What should I do? Here's the situation....?

Question

My husband's friend recently passed away. My first mistake was telling one of my family members. She wants to go, but I don't know if it's just to be cool or because she's overly emotional. (she did not know him that well at all). Well I have a baby but I want to be there to support my husband. She's my only choice as a sitter. If I ask her to watch the baby she will know why and where we are going. And she'll be hurt and angry. #1. Is it ok to take a baby to a funeral/memorial?(we were not family). My husband would really like me to be there and would be disappointed if I stayed home with our baby. #2. Should I just stay home? or #3. Should I just ask my family member to baby sit while we go and tell her the truth? (the truth requires me telling her we think she's too immature, and basically saying her feelings don't matter)

She wanted to "catch a ride with" us.

Answer 1

There are several issues at play here. First, and foremost though, it was your husband's friend, and as his spouse, you should be there to support your husband with the loss of his friend. What is yours is his and what is his is yours-- and that includes friends. So it is very important for you to be there.
You should NOT take your child with you-- now, if the friend who passed away was the child's Godfather or Godmother, then yes, the child should be there, but if not, then no, the child should not be there.
There are options for child care during the funeral and/or memorial. First, you could contact your local child care facilities, and ask them if they could watch the child for a small fee for those few hours (that way the child is in the hands of a licensed day care), and it prevents you from having to ask the emotional family member.
Now, if that family member did know the deceased, then she (or he) has every right to go to that funeral and memorial serivice, unless it is a "closed, private service". I would suggest though, that you explain to the family member, that while there, you are there to support your husband and to mourn the deceased, and probably will not sit by, nor "chit chat" with that family member-- explain that in advance though, as to prevent any uncomfortable feelings at the service.
Distancing yourself from that family member during the service, served to allow that family member to make a fool of themselves if they so choose, without it really reflecting poorly onto you or your husband.
So to answer your questions in order:
#1. No, the baby should not go with you, unless the deceased was close to the child, or was the Godparent of the child.
#2. No you should not stay at home. Your husband needs you during this time of loss, and it would be disrespectful to your husband to not be there for him.
#3. Try to find alternative arrangements for your child. If that is not possible, then ask that family member, but do it in a manner that is respectful to that family member (such as saying "I know that the loss of this person is painful for you, but I could really use your help to ensure that my husband can go, and that I can be there to support him. It would be a tremendous help to me." because that way it is not only respectful, but allows this emotional person a chance to feel like they are doing their part in the tragic loss of the friend.

Good luck to you, and I hope everything turns out alright for you-- your husband and yourself are dealing with a loss here, and you do not need the added stress of conflict to be piled on top of it.

Answer 2

I would recommend that you not take the baby, no matter what you have to do. I say this because my husband's grandmother passed away this time last year, and one of his cousins brought her baby. The kid howled through most of he service, which left most everyone else around them frustrated and angry. My husband's grandfather was in tears from his anger and grief and rage over the fact that this child was howling and not being taken out, which ruined the service for his wife of 50+ years. This also led to problems within the family - one side is shunning the mother and her child because they were so outraged - they have made sure that she is not invited to family get-togethers and she was deliberately not invited to a wedding. Another group sides with her and thinks it was okay for her to stay with a howling child. It's led to a lot of hard feelings and fights in the family, at a time when they should be pulling together.

You could check with other family members with small children and see if you can let your baby stay with one of their sitters, like a playdate for the little kids.

Answer 3

First, I have said this many,many times. I have seen lots of funerals in my time and believe a child under six as disrupted most. A child under that age should never be at a funeral regardless of circumstance. That also goes during ministery services. Most large churches has a either a nursery, or a child ministry. If the deceased is a grandfaughter, or dad, mother, or any relative the child can remember, by all means take him, her, to the "viewing". Leave the under 6 with a sitter, or friend...But to not take either to the final service.

Answer 4

Why not, suggest to her that you understand her grief and would love for her to be able to go but she can really help out more--if she would take care of your baby so you can go support your husband.

Suggest to her, perhaps she can go the day before to the wake--that is a better place than the funeral anyway to really say goodbye. That way you get to have it both ways.

Make it seem to her that she is doing you a huge favor by staying with the baby & you know that she's an amazing friend with a big heart & that is what you love most about her.

It would be such a great favor of her to help you guys during this most awful time.

sorry for your loss.

Answer 5

I think you can take the baby. I took my son when he was 1 month to my uncle's funeral, and my other son when he was 16 months to my grandmother's funeral. However, if you ask your family member to watch your baby that would be a good excuse not to take her. Just make her understand that you really feel like you can't take the baby, and you are depending on her to help you out.

Answer 6

as long as the baby is well behaved you can bring her you didn't say how old she is if she is still in the sleeping allot stage then she wont be a problem and there is something about seeing a new life when when you are mourning a loved one that makes people feel better as far as your family member you don't have to be mean you said she is the only one you would trust to baby sit so she cant be TOO immature

Answer 7

i don't think it's necessary to hurt her feelings by saying she's too immature. perhaps you can just say that your husband really needs your support and it wouldn't be appropriate to take your baby. could she please help you out by watching her. don't be dishonest about where you are going.

if she refuses, take your baby with you and if the baby fusses you can leave the room until you calm him/her down. your husband will understand if you have to leave momentarily.

as far as your family member attending ~ you can't really stop this either. if she insists on going you don't want there to be bad feelings for the family of the deceased ... let her go and pay her respects.

Answer 8

I think first you need to decide whether you want to go for sure. I think you should your husband needs you. I do not think going with your baby would work. Second you can tell your relative you need her as a babysitter and explain her that you understand that she wants to go but your husband really needs you. Also tell her it is a huge favor and she would make you very happy if she helped you out.

Bottom line make her feel like you care about her emotions and in no way you think you are better than her but you really do need her help. I think she will come through.

Good luck!

Answer 9

why don't you try telling her that 1) your husband would like you to be there for support 2) you don't want to bring the baby 3) you understand she really wants to go and she's upset about the death etc. but you have no other sitter options and was wondering if it would be too much to ask to ask her to stay home and sit.

Answer 10

I think you should go and just pay your respects at the funeral home and dont stay for the service! it would be ok to take the baby! Do you have family? Maybe they can help!