My mum has said she hasnt got a daughter anymore?

Question

I left 4 years ago to live a better life with my husband and my children, but she didnt like this, and couldnt accept that she was so many miles away from her grand children (700) miles to be exact. But, she is telling everybody that she only has a son, (my brother total wast of space) and she does no longer have a daughter. She was told by me she could visit anytime she liked to see us all, as she is my mum after all, but this woman is proving herself to be very against me now and the other 3 gandchildren she has left. I say this as my eldest daughter last year turned 15 she rang her and encouraged her to live with her, as she did, and now she wants to come back home becouse she knows what her nan is really like. I dont want her to try and entice my other 3 children to go and live with her, i love my children all very very much. Why is she being like this, all we wanted to do and all we have done is to better all of our lives, is she jelouse? Please help, i can answer more on my e-mai

Answer 1

I suspect your mum is possibly has a controlling personality?? If thats true then my guess is she's feeling a loss of control because you have moved some distance from her which negates the possibility of her exerting her influence over you, your marriage and your children. My email is listed in my profile if you would like to exchange more.

Answer 2

I say give Your Mum a break maybe she was Heart Broken when You left to be with Your Husband.Maybe U should break the ice & go vist her after all she is your mother.A vist every now & then won't Kill U especially for Your Kids 2 See Their Grandma.You live 700 miles away from her maybe she doesn't have transportation & you can go see her maybe that will help things if your brother is a lost cause then maybe you should step in 2 see how your mother is doing.It's a Sad situation I'm going thru the same thing with my mother she's up in age not doing well I just take one day at a time & forget the mean things that were said after all one never knows what tomorrow brings.Change your way of thinking but don't let her know maybe you'll get along better I know this is working for me.Good Luck

Answer 3

The only bit of advice I will give you is to cut all contact between her and your children. IF she stops behaving in the manner she is at the minute then tell her she can talk to them however until she does then you are going to have to do what is best for your children and cut all contact as it is not healthy for them to be stuck in the middle of a situation like this.

You need to stop this now before it gets out of control and things are done that can never be undone. At the end of the day you are responsible for the welfare of your children both mentally and physically and she is putting a strain on at least one of these.

It is hard cause she is your mother however it is your live and you need to do what is best for you and your children. You need to get your oldest daughter away from her asap. She may have gone to live with the woman put at least she is mature enough to admit she was wrong and knows that it is not a place to be living.

Hope you can sort it out in a way that is OK with everyone involved, however if this is not possible then just do what is right for you and your family, not to be cold but she is telling everyone that you are no longer a part of hers so for a while make her a non member of yours.

hope it helps, even a bit

Answer 4

Ideally people would learn as they got older, and all people of 50 would be wise, wonderful, and very nice people. Unfortunately they don't. Whilst it is very hard to be told that your mother 'has no daughter', just remember your primary role is no longer as her daughter, you are first and foremost a mother now.

Focus on the relationships with your kids first, make sure you do the best you can for them, trying not to make the mistakes your mother may havemade. I am surprised that you had your eldest daughter go to 'live with her'. But i am sure this is a story with many more personal details.
From the insight you have given it sounds that your mother has the problem, but family relaitonships are rarely that simple. Your mother probably has a whole different take, and your 'waste of space' another.

Four kids is quite a handful, concentrate on those, leave the lines of communication open for your mother (i.e. send xmas cards and forwarding addresses) but don't worry about it too much.
(I realise this is probably easier for a guy to say...sorry)

Answer 5

Total loss of love for anyone but herself, that is what she has. She is jealous and cruel. Although, she is your mum I would let her know how it is in your life. If she gets angry and tries to mislead anymore of your children, I would get your daughter that is residing with her now, back in your home, and just not talk to her until she can act like a grown up and be an adult about things. Now just a warning, she may try and use the law against you. Grandparents have rights too, she might say that you are a bad mother but she would have to prove this before she would or could be granted custody of your children.

Good Luck!

Answer 6

Don't know how to answer that paula,except that as people get older they change somewhat,and at times these changes are hard to take for some people,especially other family members.All i can say is that you will always be her daughter no matter what-you are genetically entwined forever-your brother the same(regardless of the waste of space!)She maybe lonely and this is her way of showing it-you HAVE done well to make a better life for you and your children,so perhaps she is a little jealous of your success,or maybe it is something you haven't touched upon with her?I hope it all turns out ok for you all in the end though:-)

Answer 7

I'm no shrink but it sounds to me like your mum wasn't ready for you to fly the nest if your brother is such a waste of space maybe she feels like she really has no daughter.You made the right choice it good you choose to live your life but i think she prob never wanted you to leave and that why she wants your daughter to live a some means of a continuation or second Chance at nurturing and caring for some else I sure she still adore you your her daughter If your daughter did some that inadvertently hurt you'd never stop loving so trust your maternal instinct is the same for mum.She might just feel alone and need you to push the walls she's prob put up to keep you out and keep put any hurt.Something can't hurt you if its not there.I say you need to pay her a visit just the two of you and really talk let her no you still need her even if you feel you don't it what she needs to her
Hope I helped
Orlaigh

Answer 8

Unfortunately I can't see how you can resolve this situation. The final move has to come from her.

Presumably she sees your move as selfish because it deprives her of of contact with her grandchildren. She has lost control and seems reluctant to admit that you have grown up.

When you moved you did so because you thought it was best for your family? Right or wrong you had the correct motives. Parents have to allow children to lead their own lives and, sometimes watch while they make mistakes.

I do not have an answer but I would ask you to please keep the lines of communication open. She may eventually understand and accept your decision. Don't expect an apology. Just accept her back into your fold as though nothing had happened.

If you want to let off steam about the situation by e-mail feel free to do so.

Answer 9

You have a right to live wherever it pleases you and your family. Of course, the fact that your Mom can't see her grandchildren is a total downer for her. I can understand why she didn't want you to leave. However, it doesn't mean that she should disown you. That's terrible. Try to make amends by calling her and try to reason with her. Tell her how much you love and miss her and how much it hurts you to hear that she has disowned you. Perhaps you might change her mind. Remember you can't catch a fly with vinegar, (sour words); you catch it with honey (beautiful and endearing words). I don't believe that it's possible for a mother to be jealous of her own daughter. I think she was just very upset because you didn't take her advice not to move so far away. Good luck, honey.

Answer 10

Your mother may have a mental disorder. I do not say this to be mean, only to encourage some type of family counseling as her behavior is extremely unusual. She seems to swing between being overly attached to being completely distant. Ask her to go to counseling if she refuses what was a family problem becomes her problem which she has to deal with alone.

In no way should you allow your children around her unsupervised. She has damaged you emotionally and may already have damaged your older child.

I really hope things work out for you and your family.

Answer 11

Girl, she's doing this because she has no control anymore. She wants to control you even though you're married with kids, and if she can't do that...she'll try to control your kids. I know this is hard, but she made this bed and she has to sleep in it. If she wants to rob herself of having a daughter, that's not your fault. You can't give up your adulthood because she can't give up her need to control.

Your eldest daughter will come home and tell the other kids what it was like. I don't think they'll want to move in with her after that...but you also need to tell your mother that you love her, but you refuse to play her game. She HAD her time as a wife and mother. It's your turn now, and she isn't allowed to take that from you.