Anyone who has answered one of my questions before, knows that I have asked quite a few about my stepkids. I have done this because only a few of my friends and family have stepkids, and none are actually raising them, so I have been looking for life experience and advice from other stepparents. However, I have gotten alot of nasty comments, basically making me out to be a wicked stepmom, an intruder into these kids lives, and an uncaring person, none of which is true. I have only given about 25% of the entire story and have been judged very harshly on that small bit. One thing that I have heard from alot of people on here, something that none of my family or friends agree's with, is that step parents should never disapline. Where does that view come from? And if a stepparent has taken on a full time parenting role, grocery shoppings, school clothes, parent teacher meetings, etc, why should they be treated as a maid, and not truely as a parent? They are doing the duties of a parent.
2006-09-09 08:17:13 · 9 answers · asked by LittleMermaid 5 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
My son was 6 when I married my husband. I have always allowed my husband to set punishments and give chores to my son. His own father only see's him every few months, so I felt that he needed a full time father figure in his life. I felt that if my husband was doing the job of a full time father, he deserved to be treated as a full time father. I made it clear to my son that even though this man was not his real dad, that he was an adult, he was working everyday to help support my son and that meant he deserved respect from my son.
2006-09-09 08:21:47 · update #1
There is a common misconception that a woman can only love her own biological children. I don't why either! I truly love my step kids as my own. I am raising mine as well! They were 4 and 6 when i married their dad. They are now 15 and 17. I have had a huge role in their lives. I also hate it when someone tries to diminiish my role in their lives! Even after so long with them; it still happens to me! Don't be disheartened! Keep your chin up, and know you are'nt alone! I'm there too!! Good luck....!
2006-09-10 05:01:27 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
I don't think that point of view works for all step parents. I mean I am the type of woman that could adopt ten kids or stepkids and love them to death. The sad fact is that many step parents are never going to love their step kid the way the natural parent wants them to. Its a tricky situation. If you life as a family for a long time and the step parent is stepping up to the plate and punishment is always within reason, then I think it could be a winning situation. But, if the stepparent is not really in love with that kid, they will never, ever be able to give a punishment in the way that the loving parent can. And of course you have to worry about stepping on the toes of the natural parent who is not around. I think if the relationship is good, and both parents have true love for the child and don't mistreat them, it can really be a great family. Keep in mind that none of us on Answers lives with you and knows everything about your day to day life. Most don't even care and are on here to play. So don't take these answers too seriously. Take the good advice you get, and toss out the bad. Good luck to you and yours. God bless ya.
2006-09-09 08:31:41 · answer #2 · answered by el 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Congrats on trying to level the playing field with your kids. In situations like that, it's only fair for the step-parent to have an authoritative role, it's their house, too, after all.
I personally was raised from infancy by a "step-dad." I call him Dad, I have since I was a child and do to this day. He was more of an authority figure than my mother when I was growing up. His family is my family, and even though my parents have been divorced for almost 15 years, I'm still a part of their family.
When he remarried, however, I wasn't so inclined to adopt his new wife in ANY capacity since I knew she had been the catalyst to my parents' divorce. The hard feelings eventually went away, and I was grieved (not for myself so much as for their own children and him) when she succumbed to cancer this summer. I can't say I loved her, and I never referred to her even as my step-mom (hard to classify the second wife of your step-dad when you're old enough to comprehend fully the situation before you). I eventually *accepted her*, which was hard.
I think that's where kids have trouble, especially when they know both their parents, is that the step-parent isn't mom or dad, why should they listen? And even if the step parent in question wasn't involved directly in the breakup of the marriage, some children will view a step parent as a cause, and they're certainly in the way of the (vain) hope of the parents getting back together.
As for the adults that are criticizing you, up theirs'. If you're doing your best and not wigging out on either of the families (i.e. driving a wedge between your husband/step-daughter and his family by picking a fight with his mom while he's gone and never letting HIS child see her own grandparents), then you deserve the respect that you're working every day to earn. Keep it fair, keep it straight, and things will work out no matter what other people say.
2006-09-09 08:46:58 · answer #3 · answered by desiderio 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
My fiance will be my boys' stepfather. I expect him to act like a parent. We've had our pow wow on discipline and what I think is acceptable and what he thinks is acceptable. We came to a compromise and everything is kosher. If he takes the kids to the park and they start acting like little heathens, then he has every right to discipline them. Their real fathers have nothing to do with them, so I could care less what they think. As long as Gregory isn't abusing my kids then he can be Dad all he wants.
