My 31/2 yr old is terrified of potty training, what can I do?

Question

My daughter is 31/2 and refuses to wear anything other than nappies. She screams if I take her nappy off and then holds herself and panics. She gets almost hysterical and I give in and put her nappy back on because I cant bear to see her so upset. She wont sit on the potty and tells me she is frightened of it. She wont use the toilet so we brought another potty but that has helped, she wont go on that on either. My other daughter is 18 months old and I started to try to potty train her in the hope that it will show my oldest there is nothing to worry about. But whenever my youngest is on the potty or in pants my eldest freaks out and starts panicing. I dont want her fears passed to my youngest. What should I do?

Answer 1

First off, don't listen to the rude people who are attacking your parenting skills. 3 1/2 is not really all that old. I've had friends all over the potty training spectrum...those that forced the issue way too young, and those who let their children learn when they were ready. A couple different friends of mine had similar problems with their girls. In both cases the girls potty trained after turning 5. The girls were happier because they got the loving attention they wanted, and the parents didn't have to worry about a fight. Your daughter is only a baby once. Keep her in diapers, and forget about potty training either one of your girls. Let the older one let you know when she's ready, or try to push her when she turns 5. I'm not at the potty training stage yet, but have you wondered why baby diapers come in such huge sizes. A friend was telling me that a size 6 diaper easily fits a child of 50 pounds. Pull-ups and such can even be a few pounds higher. Something tells me you're not the only one, with this issue. You sound like a reasonable and good parent. Good luck!

Answer 2

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Answer 3

Let your oldest wait for a bit and try to work on your youngest. Your youngest daughter will not be fearful if you close the door and keep your oldest daughter out. When your 31/2 year old learns that her little sister no longer wears nappies, she may have a large incentive to learn to go in the potty. It is not productive at this time to force her to be potty trained. Let things go for 3-6 months and try again. It will not be the end of the world if she waits a while. Finally, if she does not get over this fear by the time she is 4, I would take her to a doctor and get her checked out (or you may want a professional opinion right now to make you feel better).

Answer 4

I agree with the woman who said back off on the older one completely.

We bought the "Once upon a Potty" video and book and sort of stayed out of it.

I promise she won't go to college in diapers. Potty fears are incredibly common and often a part of being a toddler. Please don't worry.

These people writing in acting like you're a bad parent or like she has psych issues should get a clue. They should see how they would feel if someone treated them the way they are telling you to treat a little tiny kid for heaven's sake.

My son went through something very similiar. He is almost 14 now and goes to the toilet just fine, thank you. When he was ready, he just did it. My attempts to control, and push delayed him instead of helping him. I went and researched and got the video and completely changed my whole approach. He came around just fine. When he did potty train, he just did it. I had everything available to him. I even had the little singing potty chair in the living room. It was clean of course. He could play with it, sit on it, etc without anyone pushing him or making a big deal. It worked. Kids don't have a whole lot they are in control of. You sure don't want to give them the idea that battles over toileting are the place to draw the line in the sand. She'll be fine, promise.

There are so many excellent sites that discuss potty fears and great ways to handle potty training that I wouldn't even bother with people on here. I got mad at some of the things that were written.

Answer 5

OMG well you can't be too forceful or it will make her more fearful of the potty! But she is 3 1/2. One month before my son turned 3 he was not even close to being potty trained so i was freakin out. He had to be potty trained to go to preschool. This is what I did:

I took his pull ups away! From morning till night only underware that he picked out.(nightime we do pull ups)
The first day was horrible cause he screamed and screamed for the pull ups but I was like no only underware all day.
I also put a timer on for potty time. 1 time every hour and sometimes less if he hadn't gone for a while.
If he wet himself we simply went to the potty and he had to sit at least for a short time and I explained to him we don't potty in our underware. I did this everytime without getting mad.
Once they feel wetness they don't like it especially girls. Those diapers and pull up absorb everything! My son did not care about wetting them.
We also started a sticker chart when he started going more in the potty and this helped alot.
By 3 he was pretty much trained as far as pee. We are still working on #2 but he is doing alot better!! Of course he still has accident here and there.

I'd say take the diapers away she will rebel but thats the probelem are those diapers. Many other moms did this and it works. This was the best advice I got!

Answer 6

Okay. My daughter just turned 1, so she's not at the potty thing yet. However, My brother who is also 3 REFUSES to sit on the potty. My mom has called his pediatrician a few times about it, because she was worried about him. The pediatrician said NOT to push it. If you keep pushing them to sit on the potty, ESPECIALLY if the child is afraid, you will only prolong the process. The more the child feels pressured, the more "rebelious" about the potty the child will become, and the fear will only grow. The dr also told my mother to buy different childrens books about potty-training, and kid-friendly DVDs. The child will tell you when she's ready. For now, keep working on your younger child, and for the time being do not include your oldest when the youngest is on the potty, since it makes her upset. As much as people tell you otherwise, your child WILL be out of diapers before kindergarten. Just be patient.

Answer 7

I'm wondering if your elder daughter is hanging onto the nappies because it gets little sister so much attention? From their respective ages, it appears you probably started potty training big sister just about the time that little sister came along. That would make it kind of a "double whammy" - she loses attention (of necessity, of course!) because you have to pay attention to the little one, and she loses one of the things that DID get her some attention - namely soiled nappies. I'm not saying she is doing this consciously, by any means - but it's an interesting piece of timing. That being said, I'm not sure what I can say except possibly to somehow make more time with your elder daughter; I know it's not easy given the hectic pace that we all seem to have to deal with, but maybe this idea is a start. I think it's not a bad idea to also get some counseling for the family on this issue - it's got to be a strain to everybody concerned, and an impartial "outsider" might be able to help. Good luck!

Answer 8

My 3 1/2 year old is the same way. But he has abusive attacks. When we tried potty training he would sit there and throw himself into the wall, and hit his head, scream and kick at me. I told his doctor about it, and he told me to stop potty training until its his idea. My 18 month old is going to be potty trained before my oldest. :( I have tried everything with him. Your best bet is probably stopping, and let her decide to do it on her own. Maybe after the youngest is potty trained the oldest will see that it isn't so bad. That's what I'm hoping with my two boys. Good Luck Honey!! If you find something that works for your daughter let me know, and maybe it will work for my son also. :):)

Answer 9

I would say that first of all, this is a tough situation. Honestly, good luck. The only advice i could give is, for one thing, if it's anything with in your belief system, try going potty yourself with her in your company. That sounds a little awkward, but kids learn by example and she needs to see you are safe, and she would be too. The other thing is just letting her realize the natural consequences of not being potty trained. Start referring to when she's old enough for school, that she can't go unless she can use the toilet. Also, she is old enough to be able to do many things for herself. Not as a threat or punishment, but just approached as reality, i would suggest telling her she is going to be expected to change herself when she has a messy diaper. She ought to go to the bathroom to do it, and always be calmly willing to help, but at this age, that sort of stuff just needs to be conveyed as her responsibility, whether she chooses to take care of it using the toilet, or changing her diaper. Also, if she really is paniced about anything, i would definately suggest a conversation about why, and not during anything potty related. Just during your day. That is kind of worrisome, and you maybe should consider talking to a doctor. Good Luck!

Answer 10

I have two girls that are now 14 & 15. My oldest would only wear pretty lacy panties, but my youngest was scared two, what I did was sit with her on the potty to show her it was not going to hurt her. I took a few times but she got the idea, also take her around other girls her age that are training and let her see them do it, encorage her and give her a reward when she does go, like a trip to the park, don't buy her nothing cause she will always expect it even after the dipers are gone. GOOD LUCK!!