I had some reason that I wanted him to miss practice - we could talk about it without fighting, jealousy, or resentment.

Answer 5

My partner and I have been together for 15 yrs we have 2 small children. What has made our relationship work? Well a couple of things firstly we are both totally loyal to one another. We do fight but when we do there's no name calling. I heard one of the biggest contributer to breakups is couples who name call each other during arguments. Its verbal abuse and a person will only put up with it for a short time.Treat each other with care and love and give in on occassion. All relationships have there ups and downs ,some people give up too soon then just repeat their mistakes with the next partner. My suggestion is to work on the reltionship you've got.

Answer 6

You have to talk about everything. You have to admit when you're messed up, vulnerable. You have to endure listening to your mate without judgement and criticism. You have to talk openly and honestly about everything. And I mean everything. When your mate asks you a question, you have to tell the truth, and you have to be able to sort things out together. So you can't be trying to keep the peace or not make waves or be contolling or hostile, you have to be honest, open and up front. About all the things that you wouldn't want the world to know. All the time, every time. It's communication. It makes you closer, because really, you know secrets, whether they're silly or stupid or twisted or deep...and it bonds you time and time again. It's like the relationship just keeps growing and building. Also, you have to really want your marriage to work. I mean it has to be the most impotant relationship in your life, even after you have kids. You have to want it or it won't work. It is very very very difficult to put someone else in a place as high as where you put yourself, but you have to.

Answer 7

What works for me:
1)You have to love each other. That means BOTH must love equally.
2) Be best friends. There's more to love than just saying I love you and giving gifts. I have friends, both male and female, but the person for whom I have the most affinity in the world and to whom I tell everything and to whom I go for advice is my wife.
3) Trust each other absolutely--refer to #2.
4) Never betray your mate's trust--refer to #3.
5) Before you get married decide who is going to be the boss when it comes to big decisions. Traditionally it is the man, but I have heard that it sometimes works when it is the woman. Just beware. My own observations have been that marriages in which women are the actual heads of household there are severe problems; not because women are not good at running things, but because men usually don't like having a woman tell them what to do.

5B) decide who is going to be responsable for which household chores and who will be responsable for getting bills paid. Duties can be changed at a later time.

BESIDES CHOOSING A HEAD OF HOUSEHOLD and divying up chores...

6) Treat each other as EQUALS in all else. It is really the two of you against the rest of the world.

7) Have a great sex life! Learn as much as you can about sex and about each other's responses, likes, dislikes, desires, and fantasies and act it all out. Also, remember you mentioned affection? Sex is more than coitus. It is an all day thing. The way you say hello to your partner when you wake up:touching , kissing, speaking in a loving manner and tone. The way you say good-bye when you leave the house. Being romantic and trying to be sexy for your partner; this goes for both husband and wife. Be affectionate. And never complain about your partner's technique. If you want him/her to do something better say so in a nice way or get an instructional video and watch together. Be understanding if your partner occasionaly doesn't feel like having genital or oral sex or if he/she ddoesn't perform up to standards once in a while. No one is perfect. Use these times for more affectionate touching and conversation. Hug a lot :)

8) Talk to each other.

9) Take walks

10) Give each other space. Sometimes guys need to hang with other guys and ladies need to hang with the ladies. Also it's good to socialize and relax away from your spouse soemtimes. And it's really cool when you see how jealous other people are that your husband or wife doesn't nag you about the time you spend with your friends. Which leads us to...

11) Don't let anyone else tell you how to run your marriage. No one can figure it out except the tow of you.


OK. That was the free introductory course. If you would like to learn the advanced techniques of having a succesful marriage you can pay by VISA/MC, certified check or money order.

Answer 8

Its good that you want a long term relationship. However, most couples start to commit themselves to each other, for the slightest reasons and not when they love each other. No relationship will last without true love for each other. What is true love? The following will indicate love:
1. Your partner always occupies top place in your mind.
2. You respect each others' views and values
3. You consult each other on decisions that affect the other party directly or indirectly
4. You do things to please each other, not only for yourself
5. You trust each other
6. You do not keep any dissatisfaction to yourself but consult your partner
7. You are sincere and honest in your communication with each other.

Answer 9

The things that make a marriage work are mutual respect, love, trust, communication and friendship. If youd like a future with your boyfriend you must consider communicating better and being more giving. It is work...but alot of relationships require work dont they? Best of luck...it can work well, not perfect...but well.

Answer 10

I think the main thing is to realize who you're with and to know how much you want to stay with them. There's lots of compromises in a long term relationship. The thing you have to know about yourself and your partner is which ones are going too far.