My best friend's dad remarried when she was 14 and had a really hard time with her stepmom because she set down rules. She didn't take my friend's crap. She became involved in the kids' lives. Now at 27 my friend considers her stepmom to be more of a mother than her actual mom. Her younger brother calls her (the stepmom) mom. When my friend found out she was pregnant the second person she called was her stepmom. (I was the first!! She and I found out we were pregnant on the same day.)
So to hell with what others say. I commend you for wanting to step up to the plate and play an active role in these kids' lives. As long as you and their father have a discipline agreement with their mother (if she's in the picture) then you go right ahead and continue being a mom. Good luck! =)
2006-09-09 08:29:51 · answer #4 · answered by jenpeden 4 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Did her father ask step-mom to take her? possibly daughter approached him and, U comprehend adult men, he asked Step mom. possibly daughter felt extra delicate drawing close step-mom approximately this subject remember then U. Do U 2 have an open relationship? possibly there replaced right into a well-being reason chanced on at an identical time as she replaced into there @ scientific medical doctors 4 the pill (I had Ovarian Cysts while i replaced into sixteen & there replaced into various them. document placed me on BC precise there). and pa and step-mom reminded her to tell U and, like maximum youngsters, she 4got! yet what i'm rather irritating approximately right here is the undeniable fact that U point out neither speaking to ur daughter or dad & step-mom approximately this occasion! U straight away prefer to comprehend if there is any criminal recourse 4 U. And that makes me have faith that there is somewhat of jealousy there! Daughter went to step-mom extremely of coming to U approximately this. i think of U ought to talk to all 3 (daughter, dad and step-mom) and get the tale b4 U circulate to criminal action!
2016-11-06 23:55:28 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
i don't know how i missed any of these questions of yours, but the topic you are asking about is one that is very close to my heart. i raised 2 step kids from an early age into adulthood, and went through many trials as well as many successes. i brought my daughter from a previous marriage into a marriage to a man that had 2 kids, aged 4 & 51/2. my daughter was 6. we had an instant blended family that had many ups and downs, but the important thing is that the kids turned out well, are happy and well adjusted, and have families of their own now. my husband and i are still relitively young, just going into our 50's, and we're still alive to talk about the raising of "our" kids (we had no biologicals together.) feel free to write back at me, i've got a history of experiences to share!! meanwhile, best of luck to you!
2006-09-09 08:38:22 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
I congratulate you on your thinking. I don't think step parents should use corporal punishment on kids, but then I don't really think any parent should.
I have seen first hand how my nephew and neice's stepfather has made a positve influence in their lives. He is consistent with his discipline and is also very kind and loving to them. There own father is horrible to them.
Don't worry so much about what other people think. If you and your husband believe in equal parenting to all the children in your household, then great.
2006-09-09 08:26:45 · answer #7 · answered by S. O. 4 · 4⤊ 1⤋
Lotsa experience counseling step parents here and it sounds like you have recieved some good advice do not disapline unless you want life to be hard. They percieve you as an intruder, even if they like you which if you are having problems is not likely. Get yourself a STEP (SYSTEMATIC TRAINING IN EFFECTIVE PARENTING ) Book and read and learn. Make life easy you are in a hard position. You deserve respect but it will take a long time to earn it. Life is not fair, whoever let you believe that did a poor job of parenting and perhaps you ought not to take their advice.
2006-09-09 08:26:13 · answer #8 · answered by icheeknows 5 · 2⤊ 4⤋
Beacuse your not their Mother and You never will be. Accept it now. If the kids are little then you may be able to step in as mom, but if they are older you can't. Regardless of that though the kids should respect you as they should any adult. Telling them to go to their room or to do their home work is one thing, but any major punishment should be discussed with the father and he should do the punishing. I know it doesn't seem right but thats how it is. You are not their mother. Where is their mom? Are the kids butting heads with you or are they willing to let you take on the role of mom? if not you need to step back and jsut try to be a friend not a mom to them. But like I said they ahve no right to disrespect you.
2006-09-09 08:22:59 · answer #9 · answered by Lyoness 3 · 2⤊ 5⤋