Please tell me what you think of the begining. Is it too formal and chessy. I am writing about my experience as a student ambassador traveling for the first time. I thought about introducing a quote instead, but idk.
“10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, mission complete, Vanuatu Bula Vinaka Fiji!” I awoke from a deep trance or some sort of awkward fixation as my delegates started a countdown and the raspy voice of the pilot sounded throughout the plane. Then reality slapped me in the face, I was 12,000 miles away from home, miles away from everything I knew, but there was no turning back. On June 14, 2005, my life changed for the better. I boarded a plane in Philadelphia that would take me from my beloved home in rural Maryland to Nadi, Fiji. ....................................................................
2006-09-09 09:02:21 · 8 answers · asked by Latoya G 3 in Education & Reference ➔ Other - Education
pretty good start there...but i really suggest a different approach.
gah! writing a college essay is about letting the admissions people get to know YOU. i mean, they already know about your academics, your extracurriculars, everything else. an essay is a chance for people to know who you are as a PERSON. and often times people will choose the girl who wrote a good paper about her weekend over the girl who saved bunnies in argentina. there are thousands of papers out there about volunteering and life-changing experiences. admissions gets tired of things like that. everyone's trying to prove that they can be a future leader of the world--my goodness, it's tedious and boring. write about who you are as a person...how interesting you are...your originality. make yourself stand out.
2006-09-09 13:45:24 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
i think this intro is vrey catchy and creative. it makes me want to stick around for the rest. but maybe instead of countdown 10 to 1, go either 5 to 1 or less. 10 to 1 has too many numbers. good luck
2006-09-09 16:08:56 · answer #2 · answered by iamtired 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is a great intro. It is audience catchy which is what you want. You have captivated the reader and the reader is now enticed to read on. good job
2006-09-09 16:05:45 · answer #3 · answered by rachel l 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
it sounds more like a story you would write in high school than a college essay
2006-09-09 16:08:37 · answer #4 · answered by batman13 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Good, makes me want to read the rest.
2006-09-09 16:05:06 · answer #5 · answered by julie 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is cheesy with the word beloved, drop that and its fine.
2006-09-09 16:11:14 · answer #6 · answered by Marcus R. 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
What is your major. Boy I think you have more insight than you give yourself. First impress you had-- too cheesy.
2006-09-09 16:08:39 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
that essay will not impress me. do u think the admissions office will like it?
2006-09-09 16:04:28 · answer #8 · answered by askance 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