We have been engaged for 1 year and still no date. We just bought a house together, so thats the focus now. Obviously, I would like to set a date and he just wont. His reasons are the YARD on the new house, him finishing the CPA exam, and money. We were thinking about next Sept, but he says he's not sure about whehter he will be done with everything by then. I am super hurt by this. I understand he needs to pass the CPA exam, but I also think that if he wants to marry me that should be more important. Plus, its not like we're planning on having a crazy wedding, we're just going to go to Mexico. We're talking about 1 week. I was dumb enough to sign up for The Knot and stuff so I'm constantly sent emails for planning that just depress me. Not to mention the fact that everyone always asks when and why.... And yes, he knows I want to set a date, he says he wants to too but has other stuff to deal with first. Its making us fight, and I think i'm starting to resent him because of it.
2006-09-09 10:01:37 · 20 answers · asked by j 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
I sort of think I want to tell him to just re propose when he really wants to get married. I dont feel engaged. This should be a fun happy thing, this lack of enthusiasm has suckked the excitement out of it. Even if we set a date now, I'm going to feel like it was just me wanting to set it, not him.
2006-09-09 10:07:26 · update #1
We already are in the house... We've lived together for over 2 years though.
Other than arguing, which ironically is almost always over the wedding thing, we have a great relationship. He says hes not afraid of commitment and we can get married tomorrow, but I think hes just calling my bluff. Maybe I should say sure lets do the courthouse thing and then decide whether to stay or go based on his reaction. :( He's dumb, I love him more than anyone else will.
2006-09-09 10:11:14 · update #2
The wedding should have come first. Just go to the courthouse and make it legal. If he refuses, you know that he will probably never make that commitment. Refuse to move into the house and tell him you will make him sell it and get your investment back. This looks like a bad deal for you. Never, ever, put money into a house with someone you're not married to.
2006-09-09 10:05:29 · answer #1 · answered by notyou311 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I would be careful about saying "He is Dumb, and nobody else would Love him the way you do", that may backfire on you.
I like the idea about telling him to re-propose to you when he gets serious about it.
Everyone enjoys a good chase sometimes, if you love this guy, give him the benefit of the doubt, you could either wait until next Sept, let him get over the exam and the yard....and then think about going across the border, or..you could call his bluff, call the courthouse, schedule the blood test, and have the Mayor marry you in his office, and then have a wedding later, and honeymoon in Mexico.
The worse thing you could do is fight over this, if you are fighting over decisions now, what kind of marriage are you going to have later on.
Have fun with the planning in the meantime, and don't tell other people about the when and why, your personal issues are between you and him, besides someone else could come along, and not find him so Dumb.
2006-09-13 04:31:52 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ask him what does the yard and him passing the CPA exam has to do with you all getting married especially if you all plan to have a small wedding. Does he really wants to get married or just live in cohabitation? If you all plan to have a wedding then I can understand the money (if money is a problem for you all). Honestly,if I were in your shoes, I wouldn't say anything else about the wedding until he finishes his CPA exam. After the exam, start talking more about the wedding and the dates and do not accept any more crazy excuses from him. Normally, I am not for ultimatums but since you all have invested in such a large purchase together then why not get married.
2006-09-09 21:57:08 · answer #3 · answered by Who me? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hi, I just got engaged and we are thinking of at least a two year engagement.
I think its great that you guys purchased a house first and that he's interested enough in providing a SECURE future for you two.
A house and his career are major in a happy future. Now, I know you are hurt and betrayed and you just feel he just doesn't care or understand how important marriage is for you, but if you pressure him he will just either give in without actually wanting to or simply end things.
Arguing is not good, how about stop putting blame and one day just sit down and bring in a copuple of calendars and talk about your future as a couple. Marriage is NOT all about the wedding, its about what lies ahead of the wedding.
If you are literally just going to "elope" it can wait, its not like you're planning a massive wedding.
I too think you need to have couples counseling because if you cannot talk now that you're not married think late rin life when even MORE important decisions come to terms?
I know its probably not the answer you want but its the most honest answer I can give you.
2006-09-10 20:01:48 · answer #4 · answered by jeniel17 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think he is stalling because he has cold feet. I think he may be scared to tell you he doesn't want to do it or he just proposed because there would be some kind of committment there...
I think you need to give him an ultimateum. Tell him you understand he needs to work hard for his CPA test but he can't ignore you while doing it. If he wants you as much as he wants to be a CPA then he will jump thru a hoop for you. If he doesn't set a date, he obviously doesn't want it enough.
It might hurt, but wouldn't you rather find out now than 5 years into it and have to get a divorce? Find someone who does want to marry you and will put you before anything else.
2006-09-09 21:31:38 · answer #5 · answered by sour_apple 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think you should do what you said about the re-engagement thing. You just have to be prepared to #1 stick with it if the bluff does not work in your favor, and #2 you can't be scared of the bluff not going you way because this may go on for another 2 or 3 years, and are you ok with that. Good Luck.
2006-09-09 22:20:18 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
He's apparently ready for commitment since he bought a house with you. He sounds like the type of person that needs to have each step completed before moving on to the next one. The CPA exam is a big deal, seeing as how it will help support your future marriage. I wouldn't give a deadline. By proposing he told you that he wants you to be the person he spends the rest of his life with; it doesn't mean that the rest of your life has to start in Sept.
2006-09-09 21:35:01 · answer #7 · answered by Pink Denial 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would be hurt, too. It's fair for you to set a deadline. I think it's completely reasonable to expect to be married by the two year anniversary of your engagement date. You deserve it!
Tell him. Tell him what you want. Give him a deadline and be ready to walk if he doesn't meet it. My cousin walked when her fiance didn't marry her within two years.
Give him the deadline, have a plan for sticking with it, and take confort in the fact that you have just as much control over what happens in your relationship as he does. That will help you fight about it less.
I have a similar problem with my husband about having kids. He doesn't want them and I do and I've made up my mind that I might have to leave him if we don't start trying by the time I am 32. I don't talk about it, we don't fight about it, but he knows what I want..
2006-09-09 22:57:28 · answer #8 · answered by carobygirl 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If this guy has second thoughts about marriage, or something else, I'd sure like to know about it. I would definately get him to set a date if he is really interested in getting married. A one year engagement is long enough. Some guys like the living arrangement that couple share, but they don't want the responsibilities, or commitment of marriage. Find out if he is one of these clods. There are plenbty of them out there. Good luck to you.
2006-09-09 17:08:25 · answer #9 · answered by WC 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He's stalling because he's not ready to get married. If you really want to marry him, tell him what date you want to get married and she what happens. If he keeps giving you excuses, then you need to have him buy you out of the house and move on. After a year of being engaged you should have picked a date by now.
2006-09-09 17:06:45 · answer #10 · answered by lady01love 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