Help with my step-children?

Question

Hi i have 4 step-children there ages are 12,9,8,5 and i have one of my own to there dad she is 1 1/2. And all i get every day is b***s**t from the 2 older ones i have found a letter (and no not by looking) that said that if there dad does not shape up he is going to loose his kids and i have to leave them alone and keep my nose out of their stuff and stop telling them what to do i have had these kide for 3 years now and nothing has changed they keep telling there mum that i am every thing under the sun and then after their mum hasent rang them for a month or two they start telling me how much they hate there mum and no i dont join in on it. so please help me what do i do i dont want to leave there father and i dont want my daughter to have to loose her dad. Please help!!!!!!!!!!

Yes we have tried counciling but the refuse to go badly and yes tried to the hole sit down and talk thing no luck no one talks other than me and my husband, and i dont think i should show the letter as i did not go looking for it i only found it but then she will think i snop for it when i didn't she is very head strong.

Yes mu husband is on my side he works from 5 to 5 so he dont see alot of it and when i down and out yes he does ask and yes he does step in but when daddy goes back to work it is the same thing over and over again. And yes mother lives of seas.

Answer 1

My heart goes out to you honey, I've been there. I have four boys and I received my bonus child when she was five and she hated me. However, over the years, I've managed to turn it around and now that she's 20, I'm still mom to her. And here's how I did it.

Get dad involved. Not once in awhile, all the time. When parents divorce, children will go to extremes to obtain the attention from the parent they live with. Then make a box and put it on the counter. Explain to everyone that if they don't think something is fair, they need to write it down, put it in the box and the family will sit down Sunday evening to discuss it and work through it. You have to listen to their side of the story without interrupting. They need to be heard so that they feel as though you truly care enough to accept their feelings. Then everyone compromises a little as you work out a resolution. Little by little the issues get resoved and the box has less complaints. That should end the BS you take on a daily basis. As for their mother, that, I'm afraid is something a little more complicated. Especially since she's not calling them. Look at it from their perspective. Not only do they have a dad that leaves them with you all the time (the one they've deemed the enemy), but now mom's abandoned them too. They are hurting and you are the only one around for them to take it out on. When they start venting, acknowledge their hurt and hear them out. But then, take the high road, and rather than yell at them, make positive suggestions. Guide them into thinking better. Say for example if they are slamming their mom. Tell them, you understand they are mad at her, but instead of saying all these mean things, why not call mom and see if something isn't wrong before you start saying bad things you'll regret. The idea is to get them to think about what they are doing. It doesn't matter how you do it, but if you make them stop for a second and question their own behavior, more often than not, they'll start to think before they speak all on their own.

I also understand you have two of them at the age where they'll say "you can't tell me what to do". And that's fine, they are entitled to their opinion. I heard that many times and I simply countered it with "Do you see anyone else around here who cares as much as I do? Do you see anyone else around here who's putting in as much time and effort into keeping you happy? Honey, I'm not going anywhere and right now, I'm all you've got, so we can do this the hard way, or we can try to make this work so everyone is happy." I know that's extreme, but I only had to use that once and it broke down alot of barriers my daughter had. It was as if reality hit her hard at that moment.

Another way to change it, is to be their friend. If they've done something wrong, let dad handle it. This way, he's the bad guy, and not you.

Answer 2

First of all let me say, that is horrible! I don't know exactly what the situation is, but it seems to me that your husband needs to step in a lot more. I mean, especially with the oldest two, he needs to be the enforcer. This note is passive-aggressive and inapropriate!

You are trying to RAISE them. They are trying to make your job harder, because that's what kids do when they get monitored, called out and punished. You need to take a deep breath and remember that as mean as they are, they are only children. They are probably very angry at their parents and they need to deal with that. If mum isn't consistent, which it sounds like, they probably hate your consistency, but they need it. Tell your children in a firm tone that you are the mommy at this house, and you mean business. Other people's "real" mothers do the same things you do, and you will not tolerate disrespect. And if you get feedback, just tell them that they are no picnic, but you care for them and you want them to grow up right. There is no quick fix to these things, but Dad has got to be on your side. You were chosen by him, and you accepted these children. You are not a person for them to hang their **** on. They have many more years of living with you, and then they can choose whatever they like when they leave. Chances are, it will get better over time. Adolescence is terrible, on both sides of the fence.

