How do I teach my 6 year old son to take responsibility for his own actions?

Question

I also have a 3 year old and my oldest tends to blame his ornery behavior either on Nathan (the younger one) or on me. When Alex (6 year old) is behaving naughty, I usually make him stop what he is doing and put him in a timeout chair for about 5 minutes. He then gets mad at me and says I'm just being mean.

I am getting frustrated because even though I know he's kind of young, he should know the cause and effect of his own bad behavior. I am not putting him in timeout to be mean, I am disciplining him for bad behavior, i.e. yelling at his brother or throwing things in the house. I want him to learn that he is the one that makes his own choices to behave good or badly and he needs to realize that he's in timeout because of his own actions and not just because I feel like putting him in timeout. I have tried telling him these things but he still blames me or his little brother; what do I do to make him realize he's responsible for his own behavior and consequences?

When I put him in time out he will yell, "but you NEVER put Nathan in timeout, only ME!" when I try to rationalize with him, well Nathan wasn't misbehaving and he was. Or he will blame Nathan for his throwing things and say, "well HE was making me MAD!"

Answer 1

Remember, it's never too early to start....even with your three year old. Watch what you and your spouse (if applicable) are saying....do either of you have a tendency to blame how you feel on what's going on at work or something else?
Next, teach the kids about "I statements." Correct both of them when they are saying "He makes me mad." Ask them to be more specific. Tell them you want them to tell you why they are mad like this, "I am mad because he is playing with my toy."
Also, when things are calm and when they aren't fighting, tell them that you want to talk about responsibility and consequences. For the benefit of the younger one, ask him to repeat the words. Ask the older one if he knows what it means to be responsible and if he can think of a time where the consequences of his actions were good ("I hit the ball and made a home run") and when they were bad ("I hit my brother and I was grounded"). Tell them that it is better if they use "I statements" because it helps you understand exactly why they are upset/angry (it might be a bit too advanced for a three year old, but he'll mimic what everyone else in the family does). Make sure you are using the I statements as well. Also tell your boys about how even you and your spouse have to be responsible. If you see a policeman pull someone over, use it as another example, "the policeman pulled him over because he was driving dangerously. He could have hurt someone."
Ask them to point out situations they see and the consequences (good or bad).

Answer 2

Your problem might be a little deeper than you think? He blames his little brother for things he does wrong, or in some cases, you. It sounds to me that he is jealous. It is common between siblings, more over same sex siblings within a certain distance in age.

Just overlook a few things that are done wrong by Alex. I will let you be the judge of what to overlook but make sure it isn't too serious of an offense to overlook nor should you overreact about him dropping his fork (over-exaggeration).

Now there are some other methods of discipline i can extend to you that may serve you well.

-When your child acts out, give him a quick swat on the butt and let him know that what he is doing is wrong. Don't beat him but hit him as hard as it would take to get his attention. In fact, if you want, hit him with that intensity and then one more. It might take a few times to get him in line but you shouldn't have any problems with him afterwards.

-I notice that many parents try to institute the SuperNanny 911 methods into there disciplinarian work and while that is fine and dandy, she is not an end all answer to your problems. In fact, I personally feel that anyone that goes onto those shows are dumb. It's like going on the Jerry Springer show and announcing to the world that you slept with 100 men and half were related to you (in your case, being a bad mother). However, as much as i do not like that woman, some of the methods she uses do work. That whole naughty chair/stoop/stool works well but only on children younger than Alex.

-The best thing to do with a child Alex's age is to choose an appropriate reaction to take against Alex's actions (i.e. the dog wets on the carpet, you rub his nose in it). If Alex throws a toy across the room out of anger, then you throw Alex across the room. No, I am just messing with you, I wanted to see if you were reading this. Like I said before, judge every disciplinary action you take carefully so as to assess the problem at hand.

I hope I could be of service to you.

Answer 3

When your son is in a good mood ask him to lay out in front of you his 20 favorite toys.Don't tell him why you are doing this. Place these items in his toy box or carton if he has one.Then box up all his other toys. Tell him his 3 year old brother is younger and hasn't learned as much as he has.So he has to be more patient with him and maybe since he is the big brother he could teach him how to behave by showing him how to behave.Then tell your son when he does something wrong from now on he gets one warning. If he talks back, hits, kicks, screams he will have one of his toys taken away.Tell him he will only get the toy back when he has been good say for two days.Be sure to praise him when he does well and does something kind for his little brother..I swear the more you praise him he will just glow and try to be better.Be sure you have someplace you can lock up his toys that have been taken. Even if you have to take all his toys stick with it. You should see a big difference in just one week.Good Luck!

Answer 4

Sounds more like you have a child who's a bit jealous. It's perfectly natural, especially when you have a younger child who does require more attention. Have you tried giving Alex some one on one time so that he feels he's still special in your eyes? Kids are rather funny how they percieve things and he probably doesn't understand why Nathan requires more of your time. We know it's not that we love one child more than the other, but they don't get it.

As for Alex learning how to take responsibilty for his own actions, that's something that comes with time. As long as you keep outlining the consequences and punishing him for his actions, he'll grab the net eventually.

Answer 5

It's hard knowing the right thing to do as a parent, isn't it? First, I think maybe you could be expecting a little too much out of him at this point. At this age, they are still learning consequences of their actions. The best way for him to realize this consistently is to talk to him about his choices and what other choice he could have made when he did what he did. Being consistent is going to be your best asset right now...he won't get the message if you punish him for a behavior today and let it by with it tomorrow. You're doing fine...take a deep breath (trust me, I know it can be frustrating) and know it's going to be okay. Good Luck!

Answer 6

Is he a little jealous that his little brother because he's younger and needs a lot of attention? Tell him that you love him but bad behavior is unacceptable. Be firm about this, show him that naughty behavior and blaming it back on you doesn't get him anything.

Answer 7

The time out stuff is ok, but remember, you are a mother, you should know if you are putting enough attention to your son and that you are not causing a conflict between your two kids by making preferences. Being a parent is a hard stuff and no-one teaches us, I suggest to hear your heart and follow your mother's instinct. Play with your kids, listen to them, make them know how important are they for you.

Answer 8

Don't try to convince him you are dong the logical, proper thing, just do it. He's playing a game with you to see if you'll relent (and make you feel guilty). You don't have to justfiy your discipline procedures to him, just carry them out. He'll get the message a whole quicker if you don't even respond--just extend the time out time when he argues or complains. Kids are a WHOLE lot smarter and more manipulative (if you let them be that way) than you thnk.

Answer 9

when you put him in time out you need to ask him .. " why do you think I am putting you in time out" and he will say i dunno or his brother did it or your mean whatever then you tell him no that is not why and tell him what his behavior was that was unacceptable and then say and that's why you need a time out so you can think about what you did and how you can do it different next time.... i have 7 kids they blame each other also but if you let them know that you are no nonsense and you make them listen to what they did and explain why it was naughty then they will think twice next time around... good luck

Answer 10

Impose a tougher penalty for when he does not admit to his own mistakes and explain to him - extra time in time-out, longer time without a favorite toy, etc. Explain to him that if he only admitted his responsibility then he would have had an easier penalty (or none in some cases).