Is a married man capable of being faithful after being caught in a 3 year affair?

Question

I suspected an affair for the entire time. He aggressively denied
it, even implying that I was "crazy". He cheated during my whole
pregnancy. He never used condoms with her. Ever since then ,
4 years ago, I am unable to trust him. He claims he'll never be
unfaithful again, but our relationship is not the same. I'm even
wondering if he was in love with her. He did tell her he loved her
and explained this by stating he said it only to get what he wanted
and that was sex. I'm so confused. I can't start over unless I'm
sure. He seemed really sorry. I made him go for a variety of
tests to make sure he did not contract anything.

Two weeks ago, he "accidentally" said her name while talking
to our daighter. Her name was Laverne. Instead of saying
Avril Lavigne, He said, Avril Laverne. I feel that she is still on
his mind. I feel he isn't being honest with me about his feelings.
Please advise.

Answer 1

I think you're right; he isn't being honest about his feelings. And if you think about it, how could he? He is obviously on 'probation' with you, and he obviously wants to stay.

Seeing as I have no feelings about this, I'll look at it objectively.

Three years, yes, it's bad. But what was going on during those three years? What role did you play, and what role was he playing? Did you just pay the bills and do the dr's visits and never really communicate? Did it all become about the baby?

Three years could also be seen as three years of opportunity for him to leave you. Plenty of men leave their wives, pregnant or not, without an affair on the side. If he was in love, well, he chose you -didn't he?

I think that this is not a black and white situation. You can't say 'he will never cheat again' and you can't say 'I will never trust him again'. You both have to just try your best, work on your separate issues together. He has given up on you as a source of communication and sex. You have given up on him as a person to depend on.

Perhaps you can both face these issues as adults, hard as it may be, and really try to better yourselves. Come to a conclusion that may not be perfect, but is livable.

You can work this out, but it IS work. Many people don't want to do that work. And that is why many people are divorced.

Answer 2

I was cheated on honey and I stayed with my husband. It's been 8 yrs and he hasn't cheated since. My situation is completely different than yours though. Your husband was caught and until you find out if he's sorry he was caught, or he's sorry for the affair, you are honestly never going to know the answer to your question. We can't generalize on here. Everybody's situation is different. If I were in your shoes, I'd have a real hard time believing he'll never do it again. Especially after considering the length of time this lasted...and then for him to accuse you of being the crazy one while it was going on? That's just wrong on so many levels honey. It sounds to me as if he's willing to say whatever to save his behind. I know this will be hard, but you deserve some time on this. Time to put him out for awhile. I know it'll be unbelievably hard, but for your own sanity, it's part of the healing process. This way you can sort things out in your head without him around. You can step outside of the box and look in to see if there is anything you may have missed. You'll also get to evaluate his dedication to you by judging his lifestyle on this temporary situation. And while he's out, the two of you need to go to therapy to work out the issues of why this happened in the first place. Then and only then, are you going to be able to answer any of these questions. I know you want answers now, but honey, it's just not that easy and I think you know that. Recovering from something like this is a process. This is a process you don't want to rush through. You need to take all the time you need until you feel comfortable that you've made a sound decision in whatever it is you choose to do.

I wish you well, and honey, I can promise you that it does get better. Don't give him the power to control how you should feel. He caused those emotions and you have every right to work through them on your own time!

Answer 3

He did stay, and he did end the affair, and he was sorry, although you know what a good liar he is. Now you both have to work on your mutual trust. And of course there are things that will ignite your anger or mistrust, but with work and will the lapses will be less and less.

I don't believe that once a cheater always a cheater. I believe in repentance, and forgiveness, and will. I also believe love is not only a mushy feeling in the guts, it is an active decision to care and share and trust, and be loyal to. Read 1 Corinthians 13

And the names, well, they are unfortunatelly rather similar. I sometimes get tongue tied and call my youngest daughter by our dog's name! I feel awful and of course it's a mistake, because the names are so similar (I hate it, and so I decided to change my dog's name!!).

Answer 4

You need counseling. Please get help. I know you must be unhappy, insecure, and the wounds from your husband's infidelity have not yet healed. You are still questioning whether or not he can be faithful to you.

It very well may have been an accident when he said "her" name. It was a mistake while talking to your daughter, he didn't yell out her name while in bed with you.

You have a lot of pain to heal. I know you are married and have a child. If you -- and your husband -- are willing to work on your marriage, then get into couples therapy, Let's face it, 3 years is NOT AN AFFAIR, BUT A LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP.

I cannot say if your husband is capable of being faithful to you or not. However, I can see that you still have a lot of healing to do. Please get help so you can be happy. You should be secure in your own home and secure in your marriage and not be left wondering what you husband is doing and if he is going to be faithful.

Good Luck.

Answer 5

Usually first sign of someone lying or covering something up is them getting defensive, in his case with the aggresively defending himself, and even turning it around on you ot make it look like you are the one doing wrong.

If I was you, I would leave him before he could get through to the next day and meet up with her again. For 3 years, wow, leave his *** and never be with him again. He doesn't deserve family life, if he cheats on you during pregnancy and even when child is at home with you too. It was horrible before you were pregnant still, but god, during pregnancy and after and still doing that. There is obviously no changing him! Leave him!

Answer 6

Once a cheater always a cheater no matter how hard he says he is going to try to stop he will always have **** in the back of his mind so what u need to do is move on and start a new life without him .. u can do it better to be happy then to be unhappy and cheated on simple fact

Answer 7

I wouldn't wait to find out. The worst thing would be if he did show he could be trusted for the next ten years and then you catch him again. Don't waste your time on him.
I know it is easier said and done but I am sure your family and friends would support you. Another man would also be very grateful to have you and treat you like a queen.

Answer 8

This was not a drunken one night huge mistake, 3 years, no way, you can't ever trust him, only if you can put him in front of Dr. Phil and He said give Him another chance.
Sorry to say, tough thing to do but do you want to live your life wondering if he's doing it again and you deserve better, so tell Him so.

Answer 9

A 3 yr affair! And he implied that you were crazy. He's a skunk of the worst kind. He's also a liar and you will never be able to trust him. I suggest you get rid of this garbage.

Answer 10

My gut feeling is that he cannot be trusted, but now you have a child involved so that makes things more complicated. I truly do not think you both can get past this without some help. Please consider counseling so you guys can move on with your lives, either together or apart.