Do you think I'm wrong?

Question

My mother always says that I never come visit her, but I do take care of business for her once a month. Sometimes my sister or cousin will go and take care of things for her. My mother emotionally and mental abused me when I was younger and I treated her like a queen. When I do go see her, she always talks about negative things. Then she will get to a point where she will start putting me down. That is why I harlldy ever go to see her for more than a an hour, if that. I do talk to her on the phone and it's always alot of negative talk or what she wants me to do for her. I don't have a car and I have three children, ages 4, 6, and 15. So I'm quite busy. Do you think I'm wrong for keeping my distance? She does come over my house for holidays, like Christmas and Thanksgiving.

I guess I forgot to mention that I am married and one of my children has a disability. Not physical.

Answer 1

Speaking from experience, I think you have to attend to your own family (kids) and yourself physically and mentally. Surround yourself with positive people stay away from her when possible. you can't change your moms attitude towards you after
that many years.

Answer 2

The other answers are correct. If you think your mom can and will, you two need to have a frank discussion about the things that are bothering you. Poor communication if most often the cause of rifts between family and friends. She can't read your mind and she probably remembers things a lot differently... you have to remember that you are looking back through different eyes. She looks back on a younger version of her adult self, while you are looking back to your childhood. There may have been other things going on in her life then that you didn't understand and some of those things may be the cause for her bitterness now. My grandmother does the same thing to my mother and it drives me insane. My mom is now in her 50's and is just learning to cope with her mother's behavior. It has been a lifetime of put downs, let downs and negative emotions. There is no reason to let her take the fun and energy out of your life, but a little understanding could at least smooth the path. She will always be your mom and she won't be around forever. I would also suggest that you try talking to a therapist. Sometimes it helps to have an outside ear to hear your side and they can often help find ways for you to handle her criticisms and negativity so it doesn't consume your life.

Answer 3

Mothers are always like that. It maybe that she just feels lonely and would like you to give her more attention, after all she did give you so much as well. Family ties are solid bonds and as they say "Blood is always thicker than water" so it is very easy to neglect the fact that we ask so much from family. So if your mother abuses you emotionally and mentally, like pointing out your mistakes, it is because they want you to be the best you can be and it is done out of love for you. So you shouldn't feel bad at all about it even if it hurts you so much.

Now if you find it difficult to visit her, then another possible option is to send your children to visit her and to take care of her. You may find that an unusual thing to do, but with Chinese families it is very normal to teach our children to take good care of our elders and take some responsibility, your eldest should be of age to take on that role, it will also help them to build character.

To close my answer, I just want to say that you are not wrong. It can be expected that any normal person will have too little time to do everything they need to or want to do. What matters is what you choose to do about it?

Answer 4

no, i dont see anything wrong with it, if you havent already then you should tell her how you feel, and that you would rather keep your distance from her if she is going to do that...

to me it sounds like that is all she knows how to do, since she did it when you were younger too, having kids can make you very busy, I have seen that. I see that you are making a good effort to go see her and she isnt apreciating it... next time your alone with her, tell her that you will stop coming and see what she says, if she is rude and starts a fight or something then skip a month, then go next time and see what she says and how she reacts, i know this can be hard, but it might be good for her...

if that sounds like something that will help then try it, if not then dont.. good luck

Answer 5

I agree with other answers. You need to sit down and talk to her and explain the way you feel and the reasons why you don't like visiting her but on the other side If you have 3 kids and no car sounds like some of the negative things she tells you are true

Answer 6

Your'e not wrong for keeping your distance,in fact you should increase that distance by a 1000 times.
Your mother has a "ram goat complex" (a really hard head),she doesn't respect you or care about anthing you have to say.
So dump her and get on with your life

Answer 7

I don't think it's wrong..but i do think u need to explain to her the reasons for u not coming over that often. U must also remember she's ur mother so don't stay away too long.

Answer 8

Yes, keep a distance..
She is your mother yes.. and you are suppose to give her all the love..
But if she is negative,, to you,,, do not force yourself..
Better think of her as neutral or pray for her understanding you... it will make you fell better

Answer 9

I think you are wasting your time. This is not a mother. A mother is the woman who loves you, and who bore you and nurtured you as a child. I suggest you just try to forget about her, talking to her would be a complete waste of time and she would not understand a word but would just think you are being selfish.

Answer 10

I suggest you sit down and have a "heart to heart" talk with your mom...tell her the truth. Maybe then she will be able to understand the reasons you don't visit that often.