A friend needs some help....(no haters PLEASE!!)?

Question

Okay. I have this friend who is practically on the verge of suicide. A little over 5 months ago, he was raped by a guy outside a night-club at about 2am. My friend is married and has three kids. He never told his wife about the incident, just me and another close friend. He tried to call a rape crisis line at the time and thier response was "are you kidding?". He tried to call hotlines to see about getting tested or treatement for possible exposure to HIV. Nothing, since it was an "uknown".
Now, for the horrible part. It turns out, he (my friend), is in fact HIV positive. He says he has only had sex with his wife like 4 times in the last 5 months, and never ejaculated because he "just couldn't do it". He feels like his manhood has been stripped away, and so abviously needs some counseling and such in this regard, but this one, with winding up HIV positive is a doosy. He knows he needs to (HAS to) tell his wife, but wants to wait until after thier sons birthday pary

Thier son turns two in a couple weeks, and he wants to waint until after that. He never went to the police, because he felt embarrassed, and that nobody would take him seriously and did not know how to face his wife. He doesn't think he can get the words out, but has said he can write a letter, and wants me to be there with him for support when he gives it to his wife. He is afraid his wife will leave him after he gives her the news, and has even brought over some clothes to my house just in case, but is also talking like some days he doesn't want to live with this. What, if any, advice could you give to my friend??

My friend gets raped, and HE is and ***?? How could someone say that. Yes, I am pretty sure he got raped, some people came outside the culb and found him being beaten by this man, and the man ran off. I came to pick him up later. Yeah, he made a mistake by not telling his wife immediatly, but can you blame him??? Seriously. Many MEN would not tell their wives if they got raped by a man. He has already felt like his manhood was taken away.

Please, PLEASE don't answer if you don't believe the question. Please. You are not helping.
Of course one guy can get raped by one other guy! No doubts about that.
Men who got raped face a lot of unbelieve. This is making it only worse, and their feelings of guilt and shame only bigger.
It's very understandable that he doesn't dare to tell his wife.

Answer 1

This is a horrible story you are telling. I can imagine that your friend is not comfortable in telling other people about it. Looking for the reactions here only proves why.
Of course one guy can get raped by one other guy! No doubts about that.
Men who got raped face a lot of unbelieve. This is making it only worse, and their feelings of guilt and shame only bigger.
It's very understandable that he doesn't dare to tell his wife. But, understandable or not, he should tell her sooner or later. Preferably sooner of course!
That he knows now that he is HIV positive should also be on the table. There should be no risk for his wife, but also he deserves to be supported by his loved ones. He can't deal with this alone, he will have to go through all kind of medical things as well.

It's very good of you to support him through all of this. Stimulate him to tell about what happened to his wife, and to tell about the HIV. She has the right to know!
Maybe you can search on the internet for support groups for male rape victims. I am sure he is not the only one. Their support might help him, and his wife to understand the impact on him.

I wish you and him and his family all the strength.


Added: One little question, why do you literally copy what I write...? Are you making me a compliment or is this just a bit weird.....?

Answer 2

OK...here we go..your friend didn't ask, but here is an answer.
1) Go to doctor immediately..there are treatments that reduce the viral load to zero, extend life 20-30 years, so he can expect a relatively normal life.
2) Go to a councilor with his wife..immediately. This all needs to be on the table...and she needs to be tested immediately.
3) the story sounds very fishy. ONE guy would have one hell of a time raping another guy. AND...there is NO rape center that would say, "are you kidding." That is the really fishy part of this story.
4) Your friend may or may not have contracted HIV from this encounter, but I will tell you the odds are highly unlikely....as in 1 in 50 chance if he were raped anally. IF it was oral, NO WAY JOSE! I find it highly unlikely that anyone could be raped "outside a club" ... That is one busy place to be raped and not be noticed by others.
5) so many things just do not add up here that I think YOU are pulling my leg, or your friend is looking for a way out of a very nasty situation. Sorry, but .... if it doesn't work, it just doesn't work. IF you had said a gang of guys, sure..possible. But ONE guy...I don't think so. And what was he doing at this 'club' in the first place....too much of the story makes no sense. I wouldn't have called the police either with this story.
6) IF your friend is sticking with this story, he has a great imagination, has been on the down low, and is paying the price. Good grief, neither you nor I were born yesterday. Sorry to be so cold, but I gave you advice, and then I gave you my opinion...you need to open your eyes a little to see the preposterousness of the situation. Good luck
PS...I have to add, that on the whole, this story is written to give Gays a black eye. It just did not happen this way, I can assure you of that, your friend is really creating a bad situation and should just come clean about himself. Gays do NOT go around looking to rape anyone...we have had enough of that from others to NOT do it to others. Give me a break.