Answer 3

Give your husband the letter and mention about the need to talk about the problem. There needs to be some teamwork on the problem between the two of you on working on the problem. Then, it is time for a family meeting with the 12, 9 8, and 5 year old to see how they are doing and dealing with their mum not being in contact. However, I tend to think that the children are having a hard time with their mum being in and out of their lives on a constant basis. Has counseling been tried for the 12 and 9 year olds? Sometimes the cycling of being in and out of a child's life can really bother them when it is a constant problem.

Answer 4

Well you are doing the right thing by not saying anything bad about their real mother. Keep with it. Explain to the oldest children (alone) that your youngest child will love all of you. That baby connects all of you. It is their sister and you are the mother. Explain to them that by them being mean and rude to you they are also hurting your daughter. She will grow up feeling caught in the middle and upset to have her half sisters and brothers saying awful things about you. Always be calm and patient with them. When they treat you bad look at them and say in a stern voice that they are not to treat you that way. You are a family now and they should apprciate it because not everyone has a family or a loving family.
Maybe consider calling "nanny 911" (a tv show) and asking for help.
All you can really do is spend time with each child individually and explain to them that you will give them respect when they respect you.

Answer 5

They treat you like this because they are getting away with it. You and your husband need to get on the same page about disciplining these kids. I'm wondering if your husband respects you properly as well?? Kids tend to treat the step-parent as their own parent treats them. There may be bigger issues here than just the kids. This really sounds like something I've seen on Nanny 911. I'm not sure you're going to get the magical answer out here on yahoo, but I can tell you that it sounds like rules, chores, and an understanding between you, your husband, and the kids about you being a respected parent in your own home need to be put into place immediately. Good luck...

Answer 6

Incidentally a lot of older children have a lot of resentments when this happens. They don't like knowing they lost their mom, they didn't want a replacement mom, and you just happened to end up being the replacement.

This is what I'd do, I'd be there for them. First I'd sit down and talk to them face to face, tell them that you aren't there to replace their mother and you never planned to. But you'd like to be their friend at least and be there for them if they need anything. Then if something happens at school or something, even if they don't ask for it, help them out anyway.

Answer 7

Lay down the law with them. You are the mother figure of the house, and you and your husband are joint head of households. As long as they're going to receive free room and board, food and clothing from money that YOU work for, your word is law. If they don't like it, tell them to live with their mom or take them on a "field trip" to the nearest group home...

Answer 8

Well first of all,you have to have a talk with their father about what's going on.Then the both of you have to have a talk with them about respecting you,cause you do deserve that respect from them for being there for them and doing for them.Some kind of chastising has to be done for them to stop disrespecting you like that.Since you and their father are razing them,their mother needs to step in and tell them better.Cause that's what a real woman would do.They really need some type of punishment to be giving to them every time they call themselves trying to disrespect you in any kind of way.Now is the time for you and their father to start putting y'all foot down before it gets more out of hand.Since you are helping their father take care of them and their mother is not around to help take care of them,you should be getting the most up respect from them at all times.For one,that is enough to run a person away and if their father don't start doing what he is suppose to as far as getting them to respect you at all times,that mean that he does not care rather or not they respect you at all.That is the only way I would leave.They need some kind of discipline or they will get more out of hand.One day they might even really embarrass you in public by disrespecting you and acting out real bad and I know one thing you would not want for that to happen to you.You and their father relationship will start getting bad because of all the disrespect from your step-kids.They also might need to get some counseling,because of what they mother are doing or has done to them.What I'm trying to say is,they might be acting out because their mother is not there for them like she is suppose to.They might be messed up behind all of that or their mother might just be tell them that they don't have to respect you at all because you are not their real mother.What ever the case might be,now is the time for you and their father to start doing something about the situation while they are still young in age.You might have to start bringing them to church for some spiritual guidiance too.Start praying and praying for them too.I will also be praying for you and your family.Just have FAITH in the Lord and he will work every thing out for you.Just pray on it and let go and give it God.Once you give it to God,leave the situation alone and you will see how he will work it out for you in due time.Just have patients cause patients is a virtue.Keep on loving them,doing things for them,taking care of them,and keep on being a mother to them and watch how every thing will work out just fine.Also at the same time keep on demanding your respect at all times from them.Cause if you give a child an inch,they will take a mile.So God bless you and your family,and good luck to you.

Answer 9

sit ur hudsband down have a chat to him about the situation and let him deal with his kids

Answer 10

tell there dad to make them mind