Bratty toddler causing extreme anxiety in father?

Question

My wife and I have a 16-month-old daughter. We also don't work during the same hours of the day, so there're times when I am alone with the kid for many hours at a time, several days a week. I didn't want to have a child in the first place; my wife did. This child seems to have been born with the "terrible 2's"--she has been difficult since the day she was born. Wouldn't breastfeed, wouldn't sleep on her back, etc. Still at 16 months old won't sleep through the night and won't give up on milk from bottles. When awake she is often impossible to deal with. I am 37 years old and have been around many other toddlers. Ours takes the cake no contest. You can't take her out to a public place without an embarrassing scene withing 5 minutes. Tantrums you would never believe. Never takes a decent nap during the day yet still goes to bed 9:30 at night or later. Not enough room to tell the whole story here, but I'm afraid I might hurt her someday. Nobody understands my anxiety but me.

Answer 1

"Nobody understands my anxiety but me."
Want to bet on that? Ask any new parent how stressed and disturbed they are when they can't handle their children. You would be surprised at the high number of people who say they get angry or loose their temper/patience with their child. There are many of us who think that the bad behavior of our children is worse than any other. Because we don't have to deal with the other children all the time the way we do our own, so we don't see the worst of it.

First of all, talk to your wife about how you feel. She needs to be aware, if she isn't, that you feel unable to deal with the difficult demands of your daughter. Maybe suggest possible outside help. A part time nanny there with you may be able to take some of the stress and worry away. She could assist with child care, and give you a break from the anxiety.

Then take her to the doctor. She may have a problem behind her behavior. If your pediatrician doesn't find anything, ask about a behavioral specialist. There are so many health and mental issues than can cause children to be more diffficult. While I'm not saying there is anything wrong with her, she may need a special diet or something for her needs.

Also look into counseling for yourself. A good family therapist can help you to find ways to relax. Belive it or not, there are many other people out there who didn't want kids, or just don't have that "connection" to handle them. You may be taking your resentment out on the wrong person. You may be upset that your wife got what she wanted (a child) while you are having to pick up the slack and care for the baby when she is at work. There are countless ways to deal with your feelings without the worry of violence hanging over your head, which I know from experiance, is scary. Even taking up some sport or exercise can work off that anger in a postitive way.

Then make sure that your daughter is on the same routine every day. The same times every day for doing things can help many children cope better with the world. Remember that she has to try to figure everything out in life for the first time. Start with the same wake up time, the same time for breakfast, lunch, dinner, bathtime, bedtime. Do the same things every day, like maybe a bedtime routine starts with a bath, then brushing teeth and hair, then a story, then bed. Many children deal better when their lives are set by a clock than letting them dictate feeding and sleeping times.

Get help from where ever you can, counselor, therapist, clergy, family, parenting classes, etc... You are not alone, and there are others out there who have been where you are today. There are professionals that can help you to deal with your feelings.

Answer 2

(quote) This child seems to have been born with the "terrible 2's"--she has been difficult since the day she was born. Wouldn't breastfeed, wouldn't sleep on her back, etc. Still at 16 months old won't sleep through the night and won't give up on milk from bottles.(quote)

Answer: First of alL Has she been diagnosed with any problems by a doctor?

The way to break a child of this age from the bottle is to take out 1 oz milk and add 1 oz water in each bottle until it is almost all water and she won't want it any longer. Feed her milk from a cup at her meals.

(quote)When awake she is often impossible to deal with. I am 37 years old and have been around many other toddlers. Ours takes the cake no contest. You can't take her out to a public place without an embarrassing scene withing 5 minutes. Tantrums you would never believe.

Answer: She needs loving attention and dicipline. Dicipline means to make deciples of. Do you and your wife give in to her when she has these tantrums or does she get a time out with no tv or toys in her bed for 2 minutes for unwanted behavior and lots of praise, hugs and kisses for good behaviorf? When in public and her behavior is bad, has she had enough sleep, is she hungry, is she sick? If not a trip to the restroom and a swift swat or two on her leg will work.

Small children are trained much like puppies. You are the leader and she must obey.

(quote)She never takes decent nap during the day yet still goes to bed 9:30 at night or later.

Answer: Place her in her bed in a darkened room for 2 hours each day at the same time if possible. If she doesn't sleep at least she has rested and you have too.

(quote)Not enough room to tell the whole story here, but I'm afraid I might hurt her someday. Nobody understands my anxiety but me.