Answer 3

It is a sad story, but I have my doubts that it is true. First off, the chances of being infected with HIV on one quick rape experience is slim. Secondly, what was he doing there? Sounds like he was out looking for sex, and I'll bet that it was a habit with him. And why would she throw him out immediately? Because she knows he has a past history of gay sex....that's my guess.

I'm usually a pretty charitable guy, giving most people the benefit of the doubt, but this story is just too much.

Answer 4

Your friend certainly has been through a lot. I would tell him to get help/counseling right away. I would also tell him to get in touch with that crisis line and demand to speak with the supervisor, and file an official complaint. (There might be an opportunity for a lawsuit there, tell him to talk to a lawyer.)

Though your friend would like to have you there when he tells his wife, it might make for a very sticky situation. The wife may have a hard time buying his story, and if you're there, she might begin to suspect other things about her husband. She will probably feel betrayed and/or disillusioned. Though your friend is going through a lot, you have to realize this all this information will also be a shock to her, and you cannot blame her for her reaction, whatever that reaction may be.

As I said before, I would suggest you tell your friend to get counseling immediately, and encourage him to speak to his wife about the situation, perhaps with the counselor present rather than you.

Good luck, and my best wishes to your friend.

Answer 5

It is sad just to read this, and I dont know how hard would it be to be a victim of it.
But would suicide solve everything? Hopefully not.
I have to agree that it would be best to wait until his son birthday because it would at least leave some good memory to him.
Hopefully, he will be able to cope with the fact that he is now HIV positive... But conunseling is definitely needed. He needs to overcome the fear of the incidence, or else, he may never be able to have sex again.

Answer 6

Ok. I am not writing this as " Clueless Clara". First off, before he does anything else, he needs to tell his wife. Right now. The longer he waits, the worse it is going to be. She is going to be upset already that he did not go to her sooner. You, as a friend need to go with him when he talks with her for support. And then the whole family needs to go to counseling. It really does not depend on what he does, or what anyone does now. It is up to the wife if she is going to stay with him or not. But, you can be there to give him emotional support.

Answer 7

Actually going to a local HIV care group could be of great help to him, not to mention possible lawsuits against those so called crisis lines.
I'd say in all honesty that you really need to call in professionals on this and simply be there for your friend.

Answer 8

I was so saddened to read this. That is one of the most terrible things I've ever heard of. How awful. I can only say how sorry I am for him and his family. Sexual violence against any person is wrong, and it really messes you up. I can only wish your friend the best and hope that he can heal his inner wounds and cope with being HIV+.
P.S. Do you really think it is the right thing for him to stay with you, your being gay and all? Would that make him feel worse in some ways or make it awkward?

Answer 9

Hmmm, anyone can be tested for AIDS. What was the unknown? The person who raped him? Knowing or not knowing your partners is a mute point. He can still get tested. I don't know where he lives or who he called but that doesn't sound right to me. And to call a rape crises hot line and not be believed? Again that seems strange to me. I am sorry, but something about you story just doesn't ring true. If it is true I am sorry, he needs to keep trying to get help.....

Answer 10

well, this is something the entire family has to deal with,he definitly has to get some type of therapy, whoever answered the phone at the rape crisis center should be fired, telling the wife will be really hard but he has to, she needs to be tested as well i feel awful and for once i have no real advise, your friend and his family will be in my thoughts and prayers