how to handle living with an alcoholic?

Question

how is one supposed ot live with an alcoholic and not let the stress affect them?

I'm 6.5 months pregnant and the stress is affecting the baby. He's telling me that it's my fault for letting his drinking stress me out, that I have the choice to let it stress me out. I'm a bad mother for letting it stress me out so much that it affects the child.

How do others live with an alocoholic and not let it get to them? I don't want to be a bad mother, so I'm interested in techniques to help me with the stress.

fyi, we aren't married, he's been my boyfriend for 3 years.

He promises to live up to his responsibilities as a father and says he'll quit when the time comes

He says if I leave him he'll take me to court for custody and I'm terrified of losing... or even letting him have 50/50 because if I am not in his life, I will have no insight as to what is going on with my child and an alcoholic when the baby is with him. I guess I'm choosing to suffer rather than risk not having a say in what happens to my child when I'm not around, who the child is around, etc. His friends think it's ok to drink excessively when kids are around, and they smoke pot etc, I don't want the baby exposed to that

Answer 1

How to handle living with an alcoholic 101. Text: CoDependant No More, by Melodie Beattie

How to live with an alcoholic & not let the stress affect them?
My wife after 25yrs of marriage started drinking & carried on for more than an another 10yrs gradually getting worse & worse until she was consuming about a pint of Vodka every night. I was stressed out to the max. The book I mentioned above helped me a great deal & I strongly recommend it for you.

Is it your fault that you are stress? Absolutely not! However, you are stressed because you are coping with your dillema the only way you can. As of today, you are going to begin a search for a new set of coping skills that will 1st help you, & if all goes well, will also help your husband if he chooses be helped.

How do others live with an alcoholic & not let it get to them?
Well 1st let me tell you that after 10 yrs of living with an alcoholic & letting it get to me every second of every day. I decided that I wasn't going to put up with it any longer. I told her in no uncertain terms that either the booze goes or I go. The only way I would stick around was if she went into a treatment centre ASAP.
That was over 14 months ago, & I am glad to say, she went & has been sober ever since. The reason I am telling you this is because we both go back to the treatment centre on a weekly basis & each attend a support group. One for addicts (her) & one for family members of addicts (me). I count myself amongst the fortunate ones there because at least for the moment the drinking is gone from our marriage. But some of the others are just beginning their journey into dealing with addiction, & some of them & others are living with either a relapse or a stalled recovery. In any case I don't know that any of us are able to live with an addict & not let it get to us to some degree.
What we strive to learn together, is how to cope in a healthier way for both ourselves, & the addict that is so strongly affecting our lives.

You must surround yourself & your baby with support to get through this. See a councillor if you can. Give Al-Anon or CoDa a try.

Another technique for coping with the stress that I am only beginning to explore is "Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction" or MBSR. Go to http://www.umassmed.edu/cfm/mbsr/
to locate a practitioner of this therapy, & to learn more about what it is & what it can do for you.

I am going to break one of my personal rules & give you my e-mail address so you can contact me if you have any further questions or wish additional support.
[e-mail]
I truly sympathise with you, it's not your fault, & you are not a bad mother because you are stressed out over this.

Answer 2

It has already been said in different ways but here's a hard truth. Alcoholism is a family disease and it makes the family members, particularly the spouse/partner just as sick mentally, emotionally and spiritually. THIS IS NOT THE FAULT OF THE SPOUSE because s/he was not aware of the effect the disease is having. Please go to Al-Anon which is designed to help people just like you and is allied but seperate from AA
You have to live your own life and get free of the shackles of alcoholism in the form of your boyfriend. More harm will be done to him by enabling him

I am an alcoholic myself and TG sober in AA for almost 12 years. My experience has been that spouses who seriously want help in Al Anon often, by their own recovery, help the alcoholic. Call it tough love. You will get a lot of support there but YOU have to make that first step and yes, you may have to leave, even if only temporarily.

Remember, we cannot change anybody else but we sure can change our attitude and consequent actions in a loving way.

You can do it and will know you need never be alone again. May you be blessed and given courage

Answer 3

You -should- be concerned. If you get nothing else from this, be assured that it absolutely does -not- make you a bad mother that you're worried about living with an alcoholic when you're going to have a baby in a few months.

This may sound harsh, but if this guy won't get help and stop drinking, he isn't good for you -or- your baby to be around. Don't -ever- let him put the blame on you for his problem.

