Should I worry about this?

Question

My significant other went to Iraq in 2003- 2004 and I was sooo proud of him. We are getting ready to move and last night I was packing some things and I found a note from when he was deployed written by another woman. She eluded in the note that he had sent her an e mail suggesting that they get together in private. He was a Captain at that time and had to be very careful. She basically told him she understood his position about needing to be private. She also told him she was saddened that he was leaving to go home soon, which suggests to me that this happened before he came home. Prior to him going to Iraq, we had been in a committed (or I thought we were) relationship for seven years. Now we are going on nine years and I am pregnant with our first child due in December. I am sick about this as I had no idea. I asked him and he blew it off, saying that it was a joke and that he didn't even remember who she was, even though she signed her name and told me he loves me.

Answer 1

I'm sorry but the fact is, you aren't married so he did nothing wrong.

You see, "committed" relationships are committed till there is no longer a commitment.

That's why people get married...that's committed.

It just bugs me that you expect the benefits of marriage without one.

And motherhood with no marriage.

That is why the "old" way of doing things was the best way.

Now kids have no families, no sets of parents, no men in their lives, no role models. No one to explain as a father to a son, things kids have to know.

I know, but you love each other. Right.

You had better forget about it because it will eat you up if you don't.

decision making time. I feel sorry for you kid. He or she will be the victim if you don't get your head screwed on right!

He loves you. Just not enough.

PS One other thing..the first poster suggested you go to his superiors and try to contact the woman. DON'T do that, That is vicious and vindictive and maybe he does deserve something like that but if you do...then forget about a nice happy committed family down the road...

..all you'll get from that is "single parent time"...maybe you want that but think FOR ONCE of the child and what is best for him/her.

But that poster is right.....should have gotten married......first.

Answer 2

My husband is a Senior Army Officer. Several things worry me about this.

Firstly, it seems that he had this relationship whilst Serving an operational Tour, and therefore that she was also in the Military. If she was in his chain of Command that's a very serious offence and he could have ended up being Court Martialled. If he's prepared to play that game once, what's to say he wouldn't do it again? or hadn't done it before?

Secondly, why aren't you married? Officers are expected to conduct themselves to the highest standard and I find it surprising that he hasn't felt the need to marry someone to he has been attached for many years and with whom he is embarking on parenthood. I am assuming he is now a Major? I am not sure is the same rules apply in your military but in ours, an Officer with a complicated domestic setup would be likely to be nudged towards more conventional arrangements, and may find his career stalled should he continue to flout custom.

Thirdly...My husband has served two Tours of Iraq. Our hearts and minds were glued to each other when he was there. When one half of a couple is in a dangerous situation, that is the time they cling most closely together and I would have found it the most disgusting and unbelievable betrayal if he had seen fit to enter into a relationship with another woman whilst I was keeping the home fires burning and doing my utmost to make his life there bearable. Ergo, whilst YOU were 'sooo proud of him' he wasn't quite so concerned for your feelings.

I would also ask you to consider why he brought the note home, where if it were nothing and he doesn't remember her, why keep it?

I am very sorry to say that I think you should consider your on-going relationship with this man very carefully.

Answer 3

You should be concerned especially if you think he is attractive and if other women agree. There may be a lot of guys in Iraq and a limited amount of women but I can tell you from experience that if you look good you are going to get alot of women. When I was first there in 03-04 I hooked up with 3 women and I was only in country for 45 days. I went back in 05 and 06 as a civilian and it was like every women I ran across that was married had someone keeping her busy at the trailer and the married men are the same way.

Answer 4

To the first person that answered. The only way he would get in any trouble is if that female was in his chain of command. The officer/enlisted fratinization policies aren't as harsh as they were during WWII (although they should be).

As for the note....it's over three years old. While the fact that he may have been messing around is right there.....it's old news. Much has happened since then...even beyond the pregnancy.

Sit down with him (if you want to keep him) and forgive him for whatever it was he did and let him know you are in this relationship for keeps....and you want him to be there for the same goals. If he can't do that...then move on. You will get child support...the military will see to that.

Answer 5

Iamronaldreagan-Has a point. It's not proper for an officer to act so unbecoming-even in his domestic life. If he did commit adultery-I know it hurts, I know you'll always question his intentions, and his were abouts, but you have to think long term as well. Trying to play detective will cause hardship on both of you-and even cause him to lose his rank, his job and money-if you want that baby to have financial benefits than keep your mouth shut! If this situation can not make you forgive him,which you should, but not forget-then leave him-without leaking to others why. Good luck. I know if my man did this-hell, I'd be devastated, but I'd also give him another chance because looks can be deceiving, and although you are certain something happened-you don't know for sure-so don't act on it.

Answer 6

No matter how difficult this may be for you, being that you are pregnant with your first child, I'd put it aside and not nag at your man. It won't get you anywhere but sadness. If he did have an affair, or a one nighter in the past, he's there with you now and you have the rest of your life and your child ahead of you. The more you nag, the unhappier he gets...........and he may decide not to come home one night. Try and put this out of your mind or you'll be crazy with jealously.

Answer 7

No, you shouldn't worry about this. Let it go, and forgive it... but don't quite forget. What I mean is, if you think he may have had an incident in the past, keep your eyes open now. If you have no other evidence or inclination to think he has cheated in the past or will in the future, let it go. If you think there may be something else, you still don't have to worry about "this," but you might want to think about the future and what will happen when you are back together. For now, and especially for your baby's sake (and congrats on the child!), let this incident go... sort of.

Answer 8

That is horrible. You need to get a firm commitment and I'm talking about marriage. It was a mistake to get pregnant without it. He is in a high position and you could ruin his career if you go to his superiors and he knows it. That's why he's acting like it's nothing.
See if you can find and contact this woman. What a mess.

Answer 9

I am sorry about this. You just need to be straight-forward with him. You need to sit down with him and talk it over, and tell him how you are feeling. However, the letter seems to be addressed a few years ago, so this is a little out-dated. Furthermore, dont get too stressed. You dont want to lose the lil' one. Good luck!

Answer 10

that is a hard one
You have to decide what to do . if you decide to forget it and move on than do just that and never mention it again. Or kick his *** to the curb. Only you can decide. Good luck