What do you do when...?

Question

Your stumble upon your sinigicant other's myspace page and it announces that he is single and looking for a serious relationship. All the while, he is sitting in your face denying that he is unfaithful despite the fact that names in his phone match up with his friends list? At what poin do you tell him that he is busted.

My first comment is that I am not a snoop and regularly I give him his privacy but gut feelings were telling me to follow up on some things. I have also discovered that he has been calling people from an online prostitute service, a local chat line, and alot more wild stuff. Withthese other situations he always denied it was him but now the proof is in the pudding.
He has been very abusive before when I approach him about my supiscions and has refused to leave me alone.
The dude is crazy! And PLEASE don't tell me anything about the BS stay away order.

I know that what he is doing is not a reflection of me. i am an attractive woman and do very well for myself. I have always been supportive of him and set myself apart from the other type of women that he is used to dating.

I have tried to get out of the relationship several times but he refuses. He does things like hanging around my place when he knows that i'm on a date. That's embarrassing. No other guy wants a woman with drama.

I would never consider killing myself over this or him. I have two beautiful children that need me and love me WAyY more than he ever could.

And stay away papers will not keep him from whooping my a$$ or embarassing me at my job. plus i would have to take off and go through alot of unnecessary drama.

Answer 1

I don't understand why you would not wish to hear advice on a stay away order if somebody is abusive to you. I think I do understand loving somebody who is abusive as I was in a situation such as that in my younger years.

You began with stating you are not a snoop. I don't know if you live with your significant other or not, but I will presume that you do. I believe in listening to our gut feelings. If we are in a committed relationship that means both are committed to nurturing the relationship, have agreed to be manogamous unless other agreements such as an "open" relationship/marriage is in place. With the understanding both are committed to each other and will be faithful gives each certain rights to look into, delve into, or otherwise investigate suspicious behaviors or attitudes. All who are in relationships have certain rights to look into deal breaking behaviors. We owe it to ourselves to find out if our partners are behaving in such manners. However, there are those who can take this to an extreame and also do so simply due to a lack of self esteem or self worth. We need to be careful and determine if the "gut" feeling is actually outside or if it is inside ourselves. Now, I think yours is definintly outside and that you have good reason to trust your gut and now you have discovered his betrayals.

You next state that you have had these suspicions and asked him in the past with abusive and non-reponsive behaviors. This is insulting your intelligence, and discarding your feelings or worth in this relationship. Those who act in this fashion is not exibiting love or any true committment to the relationship. Yet you continue to stay with him. If you choose to stay with a person after he has treated you shabbily he has no reason to stop this poor treatment, in fact he has every reason to believe you will continue to tolerate it and will not stop and will in fact increase his degree of abusiveness towards you. Men who get away with such abuse come to look down on those they abuse as lacking in self esteem, self worth, and feel you either enjoy the treatment or lack the streangth or will power to get out. We all determine how others will treat us by how we allow them to treat us. You are allowing him to treat you in this manner.

Now, you go on to say that you have the proof he is cheating and behaving in adulterous manners. What do you think most will tell you here? To stay with him and try to change him? You have already set up a situation in which this man knows you will allow his abusive treatment of you. We are incapable of changing anyone but ourselves. Witht this truth, and the fact he is already abusive how to you propose to change his behavior now? Catching him is not going to convince him to stop what he is doing. First of all it looks like he is actively looking for a different partner yet will not leave you unitl he has one all nailed down. Both women and men engage in such behavior. They stay with the one they are preparing to leave until they have the new partner completely in their thrall.

I strongly advice you to leave him before he has the chance to complete his leaving you. Why even confront him if you know he will abuse you? I think it would just be asking for further abuse if you do this. I understand your being angry and feeling betrayed, you have every right to feel so. However, the best method of getting your own back AND reclaiming your self esteem and self worth is just to leave him in the dust as soon as you are able. If this means you must leave your current home and find a different place to stay, like with friends or family wihile looking for a new place then do so. Don't get hung up on "I lived here first and I will not leave damb it, HE will leave not ME!!" tangle. Alll this will lead to is more abuse, more angst, more harm, more upset, more turmoil, more negitive everything. This will further lower your self esteem and you will wind up bitter and angry to such a degree it will take a while to recover enough to be good in a new relationship. You do not want to take all this bagagge into a new relationship.

