Help Me, I'm Confused?

Question

Bear with me on this. It maybe a little long. I've been seeing this guy for over two years now. We have known each other over six years though. Now when we first met, he was in a relationship with this young lady. He told me a lot about how the relationship was.. Very heartbreaking. Fights and arguements every day because of her being very insecure. (Just to let you know, him and I were just friends at the time) Anyway, we would see one another every now and again and just talk about of lives. For like a year or two, we didn't see one another. Until one day I saw him. We talked for a while and ever since then we've been dealing on not only a friend term but sexual too. However, he made it clear that he didn't want a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship because of all the problems he had in the last one. I agreed. He started coming by every day. Then every day turned into living for about a year while he searched for his own apartment. After he got his own apartment, things still stayed the same. He come by me every day, sleep by me every day, has a lot of clothes by me, etc. So here in lies my confusion. After all this time has passed, we've begun having stronger feelings for each other. But when these feelings surface, he speak on how he loves me but he don't want to be a boyfriend and go back down that road of horrors. I can understand what he is saying, but I began to worry sometimes. I began to become insecure. I don't want to lose him. I don't care about a title. But I don't know if we are actually in a commitment. We live like it, so it feels like it. But then there are times, I wonder. Please talk to me.

Answer 1

In his mind you are not in a commitment and here's why: He has commitment issues. If you do ever get into a deeper committed relationship and he hasn't resolved the commitment issues, then your relationship will be frought with difficulty and you will bear the brunt of it. He will just do what pleases him without regard for you and that will only cause you pain in the long run. It sounds like he wants that now anyway. He is keeping you dancing on the sidelines because he knows you are there, while he feels free to go dance on the dance floor and play around. Trust me, I'm a guy too and I can see what's going on here.

You need to tell him how you feel and ask him directly how he feels about you. Then let him know that you will wait a certain amount of time (such as 6 months) for him to deal with these commitment issues. If he ridicules you for saying that or if he tries to make you feel bad for bringing it up, then get him completely out of your life and move on. If he tells you he will work on it, then wait around a bit. But if he doesn't actually work on it, then re-iterate the ultimatum.

I know it's hard to think about leaving someone you love but the bottom line is you need to respect yourself. When guys jerk you around (no matter how nice they may seem) they are not really respecting you. If you stick around and put up with this, you will only end up feeling worse about yourself in the long run. But, I promise you that if you stick up for yourself, even if it means leaving and getting him out of your life, after you go through a period of grieving and heartbreak, you will come to feel so much better about yourself in the end. And when you do finally find a guy who will love you and commit to you, then all the grief you went through now will have been worth it.

Have you actually met the ex? It sounds like you have only heard your friend's side of the story. But keep in mind there is also another side. It could be that your friend really is a player and was doing the same thing to his ex that he's doing to you, that is leading you close and then shutting you out. That is enough to drive anyone to feelings of insecurity (whether man or woman). Do you want to go through all that too?

And by the way, it's not just a one-way street. There are a lot of women out there who do this kind of stuff to guys too. It's called bullshit and games. Who needs that?

Answer 2

Let me tell you... love is blind in all aspects, and love don't love nobody. Whether it's being acknowledge by him, you are his girlfriend, if not then you are just convenience, It is what it is, and there's no sugar coating that. That young man seems to not want a commitment right now. You have to put your foot down. Have you ever heard of the saying that old folks used to say. WHY BUY THE COW WHEN YOU CAN GET THE MILK FOR FREE. NO you may not care about a title, but ask yourself this. Should I settle for this? When you guys go out, or if in fact if you do go out, and if you run across someone he hasn't seen in a while. Would he introduce you as his lady, or a friend. There should be no question whether you are in a committed relationship or not. It's been a whole year, nobody can really tell you what to do, but only you know how much you can handle, and what you can bear. You sound as if you want to go far with this. Is there a future for you two? Ask yourself this, then ask him; you deserve to know.

Answer 3

Hi there. A friend of mine had a similar case to yours. She tried many ways to tie a knot but the guy prefer to have no strings attached. Things became unbearable for my friend till she had to part ways with the boyfriend. It was quite a hasty decision for me because she never want to talk things out and ended up hurting herself so much more. I understand how you felt. All I can say is, before making any decision, do consult friends & families and get their opinion and never give up trying to talk to your boyfriend. Obviously everyone wants to start a family. Make your boyfriend realise that it is worthit to be with you because you've been getting on very well all these while. He just needs that assurance. I am not trying to sound mean but if your boyfriend keeps on giving excuses and such, maybe he's not really that interested in you after all. Ask him to prove that he is really meant for you. Hope this helps! :)

Answer 4

It sounds like he doesn't want to get hurt again, obviously. You know your easiest bet might be to let him read what you just wrote. It is very heart felt and honest. He is carrying alot of unnecessary baggage around with him and he's holding a major grudge against this one person, he needs to realize that that was then and not everyone will handle a relationship the way that person did. I would say he sees the potential in you or he wouldn't still be coming around - he needs to realize it soon or you may need to take extra steps to show him that you won't wait forever, it MIGHT make him realize what he has(you can only hope anyway)! Good Luck

Answer 5

Sound very much like Alice in Wonderland, Never-Never-Land or some goofy fantasy. You aren't bf/gf but live together, no commitment but you're committed, you're friends and have sex? It's easy to get into these things I guess but you all need a dose of reality and real world. You're both lying to each other and to yourselves BIG TIME. Time to wake up and smell the coffee.

Answer 6

DUMP HIM! sooo many guys that are better than him. It seems like he's just using you. If it has been 2 years and he isn't doing anything you two may go on for another 2 years and it'll just keep adding up. Dont wait for him to find another girl and say to you, "since we didn't have a relationship..." you need to find a guy that wants a true relationship w/ you...

Answer 7

I can see where you would be confused, because as you say you are living as boyfriend and girlfriend. But he doesn't want to say that he is a boyfriend. When he doesn't commit to you it sounds like he is just coming around to have the sex and free to do what ever he wants if and when he wants to. You can say to him that at the beginning that arrangement was okay, but your feelings for him have changed and you want more of a commitment from him. Unless your afraid of loosing him all together,which it sounds like you do have that fear.

Answer 8

Well you two need to sit and talk and figure out what you are. Boyfriend/girlfriend, sex partners or whatever. It should like he might not want to make a commitment because then he can't see other people. Maybe not. You need to really talk about this because he could be wasting your time.

Answer 9

It really sounds about that you are in a relationship, but this guy is afraid i wood talk about him because you love each other and it doesn't make any sense you got to step up if he wants love he got to take a risk it is always like that fore everybody.
Hope it helps.

Answer 10

well if u are not comfertable with him there and not in a relationship with him then you should ask him wat is the deal . i have an aunt with the same problems. he just doesnet want to get serious. i would try dating someone else and see how he reacts to it. if he is in boyfriend mode then you need to talk to him if not then you will know the truth.