How do you get over an abusive relationsip?

Question

I was married for 21 years. Married when I was pregnant and very young. We had 3 children together. He was abusive to me and our children. I was able to get away with my kids and we are now safe. He's out of our lives because he is in jail. He's due to get released in the next 2 years. I still live in fear of him emotionally and when he's released it will be physically. I have had a couple other relationships since my divorce (good guys) but, I always have a problem with trusting and letting down my guard to my heart. My children are now grown and are doing good but, I can't seem to get over the abuse. I've been in therapy for a long time and nothing seems to work. I've come a long way but, I'm still afraid of getting hurt again. What can I do to eventually get over my past. I want a happy relationship too like so many married couples that I see. I'm a good person and I think I have so much to offer. Help! Thanks!

Answer 1

First of all, good for you for recognizing that the relationship was abusive and getting the hell out. I'm sorry that you had to live through that, but it takes a strong person to not only to leave the situation, but also to work on resolving the emotional trauma that is left over. My suggestion would be:

1) keep going for the "good guys", the ones who will understand and help you on your journey rather than hold you back

2) Communicate with them, be honest and tell them why you have problems trusting them. If they don't understand that you have good reasons to be mistrustfull and don't understand why your guard is up, then they might misinterpret your hesitation as disintrest or somthing that they personally have done wrong.

3) Find a new therapist. There are many different philosophies in psychology and counseling, many different techniques, not to mention different personalities of the therapist themselves. If the technique/ therapist isn't helping you, explore your options. You seem to be very intellegent and insightful about your problems and you obviously have the capacity to be pro-active about your treatment. Ask your current therapist what kind of technique they use and if they know of any other techniques that might be helpful in your situation. They might refer you to a collegue who has a different approach. "Cognitive Behavioral Therapy" is a popular approach that might work for you because you are so insightful, but what works for some doesn't work for all so keep looking until you find something that works for you.

4) Utilize all of your resourses. Find local meetings with other women who have survived abusive relationships. Go to your library or bookstore and read all you can about the subject. Find out if there are any organizations in your area that have other resources such as classes.

5) Take the time now, while your ex is in jail, to make sure that you will be physically secure when he gets out. This might mean relocating and severing ties with any mutual acquaintences, just make it as hard as humanly possible for him to find you when he gets out. I know it's hard to pick up your life and leave friends behind, but you'll sleep better at night.

6) Don't give up. I wish there was a quick fix for making you feel secure in a new relationship, but the truth is that it will take time to find the right person and to be able to allow yourself to be vulnerable. Even when there is no history of abuse, relationships take a lot of hard work, communication, trust and love, and those things take time to establish. It'll be an uphill battle for you, but when you find the right person it will all be worth it. Don't loose heart!

Good luck to you, you're on the right path, just keep working at it!

Answer 2

I think what you did (getting out of the relationship) shows that you are a very strong and courageous woman. My best friend is in the same situation as you are / and I saw her go through so much turmoil and self doubt. She's now free from the abusive relationship as well - and starting a new life.

I can't imagine that enduring 21 years of abuse is something that is easy to get over quickly. It'll probably take some time to let down your guard. I'm not an expert but I've worked with victims of human rights abuses - similar to your experience, it often takes a long time to begin trusting again.

Also - on the bright side - you probably have an incredible "sixth" sense about men after what you've been through. With every new relationship you build - listen to your gut instincts.

Maybe try to start slow and work your way back into the datiing world. Personally I've found it to be rather tough - so if I were you I'd make sure I was on emotional solid ground before getting "out there."

Answer 3

It's not easy thing that you are dealing with. I give you lots of credit to have the strength to put him away, trying to move on, and raising your children. It's not something you can forget - But, you can use what has happened to you and maybe help others in that situation. This way you also build a network of safety for yourself. It may soothe your pain and maybe give you more opportunities to trust someone.

You could move, change your name, etc. but not sure if it helps. It will still haunt you. I've learned that you have to accept what has happened to you, learn, and move on. Trying to forget or get over the past brings nothing but angst later on - because it festers.

I'm so sorry that this happened to you. You seem like a really nice person and I wish you the best.

Answer 4

it isnt easy getting over an abusive relationship...in fact u may not get over it at all...ive been abused too but let it stop u...educate others about the signs of abuse...turn ur negative experience into a positive one by knowing that others u know will not the same experience....and since u know what abuse is like if anyone else treats that way u know to walk away right away

Answer 5

I don't know if I have any answers for you, but I feel your pain.

If you're still not feeling safe, what would have to happen to make you feel safe? I think that's important to address first, as it's hard to do anything like trust or fall in love if you're not in a good place to begin with.

Take care of yourself first. You are a strong woman and you do have a lot to offer.

Answer 6

newborn, I say this with all of the sincerity in my coronary heart of hearts. If what you assert is actual, get removed from him. he will finally end up killing you at some point and it would be over no longer something, over a fantasy in his head of a few thing he thinks you probably did incorrect. you will beg and plead with him which you probably did no longer do something incorrect yet he will kill you besides. you could't restore him and it will by no skill get better, I even have seen this and its aftermath a hundred cases. I even have listened to terrified 911 demands help that by no skill is presented in time. Please have faith me in this. The voices of those ladies hang-out my desires. those we could no longer help because of the fact they ignored all of the indicators and enable him back into their lives. It happens repeatedly.

Answer 7

Simple let go... I had been in bad relations too but that does not stop me from finding happynes... I found my own after several years searching aand having my heart broken again and again. You need to know what you want first then go out and get it. EFIL

Answer 8

That's not an easy one.This will take some serious effort on your part to overcome..you will have to FORCE yourself to trust again, even though a part of your mind says no. You will never overcome this with a half-hearted approach. Force yourself to allow him to be a part of your life.

Answer 9

I'm sorry to hear that you are in such a bad situation. In my experience, the best way to deal with fear that we want to overcome is to ignore it. I know it sounds strange, but you have to let yourself go. You have to challenge yourself to take the hurt that may come your way in order to overcome your fear. When you find a man who likes you (like one of the guys you were with for a while), you have to tell yourself, "This man may hurt me, but I'm going to let him. I want to see him hurt me. I want to give him a chance to do his worst. I won't deprive him of the pleasure of making me cry."

It may sound weird, but it actually works. Chances are, he'll treat you just fine, but even if he doesn't, even if he hurts you horribly, you will find that you won't be afraid anymore.

Fear comes from within. It is sometimes a necessary tool for survival, but usually we have to overcome it in order to lead full lives.

I wish you the best of luck in getting your life back. It's a rough road, but you have what it takes to get there. If you wish to discuss this further, contact me.

Answer 10

You have to give trust to receive trust.
To start, give a little, not enough to hurt if it is misused, but enough that (s)he has something to reciprocate to.
Let it grow piece by piece, similar to the way you give a child more and more responsibility as they can handle more...