Listen honey, take some advice and leave while the leaving is good. Take what self worth you have now, and add to it by taking proactive action to reclaim what you have allowed him to take from you. Reclaim your power, your self esteem, your self worth, and save yourself and any child involved further harm.

If you don't wish to listen then nobody here can be of help to you. This will be one of those lessons you have to learn the hard way. I am so sorry you are in such pain and are hurting so deeply. There is not much worse in life (other than the death of a beloved child) than living with an abusive male who cares nothing for your feelings or soul. A man who does only does not nurture or value you but who activily is destroying all that is good in you, taking what you gave in love and stomping all over it. However, only you can take yourself out of this situation and reclaim all that you have allowed this man to stomp all over. I am sure you are a loving women with much to offer. Don't throw it away on somebody who does not value what you have to offer. There are many men in this world who are good men and who will value you and nurture you and the relationship. But this will not occur intill you are ready to claim it. Until you stop allowing abusive men into your life, until you realize you are worth so much more, you; will continue in a vicious cycle of abusive relationships which each will take an important peice of your soul away. Bit by bit you will allow yourself to be destroyed and any child you have will be horribly scarred by your choices. A child raised in such an abusive enviroment will take that enviroment inside and it will cripple, twist and harm that child for life. A girl will grow up believeing this is how men treat women and not expect anything better. A boy will grow up believing this is how you treat women and will become an abuser and woman hater like his father. You will be doing yourself and your children incalcable harm by staying. If you have children and can't do it for yourself yet, do it for your children. They will be much better off without any father than an abusive father who will abuse their mother and later them as well.

So, don't get the restraining order, just leave. If not then continue to allow yourself to be degraded and abused. This man is on his way out. When he leaves you will find one just life him and repeat this saga until you are ready to stop it and get off. By then much harm will have been done to you and your children. If you get out now you can stop that further damage and begin to heal. Learn your own value, we are all valuable and we all deserve to be treated with respect and decency.

In the future watch how a man treats his mother, his sister, talks about women in general and how he treats animals. If he treats his mother disrepectfully, or his sister, or talks down about women, you can be sure he is a woman hater and will not treat you any better than any other woman he has been with. If he treats animals poorly, or abuseses them, this is a sure sign he will abuse you and your children. This has been born out in study after study of abusive individuals.

You are valuable, you are worthy, you have meaning and purpose. You do not deserve such poor treatment as this, or to be emotionally or physically abused. Your children do not deserve to be raised in such a harmfull enviroment. It is up to you as an adult to fix your own situation. However, you will not do so until you are ready until you learn you are valuable and deserve so much better, so much more. I truly wish you the best life has to offer, much happiness and a fullfililing relationshp.I wish you the best of everything and I sincerelly hope you get yourself out of this dead end and abusive, non nurturing relationship. Much blessings your way always.

Answer 2

This guy has a serious self image problem. He needs all these other activities to make himself feel important. He's selfish and selfcentered. Drop him like a hot rock before you get hurt.
If you have an older brother, or an older male friend ask if you could ask them or a friend of theirs to be a "protective guy friend" till this guy gets the message that you are over him...

If this guy really was interested in you these other things wouldn't be happening.. they are all clues to get away from this guy.

Answer 3

Well, there is a chance his My Space page was not 'real'. Lots of people put up fake pages, with their real stuff and pics and all, but it's totally for fun.

However, it's more likely that he is not serious about you. He is already looking for his next girlfriend, or at least wants a couple on the back burner.

I'd just dump him...

Answer 4

I won't tell you any BS. But I will tell you this....no one can treat you in any way unless you allow them to. I understand what you are saying...and yes there are some really screwed up men in this world...I know, I have loved a few of them.

But it is your life. Change it if you don't want the abuse.

Answer 5

You will forever live in the shadow of another person, or will allow one to dominate your life...UNLESS...you establish a standard for what you want, a level of respect you will not comprimise, and a feeling of self worth you will not let someone bully you out of.

And if you think you are going to change him, or he is going to change for you.....cash in* your chips now and be prepared for a lonely abusive life.

*(and I don't mean kill yourself, I mean give up any hope for a rewarding fulfilled life)

Answer 6

Unless your number was the one on the prostitutes list then I would consider him dumped let him keep his own STD's!

Answer 7

Why do you need to tell him he is busted.
Just walk away and let him figure

Answer 8

do u kno this guy just over myspace? be careful