When I was in elementary school until I was about 18 or 19, my father (who had some severe back problems and needed surgery) developed arthritis, which gave him sciatica. I would massage his unclothed lower back, and also his unclothed buttocks to help ease the pain. I am older now, and when I think back on it I know I was trying to help my father feel better, but I feel awkward about it. I think it crossed boundaries, and I am wondering if it might be considered childhood sexual abuse. I don't remember it being sexual in nature, but now that I am an adult I sadly see it from a different angle. Sometimes he would give me a little money to help him, and I don't think he meant any harm to me...but while it made me uncomfortable then, it makes me even more so now, and I have to wonder.
2006-09-08 16:14:17 · 25 answers · asked by Flavorsplash 2 in Health ➔ Other - Health
I am noticing that the men seem to be having different reactions to my original question. Since I started doing this during elementary school, it became a normal routine in my life. To answer some questions posed by people: my mother wasn't able to massage his back due to health and then due to being gone from the house...also, I didn't tell him it made me uncomfortable because I thought it would be selfish to do that. I felt sorry for him. No one rubs him there now, and no one has for about twenty years that I know of.
2006-09-08 17:07:35 · update #1
I know some may disagree, but a father asking you to rub his naked butt as an elementary level child sounds inappropriate. IF you would have just said his back, I would not have responded this way. However, once he dropped his pants, it became a problem. I would have an issue if I was married and had a kid and my husband had them rubbing his butt. You did not say whether your mom was at home. If so, that should have been her job. You also said it stopped at 18 or 19. Does someone else rub him down now? Or was he miraculously cured at that age after all those years?
2006-09-08 16:26:06 · answer #1 · answered by Jena W 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
When I was a lot younger, my dad worked shift work and always had a hard time sleeping at odd hours. I use to go and rub his back for him until he fell asleep. I never thought anything of it at all. IF your father was laying on his stomach, and you never saw more than his butt, then I can't see how that was crossing the line unless he was getting aroused, which may have been an involuntary reaction, but still enough for him to stop asking you to rub his back/butt.
I have had professional massages and the low back/hip/buttock is always massaged...if that was a sexual thing, it would be illegal, just like prostitution.
I don't know why you would want to evaluate your father like this. It makes me think there is something else going wrong in your life, and you are looking for answers. Maybe you need to go to a counselor and have someone help you figure out what you need to know, instead of asking a bunch of people you have no idea if they are abusers themselves, or anything about them...
Some communities offer counseling at churches and mental health services that are based on income if you don't have other resources... but I would talk to someone professionally.
2006-09-09 06:35:47 · answer #2 · answered by browneyes 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't consider this abuse either, unless you know he was getting sexually aroused. The money may have been out of guilt because he knew it was slightly inappropriate -- only in that he should have had his partner or doctor massage him, not his daughter.
BUT! Just a NOTE to everyone who's answered this so far -- if you agree to it, that IN NO WAY crosses off abuse as an option. Consent from a minor, especially under the age of fourteen, is not valid when it comes to sexual relations with an adult. The child is too young to know any better or understand what is going on, and unfortunately may think it's just a way adults show love.
Please, have some respect and don't be so ignorant.
2006-09-08 16:47:28 · answer #3 · answered by rashavara 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Abuse no but awkward, uncomfortable and odd definitely. It doesn't sound sexual at all, If he seemed to get some sort of sexual pleasure from it then it definitely was some sort of sexual abuse. If you feel that it has affected you that it hurts your life or your other elationships then maybe you should talk to someone about it.
If it makes you feel any better: my brother in law has been a licensed massage therapist since he was 20. They are trained to massage the buttocks as part of complete lower body massage for either men or women. He is trained in massage and so he does not feel weird about it at all. He compares himself to a nurse who is really just trying to someone who is in pain.
2006-09-08 16:26:14 · answer #4 · answered by Matt M 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you felt uncomfortable why didn't you tell him , if he didn't ask you to do this before he developed problems and anyone else knew about it I don't think it would be a sexual thing if at 18 it made u uncomfortable but you didn't feel it was sexual then it probably wasn't it seems to me it was a medical thing and while it made you uncomfortable would you do this if it started now and you were taking care of him ? In the answer to that question is the answer to your question
2006-09-08 16:25:29 · answer #5 · answered by pink leo 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
sounds like your confusion increase with age.
18 or 19 is not a child anymore
,and if it wasn't sexual then how can it be so now after all this time
and believe me a 18 year old girl would know exactly if there is any thing sexual in a contact going on.-
And finely he was just lying there .and you were doing the massaging if anything you are the abuser ,you were tantalizing and mentally abusing your poor old dad.
2006-09-08 16:26:03 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
i understand your feelings, i was sexually abused from 8 to 10 by a neighbor, different circumstances, but i know the feeling. the only thing i can tell you is, now it doesnt matter. the past is just that. im sure you have other things to think about, so forget it. i was at a party a long time ago and was talking to this girl, and somehow that subject was brought up. wed both been abused at the same ages and i asked her if she ever thought about it and if it bothered her. she said the only way to think of yourself is not as a victim, but a survivor. you have prevailed, so put it out of your head. she was right. now the only time i think about it is if someone else brings it up. your case is boarderline, it may have and may not have, but if it was, and rubbing someones naked butt was all there was to it, you are one of the luckiest people on earth.
2006-09-08 16:49:39 · answer #7 · answered by chris l 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Not sexual at all. I get my massage therapist to massage my butt because of strain. If it was sexual they wouldn't do it. He needed help at the time and you were willing. I agree with the others about nurses doing it. He wiped your butt. Poor guy probably felt bad asking you but he must have been in so much pain to do so. Hope this helps.
2006-09-08 16:28:41 · answer #8 · answered by nobody's hero 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No this wasnt abuse. My partner had sciatica too and the pain would be in the lower back and buttock and it used to help when I massaged it.
2006-09-08 16:21:49 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You watch too much Oprah. Men don't feel sexual about their asses. If it was abuse, you'd have been rubbing something else. I have back problems and I'd pay somebody to knead my ********* like a wad of dough sometimes.
Get over it, the sexual part is with you, not him. Did it get you thinking, maybe? Well, that's your problem.
2006-09-08 16:22:04 · answer #10 · answered by normobrian 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