What should we do about the holidays?

Question

My husband and I signed separation papers and he moved out. His girlfriend is moving in with him soon.

We have a teenage daughter who hates the girlfriend and doesn't understand everything that has happened. We are not sure what to do about the holidays. She gets 2 days off for Thanksgiving and 2 weeks off for Christmas. I want her to see her dad sometime, but she doesn't want to see the girlfriend. Any ideas?

Answer 1

Well for staters since I dont know what state you live in I cant give you any advice on the legal terms of it, and as always seek counsel from an attorney no matter WHAT you read on here.

Usually, based on the age of the child, the child may be able to choose whether or not she want to spend time with dad or not, however the law may require her to, even if she doesnt want to.

If you are having problems in this area, such as trying to find middle ground on visitation, you should probably speak with a lawyer.
A written Seperation Agreement is ALWAYS best.

***The whole idea of visitation is to make children realize that they have two parents and that both parents, despite their personal differences, are entitled to love and to be loved in return. In addition, visitation maintains the bond between the noncustodial parent and the children even though the matrimonial bond has been broken by divorce.****

However this is a seperation agreement not an actualy divorce. Usually a court decides on a serpration agreement with the hopes that the couple can work things out rather than divorce.

***A marital separation agreement is a legal agreement between a husband and a wife that can last through a number of years and will determine your rights, obligations, and responsibilities concerning your marriage. You and your spouse can amend the agreement at a later date if you both agree to the changes.

***When you initially execute a marital separation agreement you normally do not have to file the separation agreement with the court to be effective. However, you should check about rules governing separation agreement filings to make sure your state laws have not changed.
Why is it Important to Have a Written Agreement?
A marital separation agreement can be important to have for several reasons. First, it is helpful if you need to provide evidence to the court about the date that you separated. Second, a separation agreement leaves no doubt about the specifics of your marriage relationship and how you would like your property divided as well as how you wish to settle issues of child custody/support, spousal support, responsibility for debts, taxes, and other important issues.

Finally, for the protection of both parties, it is better to have a clear written agreement rather than rely on verbal agreements.

Do I Need a Lawyer to Write a Marital Separation Agreement?
No, couples may draft their own separation agreements without the assistance of a lawyer. However, in some situations it may be wise to consult an attorney or have them review your agreement.

According to the Family Legal Advisor: "The law has generally maintained that if you and your spouse are actually separated, and you no longer live together as husband and wife, any agreement you make with each other that is fair, and that provides for the support of the wife, is legal and binding".

Even if you are planning on using an attorney, experts suggest at least putting together the basic framework for your separation agreement before your visit. You will be more informed, better prepared, and you could save yourself a considerable amount of money in legal fees.
When you initially execute your Marital Settlement Agreement you do not have to file the Agreement with the Court to be effective.

The typical separation agreement, or a stipulation of settlement resolving a divorce should state whether the agreement is to survive the judgment of divorce as a separate contract, or whether it should be merged and incorporated into the judgment of divorce thus allowing for modification similar to a court order. Which should you choose?

Where it Does Not Matter

Your decision will have no effect on the issue of custody and visitation because these issues can be modified until a child reaches the age of 18. The court will base its decision upon whether there is a change of circumstances that render it in the child’s best interest to modify the custody and/or visitation provisions.

Your decision will also have no effect on the issue of distribution of assets. The Court will not modify the terms of distribution.

Where it Makes a Significant Difference

1) Spousal Support/Maintenance - If you have stipulated in advance that your divorce agreement will be merged into the judgment of divorce, then the court can later modify the duration and amount of maintenance if circumstances are presented to warrant the raising or lowering of the amount. However, if the divorce agreement survives the judgment, it is a contract that the court may not modify.

2) Child Support - If the agreement on divorce merges into the judgment, then the court may modify that support upward or downward when a change of circumstances may warrant modification. On the other hand, if the agreement survives the judgment, then the standard for upward modification is an unforeseen and unanticipated change of circumstances that would warrant an increase in support. However, a request for a downward modification in support is significantly harder to prove, and becomes something to think about when deciding whether or not to elect this option.

3) Right to Sue - If the agreement survives as a separate contract, then even if the judgment is modified by the court, the other party can sue under contract law to enforce the contract obligation and obtain a money judgment for what is owing and seek to collect it. If, however, the agreement is merged and the judgment is modified then the payer cannot separately sue for enforcement of the contract. Indeed, in this situation there is no separate surviving contract on which to sue.
A separation agreement (sometimes called a Pendente Lite Order) is a formal agreement between you and your spouse. It provides for support and other financial conditions until the divorce is final. Be sure to get this in the form of a court order. Without a court order, your agreement is not binding. This should be easy if you and your spouse can negotiate and agree on the terms. If you and your spouse agree, you probably won't have to appear in court, as your attorney will take the signed agreement to the judge who will sign it thereby making it a court order. Your separation agreement is something you and your spouse should negotiate. As with all other aspects of a divorce the more decisions made out of court the better off you are. Unfortunately, getting your divorce may take longer than you think (or would like). That is why it is so important to have a concise separation agreement.

