How do you get thru a horribly painful divorce?

Question

How do I let go of the man I promised to love "till death do us part" even though he is cheating on me? We've been married 15 years, the last of which he has been involved with another woman. I'm an attractive woman, intelligent, we share 2 beautiful children and I never thought in a million years this would happen to us. He is seeing a recently divorced woman (yes, they were together even before SHE divorced) 4 children under 7 years old and she is a little more than lacking in the smarts dept.

I guess I can see the logic as to WHY to let him go, but how do you tell your heart to follow suit? Any advice, suggestions would be greatly appreciated; nasty comments are NOT welcomed. I've seen a lot of posts here and even though I am opening myself up to rude comments, I would love to see some compassionate answers. :o)

I am going thru counseling (with the kids too) started a different job after he left.. I think I'm doing all the right things, but it's this whole "heart" thing. HE filed for divorce, though it's not final yet -- this just isn't where I thought I'd be at 36 yrs old. *sigh*

Answer 1

No smart alec comments--- your question deserves some logic, and some personal experience:
I married the prince, the absolute prince -- handsome, super smart, educated, silly, fun, adventuresome, and between the two of us, wealthy. And his faults, I just ignored. We were pillars in the community, lovely friends, and traveled the world -- Africa 6 or 7 times, Asia, Central America, Nepal, Turkey, Tahiti, the list was endless. But the last 5 years saw his depression worsen, and alcohol take over his (our! !) life. He cheated, I found out, and I left, moved to another state. We both cooled off, and chose to remain friends -- actually we became good friends over the phone, and talked about the trials of internet dating. I was overjoyed that he had gotten himself into AA, re-established himself in the community, and was doing well. He had even found a girlfriend, ( a different girlfriend) and I had found someone as well -- thru the internet*. Imagine my absolute grief that my now again best friend, but no longer my husband, and never would be again, was killed in an accident. That was last July 4 of last year. I never wanted him back as a husband, but I lost my best friend...

To adjust to your situation, remember the good things, and remember that everything absolutely and positively ends badly -- people die, people fall out of love, and marriages end. We as a species were never meant to live so long -- you were old at 40 even 200 years ago. Egyptians were encouraged to marry early, because they died early. And even 100 years ago, few got to stay married 20 years. (Ramses and other long-lived pharoahs were the exception simply because their lives were not difficult as was that of the ordinary citizen.... ) Remember that you have two lovely children by him, and so you and he will always have that bond. There is comfort in knowing that he will absolutely not end up with this lady ... they never do. But what makes a marriage -- Passion, Admiration, Respect and Trust is now gone..... And if/when the Trust is gone, the others are too. "The only thing ever good reheated is stuffed cabbage", someone once told me, so I was never planning to try to get back together with him -- my parents tried it, and it didn't work. And you will only be disappointed if you try it. So what do you do now? If your goal is to be with another companion, try the internet.
*And that works this way: If you need to loose some weight, start today. If you don't have a drop dead killer smile, see the best cosmetic dentist in your area. Buy yourself a few great outfits. In other words, spend some buckos on YOU. Get some great photos taken, and put up a profile....Yahoo Personals, Match.com.... You won't meet mister perfect right away, but he is indeed out there. Use logic where to meet, after you have exchanged e-mails and a conversation or two. There are nutty people out there just like those sitting next to you in church. And you will think a guy is great, and you never hear from him again, and he will think you are great, and you found the hour at the restaurant seemed to last forever. If you find someone interesting, spend some $$$ and do a background check -- he will certainly do one on you.
How to let your husband go? He is no longer what he was. You are in love with what he was -- your image of him, and reality are not the same, and when that finally kicks in, you will be a step farther down the road.
If you are anything like me, you liked being married, and to be by yourself isn't your idea on how life should be lead. The internet is the modern way to meet. Write me if you have any questions.... good luck, sweetie

Answer 2

After my own painful divorce, I became a facilitator, for a brief time, of a separated/divorced group. A wonderful man has provided all of us with an excellent tool for analysis and strength. It's a book called Rebuilding, by Dr. Bruce Fisher. I own the third edition in which he lists 19 building blocks back to healthy relationships. I would highly recommend you look at this book. You might want to start with the chapter on guilt/rejection.