Answer 4

OHFERCRYINOUTLOUD!!! I'm SO sorry... SO SO sorry. I don't know the answer to living with one without stress, but I do have to say the WORM is copping out with typical alcoholic style. Telling you it's a choice you're making to stress is like slapping you across the face then telling you you've made a choice to sting and turn red or bruise!!!
NO, NOT bad Mommy, more like BAD father. BAD BAD BAD father. He may have potential to be a decent human but not as long as there's any alcohol in him, and not as long as he doesn't face his problem instead of being a coward.
Sorry so harsh. I also live with an alcoholic. I know I have choices, but my heart goes out to you. I know how painful those choices can be. My own heart says breaking a vow is wrong, but Save your children! Tell him he must CHOOSE to get well to live with his children. I mean, what if you DO learn to be completely serene in the face of the stress he creates? What about your children? They will still suffer. Alcoholics bring PAIN.

Answer 5

Let's put this in prospective....

Your husband is 50% responsible for your baby and supposed to (and promised by marrying you) care for you, support you, emotionally, physically, and financially.

Now, he is telling you, it is your fault that him destroying himself and you AND your baby and being so concerned about the entire situation that it is making you sick IS YOUR FAULT.

You think about this.... who is right and who is wrong....

Alcoholism starts out as a choice and turns into a disease. Unfortunate thing is, the person who is sick, and by virtue of the disease, unable to think for himself, is the only person who can change him.

You may have to make hard choices in near future. No one on this forum can tell you what that is, or if you should do it. But always know, it is NOT your fault. Do what you have to do to support yourself and your baby.

UPDATE

So you aren't married. He says he'll quite when the time comes.... Well? When is the right time? Baby is on the way now. Is it the right time to quit?

Let's say baby is here now. Is it the right time? When the kid goes to school? Is it the right time, yet? How about when the kid reaches highshool...??

What is he really saying?

He'll take you to court if you leave him? That may happen..... After all, anyone can take anybody to court. If that happens, what would you say to the judge? Why did you leave him again? For who's benefit? Who was at fault? Who is harming who?

I see you are scared and your boyfriend is doing a good job terrifying you.

Sit down and think about this. What would people in the right mind say who is right and wrong? Who should care for the baby? What would judge likely to say?

Are you seeing the road yet? HELLO? Are you there?

Answer 6

i know this sounds cheesy, but i strongly suggest finding an "al-anon" meeting. They are for loved ones of alcoholics. If you can't get the alcoholic to seek help, you should seek help for yourself. Al-anon meeting are really great for helping you deal with this problem, and they offer a WHOLE lot of support and stress relief. Having someone close to you be an alcoholic can be seriously damaging to you, and makes you take on a lot of responsibility that isn't yours. I can't tell you enough how much these meetings can help you. If you aren't willing to leave the alcoholic bastard, then DEFINITELY go to these meetings.

Answer 7

Okay I'm going to try to help you.
First you have to separate yourself and your baby as much as possible from him.
What I mean is make sure that if he wrecks the car it wont matter to you and baby because ... I lived on a bus line. Yes inconvenience to me, but by no means the end of the world. Your own job, your own bank account. If you don't have these things get them.
Even if you have to work for BK so what? Money is money it all spends. Take classes. Make your own way.
Honey you married a alcoholic. Your going to have to fight for yourself and your child.
Stay with him if you wish, and he's not dangerous. Don't enable him, don't lie for him, don't give him money.
It's not a real life. Sometimes they sober up and you get them back I hear. That would make it worth it. Yep that sure would make it worth staying around awhile just to see.

Answer 8

I lived with a step father who was an alcoholic the best way to deal with them is to confront them or move out I moved out and ws never prouder of myself for taking a stand when I did I made sure I spoke my mind before I left sounds like they need to do some serious growing up part time job or not if you dont like the situation you are in fix it

Answer 9

Alcoholism is a disease. If you choose to stay with him, and he refuses to get help, then get some help for yourself. Look in the phone book for Al-anon, and join a local chapter. You will learn that you cannot control him, but you can control how you deal with him.

You are NOT a bad mother. He is an uncaring jerk. Having been in your situation, I know what you're feeling. Please find others that are dealing with this and they in turn will help you deal.

Good luck sweetie, and congratulations on becoming a Mom soon.

Answer 10

Dear Lord , hear our prayer and help this woman and her unborn child find the AL anon group support she needs, and Lord protect them both until this alcoholic husband gets to Alcoholics anonymous I ask this in the name of your Son our Lord Jesus the Christ. they are not easy to live with, and it will always be your fault, they do not see their addiction to alcohol and everything is blamed on someone else, especially the ones that are close.