What the agreement should contain:
How much child support is to be paid (if applicable). How often it is to be paid and the way it will be paid. If possible, you may want to have it as a payroll deduction through your local child support agency. Remember that there is not a stigma attached to that. If anything, you should feel proud that you are supporting your children.


A set visitation schedule. Be as specific as possible when it comes to this area of your agreement. Make sure the times set aside are convenient for the children as well as the adults. Often adults forget that children have lives of their own when setting up the visitation schedule.


How much alimony (if any) is to be paid. Remember that alimony is taxable to the recipient and deductible for the payer. This is only true if alimony is in the form of a Court Order, or a written agreement signed by both parties. Additionally, if there are alimony payments you cannot file a joint return. Discuss this with an accountant. Depending upon the situation, it may be better to not allocate the funds as alimony.


Who is responsible for the joint bills.


" Who will remain in the marital residence (formally known as your home), who will pay for the upkeep of it, if one party is paying all the bills will the expenses for upkeep be allocated at the time of the divorce, or if the house is sold. Click here for more information on selling you home.


If you are due any type of joint refund such as tax refund, determine how they will be split. If you can't reach an agreement often times those funds end up in an escrow account until the issue is settled.


If you own a home, who will take the tax deduction for the mortgage interest and real estate taxes if you file separately. Usually it is the person who is paying the mortgage; however, if one person needs the deduction and the other doesn't need it, this could be a good negotiating point.


If you have children, who will take the tax deduction for the children if you file separately. Usually the spouse paying the support would be allowed to claim one or more of the children Depending on the amount of support being paid. However once again if one person can use the deduction and the other doesn't need it, this could be a good negotiating point.

Answer 2

Ouch. I know that this isn't easy for you...but this is traumatic for the daughter...and it will be for years to come unfortunately. I hate to say this but she will resent the new girlfriend. The best thing or you to do is to upstage the father. The daughter will appreciate it for years to come. This is a great opportunity for you and your daughter to bond.

What do I mean by upstage? Basically throw the best Thanksgiving for just the both of you. Spend some time together. Play games, go see a movie, etc. Trust me...you don't want to being hard feelings to the table. It's a time to be thankful, and optimistique. : )

Hope this helps

Answer 3

Invite the dad to your home for the express purpose of being with his daughter -- without the girlfriend! If the dad and your daughter get along okay, he shouldn't object to spending part of the time with her. Maybe you could go somewhere else and let them spend some time alone together if you feel awkward having him around under the circumstances. As for the girlfriend, she shouldn't object to your husband's relationship with his daughter. If she does, that's her problem. She may as well realize that your husband may have separated from you, but not from his child. If she makes him choose between her and his daughter, guess who'll win.....It's a rare man who will put some bimbo ahead of his own flesh and blood.

Answer 4

Basically, she shouldn't be pressured to have to be around the girlfriend. I assume the girlfriend was a factor in the breakup. If so, the daughter's feelings are reasonable. That would make the girlfriend scum, for playing around with a married man. Don't worry about having the daughter see Dad. Dad can see his daughter, but he's going to have to see her when the gal pal isn't in the picture. Since she is moving in- Dad can figure out HOW to see his kid. This is probably Dad's mess, let him clean it up.

Answer 5

She needs to tell her father she wants to see him but not with his girlfriend. He can take her out places with him or visit at a neutral place like his parents' house or the friend of a family. I had a friend who left his wife for another woman. He took the kids to the zoo, an art museum, amusement park and places like that. I agree with the other respondent that your daughter needs counseling.

Answer 6

You better start this off with one thing in mind.......it is not your place to control what her father is doing, who he associates with and the holiday plans. Your daughter needs to work that part out with her father and you need to Stay Out Of It!!!! You only have to be concerned about your holiday plans at your house!

Answer 7

Do not force your daughter to see someone that she doesnt' want to see in time she will have to trust her father and his GF if this was me I would ask if we can all meet at a safe place like a resturant and ease your daughter into this new transisition this is a lot for any teen to handle at this time in their life I would ask your daughter what does she want to do and if she tells you that she doesn't want to see her father then she needs to tell him and they need to hash things out

Answer 8

IF SHE HEE YOU AND THE GIRLFRIEND GETTING ALONG I KNOW ITS STUPID BUT YOUR DAUTHER NEED TO UNDERSTAND THAT YOU ALL IS STILL OKAY WITH THE DECISION YOU ALL MADE IT CAN BE JUST COFFEE LUNCH AND MAYBE ONE HOILDAY YOU ALL CAN SPEND TOGETHER INCLUDING THE GIRLFRIEND JUST FOR YOUR DAUGHTER CAN UNDERSTAND THE WHOLE THING

Answer 9

You need to consider counseling for you child so she can learn to cope with the situation.