Regarding your current position, our hearts take a long time to heal, especially when we are struggling against our inner value system. If you do not believe in divorce and feel that your vows are sacred, then it's going to be a very painful process to even contemplate divorce. Ask yourself a couple of questions: 1) Are your lives still intertwined or are you only traveling together along parallel paths? If the second is true, then ask yourself if you can live with and accept that as a relationship; 2) What will be the best choice for the sake of the children? Remember they are always the innocent victims. If the two of you are continously screaming at each other, the children will be wondering what they have done to cause it. Their focuses at a young age are still limited to how their world affects them. In some cases, staying together for the sake of the children is a bad choice as the children become crippled emotionally within a terrible atmosphere. Other times, it may be the right choice, if the children feel secure and the parents can remain civil to each other.

Divorce is never easy. It has nothing to do with whether you are attractive or intelligent. It has everything to do with one partner deciding that they no longer love the other partner, and a weak person will always search for new pastures.

Good luck.

Answer 3

I am sorry for your pain but the man isn't worth keeping!If you have put that much time into someone who can't even be honest enough to tell you he wants someone else...let him go!Kick him to the curb! Now as for the heart? Well that's a hard thing to deal with.Your mind will always conflict with your heart UNTIL you have had enough!When you lay next to someone for years,and give your time,heart,body and soul to that one person,it is a comfort zone that the heart doesn't want to let go of(that's what I think,due to my own experience)It is hard to start over with someone new.It's hard trying to find someone new when you've been out of the game for so long.But It will happen.You sound like a very loving person and you don't need a man who can't respect you for all you have given him.There are a lot of things to consider...like how do you know this was the first time?And SHOULD he get over it and want to start again with you,can you trust him to never cheat again?Sadly,most of the time the old saying"once a cheater,always a cheater"is true.Especially if you keep forgiving it.35 or 40 yrs ago,it was forgiven or overlooked because there was not a lot of options for women especially.Now it's a whole new game with all the diseases out there! I mean who knows how many men this woman has been with?She obviously is not too moral to cheat on HER husband with yours,so is it her first time?prob not.And with children to think about..that's rough.I say if you are an intelligent woman and attractive on the inside and out,and it sounds like you are..move on,find someone that knows you deserve better than that.Not all men are bad.Someone out there is looking for someone just like you!Get out there girl and find him! Don't wait until he brings a disease home that you might catch.Marriage is sacred(I believe)and if he can't keep the vows you two made together,then it's not on you.You kept your promise.He broke it,you fix it..move him on to her house and let her put up with him!Your too good for that mess!Like I said..find what you deserve and don't settle for anything less! I wish you luck and lots of happiness!

Answer 4

time is the best medicine, you know? It's just as when someone close to you dies, you have to accept the loss, face pain, go through it and you'll come out ok. Try and keep yourself busy, do things that will make you feel good and boost your self esteem. Maybe this will help...

This Too Shall Pass

If I can endure for this minuteWhatever is happening to me,No matter how heavy my heart isOr how dark the moment may be-If I can remain calm and quietWith all the world crashing about me,Secure in the knowledge God loves meWhen everyone else seems to doubt me-If I can but keep on believingWhat I know in my heart to be true,That darkness will fade with the morningAnd that this will pass away, too-Then nothing in life can defeat meFor as long as this knowledge remainsI can suffer whatever is happeningFor I know God will break all of the chainsThat are binding me tight in the darknessAnd trying to fill me with fear-For there is no night without dawningAnd I know that my morning is near....Helen Steiner Rice

