How to deal with playground battles?

Question

When I take my 3-year old to a playground, I try to let her socialize and deal with other kids on her own, but I always try to get her to share her things- pail and shovel, etc.
Recently, she took her favourite backpack to the park, and had it on her back. A little friend of hers (same age), wanted it and asked for it (my little one gave it up, although not happily). After a while, she came running to me saying she wanted it back. The other girl didnt want to give it back, and I found it tough to deal with the girl to give it back. I'd normally count on the other child's parents to step in, but this particular girl has nannies who don't really watch or care about what she's doing.
What's the best thing to do? When should kids be taught to share their things, and when is it ok to step in and protect their personal belongings? Any opinions?

Thanks everyone-- lots of great ideas in your responses.

Answer 1

Sharing personal items should always be optional. If you are going someplace like the park where several "general" kids will be (not ones related to you), you should probably keep the special items in the car or in a bag with you. My daughter likes to bring "Blankie" places, but blankie can only go in the car. When we arrive at our destination, blankie "waits" for her in her carseat so he doesn't get lost or dirty. This eliminates the need for sharing blankie (as well as the other practical need- blankie does not get lost!) When your child does share, it is her perogative if she wants it back, and you should defend that. It is her property, and she has decided that she no longer wishes to share it. This is hard for other little ones to understand, especially since they all are still in the "all about ME" stage, where the world revolves entirely around them. It is hard for little ones to share, and although you don't want them to have the "gimmie gimmies" where they think EVERYTHING belongs to them, there are some things that should remain sacred. If you are having a playdate at your house, have your child choose some toys she wants to share, and have her put things she will not want to share in her room. I have joked with my husband about times when we are at the park with other people's kids... I always tell him that I should wear a tee-shirt that says, "Yes, I am a preschool teacher, but I am not being paid to watch YOUR child today!" I always feel like I'm there with everyone else's kid too... Guess I should just start asking for donations!
Have patience... she'll learn how to share and protect her stuff.

Answer 2

it's a really hard situation to be in, when you are waiting for the other parents/nannies to do the right thing and they don't. I hate parenting other people's children but if they're not going to deal with the confrontation, they take it into your own hands.

I think it was great for your daughter to share, however in that situation when your daughter wanted it back and the other guardian was not stepping in, I would have went over to the friend and said, Okay, she would like her backpack back now, it's her turn.

When it comes to friends coming to visit or goign on outtings to the park, we usually go through our things first. If there are special toys that the girls aren't comfortable sharing then I encourage the girls to put those toys away into the closet or a private spot where others won't get into them. I do teach them however that other toys are free game then, and they have to share those ones.. This is a tough situation but good luck!!!!

Answer 3

I'm not sure a free-for-all setting like a public playground is the best place to teach lessons about sharing, because you really don't have complete control over the situation. If you can arrange play dates in smaller groups with parents who are more like you, work on the sharing in this more controlled setting. For the playground, she should only bring things that are not that valuable to you or her, because these could be taken or broken by a wild kid. The favorite backpack should not be up for grabs. To me, sharing is something you do with good friends, not with casual acquaintances at a playground. At the playground, you can learn lessons about waiting your turn and cooperative play. But leave the stuff out of it. When you go to a park or beach, do you expect to share your stuff with the other people who happen to be there? It's wonderful to teach your child to share, but make sure it's in the right context.

Answer 4

Kudos for raising your daughter to be a polite young girl! Its unfortuneate that the other child is not lucky enough to have parents that care about teaching her how to become a functional part of society. It won't really work for you to try and parent the other girl and teach her how to share because she wont get any reinforcement at home. The best thing to do is just to help your daughter get her things back and then use it as a lesson for your daughter on how not to behave. Its sounds like you're doing a great job!

Answer 5

A lot of parents expect their child to share but do you? It’s hard to share! Would you loan your neighbor your new dress or car? What if you were forced? How would you feel? It's essentially the same thing for children when it comes to their prized possessions. They don't want to share them either! If you force your child to share, it will only cause anger and resentment. Sharing is something that should come from the heart. I teach preschool and in my classroom this is what works. A child can use something for as long as they want. When they put it away another child can use it. The children understand the ways of our classroom and accept this.

You can talk to your child in ways so that they can see another child’s point of view. "It looks like Emma really likes your toy. I bet she would like to play with it too. Maybe when you're finished she can play with it." These words may help your child empathize with the other child and they may share. Have your child pick out some things that they are willing to share and put away the things they do not want to share. Remember not to force it. Let it come from the heart. I think for sharing to come from the heart, children need to be able to empathize. She is old enough to do so. Good luck!

Answer 6

It's great to teach kids to share, and that is a big principal I have instilled in my kids. But in a playground situation you (and your daughter) have no duty to share. Many of the other children don't and your example of the backpack illustrates the difficulty. Sharing is best in homes (yours or others) and classrooms. Your daughter is doing really well for 3 years old, you should be proud.

Answer 7

Stop teaching your child that she has to give up her things. It's nice to share but not things like backpacks (besides what was she doing with a backpack at a playground?) If you don't want to have to face these "battles" then omit the problem which is bringing things to the playground.

Answer 8

I think sharing is a wonderful thing among children but only with children you know and with parents you know. Your daughter can learn to share under controlled conditions (in your home or the home of a friend). I'm not sure teaching her to share things with strangers is such a good idea anyway.

Answer 9

Unless you want to give away a lot of things, you will have to be assertive and say something like, "The backpack is hers. You can look at it for a little while, but you have to give it back"; and then, "Okay, it is time to give it back now, thank you!" while you take it away. Later on your daughter must be able to say these things for herself, but right now she is too young and needs you to step in.

Answer 10

well if things get reealy tough you should step in ,in you rcase you should tell th eother girl i know you want it but your friend is crying and you dont want that so plese [fake cry ] plese give it back ,then if says no you should do more fake crying then say ok thanks for nothing then more afke crying walk slowy if she says wait then maybe there is hope ,but if she doesnt say anything its time to get th enannies involved an dif they dont work if you can contact the parents ,[ask the nannies the contact info] and i fthat doesnt work try a place of there own at kcet or pbs well good luck