Why does it hurt so mucH?

Question

I found out five months ago my husband was having an affair. We were having problems in our 10 yr marriage - ones that I believe could be fixed with communication and counseling. When I found out about the affair I filed for divorce and it was final in 3 months. Probably some kind of record. Now I am focusing on getting our son through this mess. I am a woman who believes adultery is wrong and the worst thing you can do to someone. I believe in marriage vows. So why does this hurt so much? He is a lying, deceptive pig. Why is it taking so long for my heart to catch up with my mind??

Answer 1

You have gone through A LOT in a short period of time. So be kind to yourself, be good to YOU! And of course, it sounds like you already are, to your son. It hurts so much because you have loved and probably though you speak differently(about lying, deceptive pig)about him, you still love him. You have been together for over 10 years right? Give yourself at least one month for each year you have been married, to get yourself, your mind, your thoughts, YOUR life together, time does heal wounds but in the meantime, take it a day at a time. My heart goes out to you but I think you are more than just a survivor, you are stronger than you may even think! Take care of you and your son, get together with people who make you feel good, have as much goodness and positiveness surround you. For in time, you will find out that you will be heading in a new direction, but don't jump into anything too fast. Best of everything, you can do it!

Answer 2

Because you jumped too quickly to dissolve a very large part of your life. The sense of loss is equal to the amount you put into the relationship, 10 years of effort experienced as loss in just months. Talk with Clergy you respect if you are religious or a counselor if you aren't.

85 percent of women say they expect their spouse to not cheat. But up to 80 percent of those men will cheat. This gap between expectation and performance creates a situation in which too many marriages break up under the exposure of the infidelity. Of those people who divorce because of adultery, 80 percent of both adulterers and spouses say they regret the divorce. In other words, most people would be much better off continuing a marriage than ending it because of adultery.

Being unhappy after ending a marriage due to adultery is the norm. Now, you have to get your life back together and counseling, religious or not, will help.

Answer 3

oh sweet heart, I'm right there with you, if my husband ever cheated on me he would also be gone. The reason that it hurts so much is because he throw away your ten years on a piece of @$$. How could he have done that? Answer he is the deceptive pig that you speak of. Your pain will only get better with time and prayer, know that every thing happens for a reason. There is a reason for you to be with out him even if you can't see it now. Your pain is so strong because in your heart the love was true and the betrayle was so unexpected. It would kill me if my husband cheated on me, but if he didn't care about me and our family no more than that then he would have to get to steppin. You made the right choice and soon you will meet someone that deserves you and your child.

Answer 4

I am so sorry. That is a hard blow. It feels like someone has punched you in the stomache. The pain will go away. IT will take a long time to heal though. This is a hard blow to get over. Someone you trusted and trusted you. It was a sacred bond that you thought you both had. That was suddenly broken. It hurts so much, becasue you feel helpless, and angry, and sad. And if it's not fixable it's even harder. You've planned your life with him. He has disrupted and shattered all your (and your children's) future dreams that he would be in. That is why I would never date a married man in my youth, becasue I wouldn't want someone doing it to me. It's a shame not all women think that way. I notice some women are more attracted to married men for some reason. Your heart will catch up. You just need to let a lot of crying out and screem REALLY loud once in a while. (I've done that in my pillow, it really feels good). You need to release the pain. But it is a process. Don't try to get over it too fast, or you may just bottle it up and explode later. Don't hide your feelings from your kids either. That was my mistake. I always wanted to protect my oldest from my pain. But now she bottles up and won't open up until there is an extreme situation. I found out through councseling that I needed to show her that I was human and will get upset when someone hurts me. Which I didn't. I was good at not talking bad about her dad in front of her. But I also, didn't show any emotion in front of her. Sorry so lengthy. But I've felt that nausea, that pain in your heart and stomache...like someone kicked you. ANd I wanted to share with you, that it will get better. For some strange reason, after all the crying and depressing days I went through. It was like a cleansing experience for me. I felt empowered when it was just me and my daughter. Like I took my life back from him. See that was his part of control that they have. They had our hearts. But when I got over it 8 months later. I felt my heart was my own and my mind was my own. Hope it helps. There is a light at the end of this dark tunnel.

Answer 5

It hurt I know I am going through the same thing. I wish our hearts and mind worked together as one. I feel like my heart is pullilng me one way and my mind the other. When you start to date again you will start to forget about him. Finding someone new always puts the the ex to rest and has you focusing on something new and exciting (after your son understands that you both love him and are doing what is best for you).

Answer 6

ouch!! GIANT hugs going out to you! It is likely so painful because of the many years & bond you had with him. I'm sure you feel very betrayed & like you wasted valuable time. I know that is the way I felt anyway (after 6).

Have you gotten into any counseling? or a support group? That can be VERY helpful!

I know you probably would like for people to tell you, you'll be better soon...but I will be real. It's GOING TO hurt for some time. Just KNOW that it is not your fault & you DO DESERVE BETTER!

TRY your best to foucus on the future & not look back.

Answer 7

I feel you! I'm going through the same thing. I'm in the process of getting my divorce paper finalized. It's hurting because we've been married to our husbands for so long that every time we try to forget we can't because of what the relationship was before. Plus, we have kids with them. We see the other half in their eyes and that's why it hurts so much to forget. Don't worry it'll take a long time for you to forget. Just focus on what's important. Your son. Well, I wish you peace and comfort.

Answer 8

Sweetie,you are not alone! I was married for 7 years and he cheated on me with my best friend! It still hurts. deception like that will probably last a lifetime! I am so sorry this happened to you but you are doing the right thing by focusing on your child,kids need help through this hard time. you also need to be kind to yourself!

Answer 9

Because you really loved this man.
It takes time for a heart to heal when you have given so much in a relationship and have been married for so long.
You feel as though you gave him all you could give and what did he go and do? He turned around, lied and deceived you.
You were married to him for 10 years. I know letting go is hard, although you know he hurt you in many ways, but it is hard moving on when you were so in love.
It could take you years to fully recover this broken heart from your relationship.. I can honestly say it takes time. You have to learn to go out and fun, occupy yourself, and eventually this man will no longer be in your heart or on your mind at that.

Answer 10

i'm not a professional to give you right answer but just an opinion that i can share.... it hurts so much because you did not cause the break-up, and that means you still have feelings for him. it takes time for love to fade esp when you believe in lifelong marrige vows. secondly, it was your pride too that was bruised as he cheated on you...like saying he fell for someone else when he is supposed to be in love with you. time will heal all wounds. you did the right thing.... a pig will always be a pig!!! goodluck and all the best!!!