Answer 5

You make up your mind. Your heart will follow. Start concentrating on you and your kids. Do fun or relaxing things that you and the kids want to do. Don't forget to take time out of taking care of them, to take care of yourself. Startup your old hobby, or get a new one. Rediscover who you really are aside from him. YOU are a REAL person. Not just his ex. Redefine your self in terms of YOU- who you are, and who you want to be. I'm sure that you will be better off in the long run, but until then:
You get through it - one moment - one breath at a time. Stay in the now as much as possible. Keep telling yourself " I CAN get through THIS ONE minute. I can get through THIS one minute..." And eventually those one minutes add up to an hour, a day, and a week, and before you know it, you are seeing things in a whole new light. ***If you try to live for the whole future, it gets frightening, because you cannot control things in the future, but in this one moment...
You have to remember that his actions say things about who he is -- a cheater - a weak willed person - not about who you are. It's easy to play the "If I'd done____, if I'd been___." game. Don't go there. You didn't cheat - he did. He wanted to, and it doesn't make you anything less because he can't be faithful.
You sound like a strong woman, and I have faith in you that you will make things turn out ok, for your kids, and for YOU!
My prayers are with you, and I hope your heart doesn't hurt too long...

Answer 6

You do not need a relationship right now focus on your children this is going to affect them dramatically, the children will need counseling depending on their ages, and so will you make sure you do not bring baggage to the next relationship by sorting out your feelings and nott taking it out on every man you come across all men are not cheaters he just was not the one for you. God has something bigger and better planned for you so he had to get rid of any obstacles in the way. Be very nice when you speak to your ex-husband because being nasty will only make you feel worst and make him feel like he made the right choice give him no reason to avoid seeing his children. You are the winner here he is the loser and the cards are in your hand so deal with the situation accordingly. If you need more advice feel free to e- mail me.

Answer 7

In my situation, I left my ex (he had another woman on the side) and let my son chose who he wanted to stay with. He stayed with dad because I move out of the area and he wanted to be with his friends and school. Anyway, the divorce was final after 6 months and there was alot of anger and unanswered questions but I was determined to pick things back up and get back on track. The ex refuses to have any kind of communication with me but my son and I are still very close. It probably took about 2 yrs to get over the anger and I told myself it's done, don't physically ruin myself stressing about something he is responsible for. I had my lows, being out of work, getting used to different area and lifestyle, but I have been able to rebuild my life and things are looking great to this day and I am happier than I have ever been. It's been 8 yrs since divorce but my advice to you is that you matter and you need to hold your own, do what you think will improve your future and 'ta heck with da loser"....Good luck! :)

Answer 8

You don't get throughit, you survive it.
If you really must divorce, look for about 2 years to get your life back on track.
Use family and friends as a support group, but DO NOT ask them to choose sides, as it's unfair to them.
You cannot just get over him in a day or a week, however. Your relationship didn't start in one day and can't stop that way.
Look for people who have had the same experiences, and support each other.
And please don't talk poorly about their father in front of the kids. He's still their father no matter what happens between the parents. Just give them all the love you can.

Answer 9

First I just wanted to say that I really sorry for everything that you are going through .. I know its a very difficult time for you and your 2 beautiful children. I would like to suggest to go to family counseling for the children and individual counseling for yourself. It will help you emotionally get through the situation you are in. Each day, is another step closer to moving on with your life. Right now, you just have to be strong for your kids and for yourself. Seek comfort in friends and family. It will get better as time pass

Hugs from a Loving Mom to a Brilliant, as well as beautiful 8 year old Jared and Our Angel, Zachary (taken to soon but who will always remain in our heart) ~ Mel

Answer 10

How do you let go? I think you just turn around and don't look back. I suppose you still love him. That's fine, but you've got to love yourself even more. Do you think you deserve better? What do you think your children will think of you? I think you should show your children, husband, and yourself what a strong woman looks like.

At first I was afraid
I was petrified.
Didn't think that I could live
without you by my side.
Then I spent so many nights
thinking how you did me wrong
Then I grew strong
And I learned how to get along....

I can only guess this is really hard for you, but if you want to pull through this, just tell yourself that you gotta do what you gotta do.