Lily, Madison, and Vanessa are not at all friends. Lily just moved from California, Madison just moved from Washington, and Vanessa just moved from Florida. All girls are moving to the same place and they will become friends from one mistake.
On July 2nd three girls moved to the same town. They won’t even notice each other until the next day so let’s skip to then.
Lily was walking down the street ready to go to the local diner with her older sister when she bumped into some strange girl with four books in her hand and the newspaper in front of her face.
“ Oh, I’m so sorry! I should be more careful!”
“It’s fine.” Lily said as she helped the girl pick up her books.
“Hi! I’m Vanessa.”
“Hi Vanessa, I’m Lily.”
“Hey, I just moved here yesterday could you tell me where a place to eat is?”
“Um… Well my sister and I are going to the local Diner. I’ll ask my sister if you can come with us.”
“Thanks.”
Lily went over and asked her sister if Vanessa could come with them to the diner.
“C’mon Vanessa let’s go!”
“Sorry!”
“My sister is meeting her friend there so we can talk.”
When they walked inside the diner they saw that all the tables were full. Lily’s sister Julia went to her friend’s table. And Lily and Vanessa were alone to find a table.
They saw a table with a girl there that looked about their age.
“Hey… Um… are you saving that spot for anyone?” Lily said to the girl.
“I don’t think so.” The girl said as she smiled.
“Thank you. I’m Lily. And this is Vanessa.”
“Hi. I’m Madison.”
“We’re both new in this town could you tell us where the nearest park is?”
“Your both new? Well I have one slight problem. I just moved here too. Where did you guys move from?”
“I moved from California” Lily said to both of them.
“I moved from Florida” Vanessa said shyly.
Both Lily and Madison’s mouths’ dropped open.
“Wow! I moved from Washington. So Lily and I were at least a few hundred miles away. But Florida…Wow!”
“Well, I know that it was a much easier move for me!” Vanessa said with enthusiasm.
“Yeah, both of us moved across the country.” Lily said as she looked at Madison.
“Do both of you live near here? I do.” Madison asked.
“I do. What about you Vanessa?”
“Yeah. I do.”
“Cool. Hey Lily, Vanessa? Would you like to come to my house today?”
“I’ll ask my sister.” Lily ran over to her sister.
“I would need to call my mom and tell her… But I bet you I’ll be able to.”
“Okay, Julia said it’s okay.”
Vanessa and Lily heard a cell phone ring they suspected that it was one of the adults nearby but no. It was Madison’s cell phone.
“Hello?” Madison said into her cell phone
“Hey Madi, Don’t have anyone over. I know you, you probably already have plans for people to come over today”
Madison smiled shyly.
“Just 1 exception! Please! Mom, I cleaned my room and the house! Please?!”
“Okay. But this is the only exception!”
Madison, Vanessa, and Lily went down the street when a person came up and asked an unusual question.
“Hi! Could I have autograph?” A girl that was about 10 years old came and asked her.
“Why would you want my autograph?”
“Because! Your famous!”
“F-Famous? No, no I’m Vanessa a normal weird person!”
2006-09-10 11:15:40 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous in Arts & Humanities ➔ Books & Authors
eeehr i dont really like it, cus u ade me read 2 much!
this is another stupid answer by:
Saint Jimmy
P.s: bush is a terrorist
2006-09-10 11:22:05 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 4⤋
OK - it's not bad. However, there are a few minor, easily fixable issues.
The second paragraph is unnecessary. The first line of paragraph 3 is long and should be broken up into two or even three shorter sentences. Who is talking to whom at the end of paragraph three? Who is saying sorry?
Don't start any sentence with "but" or "and". Find other ways to say "said" - use an online thesaurus to find alternate words. Using the same words over and over will bore the reader, and they will not read all the way through.
“I don’t think so.” The girl said as she smiled. - would read better as "No, I'm not," she replied with a smile.
Vanessa and Lily heard a cell phone ring they suspected that it was one of the adults nearby but no. It was Madison’s cell phone.
How about this instead? A cell phone ring, a cute jingle, caught Vanessa and Lily's attention. They watched Madison as she removed her phone from her jacket and answered it.
Now - Do people say 1? No, they say one. Don't use numbers, spell out the word.
A person would never say they were a "normal weird person."
"No, I think you're mistaken, I'm just a normal person!"
Watch your use of the words your and you're. Your means you own it, it belongs to you. You're is short for you are.
Pay a little more attention to detail - how do each of the girls look? What kind of people are they? A good trick to writing characters is to make up a biography for them before you write the story. Name, age, looks, likes, dislikes, stuff like that. Overall a good effort, and if you take some of my advice to heart, you'll be able to really make your story stand out! Email me if you need help, I'm a writer myself and would love to help you.
2006-09-10 18:40:30 · answer #2 · answered by ReeRee 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Adding to the other replies I simply suggest lose the introductions in dialogue. They drag the story. The exchanges between the three girls are dull, nothing grabbing the reader. Insert dialogue that provides instant tenseness, such as, "Yeah, I'm from California, the home of celebrities and other unintelligent life forms."
Your narrative and the dialogue is redundant. It's better to put the information in dialogue than simply telling the reader what's going on. Show by using sharp, pointed dialogue.
And it is perfectly correct to start a sentence with the word 'and' or 'but.' English styles of grammar change through usage.
A sentence ending with an exclamation point and a question mark is never allowed. Use one or the other--never both.
Thus far, I see your tale geared only to the young adult or teen crowd. Nevertheless, it still need tension and you can't provide that with lame dialogue about introductions, the weather, or meaningless chatter over the cell phone. Dialogue must move the plot and the characters forward--never standing still and sink in the prose.
Good luck with its revision.
2006-09-10 19:43:46 · answer #3 · answered by Guitarpicker 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
More detailed dialogue... Everything is very short simple; little depth. But if that's what you're aiming for.... And everything seems compressed, all squeezed together. I know how it gets; you get this great idea and you want to rush to the part you want to get to...but that just hurts the beginning. What you need to do is train yourself to slow down and add all the needed details...or go back later and fill it in. I tend to do both.
2006-09-10 18:23:58 · answer #4 · answered by Aim 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Usually people don't invite strangers to eat or come to there house after knowing them for 15 seconds. You might need to work on how realistic every thing is.
2006-09-10 20:16:03 · answer #5 · answered by Snow Angel 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
it's not good. way to much dialog and not enought setup a nd explanation. it's more like a staqge script than a story
2006-09-10 18:25:17 · answer #6 · answered by Scott L 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
The end was a bummer. You should have added something more. and yea it made me read a lot.
2006-09-14 18:13:14 · answer #7 · answered by Pack_is_back 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