I certainly do understand. I am the mother of three and grandmother of 6. They all have different personalities and different behavior problems. It just takes consistency, patients, love and work. I know that you do love her so never make her think that she is bad. Only the behavior, which is frustrating. Never let her see that you are frustrated. Children who see their parents frustrated have won.

Remember that you and your wife are raising her to become a well adjusted adult. God bless you.

Answer 3

You may want to address your obivous negative attitude towards your child. I am the mother of a toddler and it can deifinately be frustrating at times, so I can sympathize. My concern is simply your feelings about the child. The whole way you speak about the situation conveys that you find no joy in her presence at all. Regardless of whether you wanted to have a child or not she's here and that's not her fault. There was no sign of love in anything you said. With children that can create a self-fulfilling prophecy. If a child is lacking in love or feels unwanted by some person than of course she is going to be less happy than other children. You don't need supernanny (although I do like the show). You need to work on estabilishing some functional affection towards your child and try to creat a positive self-fulfilling prophecy. Even in the height of frustration there has to be that voice inside of you that says a 16 month old is not choosing that behavior its created by something that is lacking in her environment. My guess is that having a loving relationship with her father would be a good start. As she gets to be older 4-5 + she will be choosing behaviors. By then hopefully you and your wife will have laid the groundwork for some positive behavior. The choices you make now will make a big difference then.

Answer 4

All of the answers here are really great. I hope reading them helped you relax a bit. shortness of breath and trembling are two of the most common anxiety attack feelings. By the way, I answered this question assuming you have anxiety not some kind of heart condition... Anyway, I think by now (a few days after you asked this question) you would know if you had a heart attack. A car accident is a very scary event, especially if it was really bad. This can definitely lead to anxiety even one week later. The mind is a very complex thing. The stress we have to deal with on a daily basis is really astonishing when you think about it. Our minds have to do amazing things in order to keep us from going off the deep end. In some cases we might not realize how intense a situation was until a long time after. My theory is that anxiety and panic attacks are a way for our bodies to distract us from something unpleasant (like thinking about a horrifying experience or dealing with an person who is very negative and brings a lot of negative to the environment) Definitely keep the appointment. Realize that anxiety can not hurt you so you don't have to go sooner. If you are visiting a general practitioner try to get a referral to a specialist who can help you with therapy. Or if you are one who can work through their own stress and anxiety try to do that.

Answer 5

I also have a 12 mth old and understand how you feel. He's good but my friend has a baby girl who's high maintenance, try feeding her carbs close to bedtime to make her extra full that might help with the sleeping through, have orjel for her teeth on hand as her teeth might be bothering her and tempra too also I always give little ones dried Cheerios on the high chair tray or if the house is clean even on the floor and if you have a playpen start using it often and changing up the toys. Take her for a walk in the stroller is also fun for you and her even if it's on for 10 minutes. Good luck as I know these are trying times.

Answer 6

Put her in a foster home. She goes in a back bedroom when the parents want to go to bed if she cries to bad. She gets up when they say she gets up. If she screams no one hears her.
Then she is changed and put in a play pen for hours. with a few toys. If she screams and wants out she is put in a back bedroom so she doesn't bother anyone. She gets feed if and when they want to and they turn out to be really good kids.
Appreciate any attention they get and no one cares if she sleeps on her back or face. They never get to go out in public.
A sitter comes in when the parents have to go out.
Your kid is a spoiled brat. You make her so bad that even you don't like her. When she grows up no one else will either.
Because when she doesn't get her own way and people don't jump to her command she will throw a fit. That works real good in public school. At the first tantrum they go back in the playpen in the back room with the door shut. Soon they learn that conduct is unacceptable. You can't go out with us because last time you threw a fit. Stay home a few times and when they go next time act civilized. Your createing a monster.
Who is the parent? Who rules? She is telling you what to do?
If you don't I am going to scream. So let her scream.

Answer 7

i really hate to tell you this but here it goes, all this is you and your wifes fault, you have to lay down the law another words you have to make things the way you want them when its bed time you put her to bed and if she gets up you put her back as many times as it takes be consistant with every think if you want to go out and she pitches a fit you yake her to the car and then take her back in and the next time get a baby sitter if that continues a night on the town without a child driving you batty is a great thing and a well deserved break you are the ones letting her run your house and you have to stop it when she gets older she has to go to school and the school will not put up with this so you are making it hard on yourselves as well as you are making it hard on her too.

Answer 8

You need Supernanny!

This child senses very well your animosity toward her. It's a shame that you are taking your anger out on the child. The child deserves loving father, not one who resents that she exists!

This is going to require some professional help.
terrible 2's is one thing. . . .for two year olds, but not for a full 16 months from birth.
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