When should we tell our grandson & how?

Question

My grandson has a different father to my grand-daughter although he has been with him since my grandson was 3mth old. We know there has to be a time when we tell him the truth, the problem is when & how do we do it? My Grandson is 7yrs old & his sister is 5yrs old & my daughter is now on her own with them through no fault of her own (for 12mth now) They do see their father but not too often as he is very depressed. Any advice?

Ssome of these responses are sooo helpfull....but as for those of you who think I am interfearing - I'm not ! My daughter has asked for my advice & I want to give her the best advice I can. I get really p....d off at no it alls who think their uneducated opinion matters! Thank you to all those who are offerinf good advice. :)

Answer 1

I believe honesty is always best and that telling him sooner rather than later could be beneficial ,as a small child has there own way of looking at things.Sit him down and explain that sometimes children have 2 dads one who is biological and one who chose to have the little boy and that he is one of the lucky ones as he has 2 dads too and that when he was born his real dad couldn't look after him so his new daddy did he will question you so be aware but it will work out fine believe me. I was in the same position and told my son when he was 8 he seemed to understand, and he is now 18 and holds no hatred towards me or the man he thought was his father. and as he said " i only tried to do what i thought was best for him"

Answer 2

I think your grandson is too young to understand what you would be telling him so i think it best to wait until hes older. There will never be a good time but i still believe he should be told when he can understand. U should also be careful that the real father wont hurt your grandson and if it is a possibility then your grandson should be aware of this incase he decides he wants to find his real dad. I hope that it all goes well and i do feel for you all as this is a very hard situation.

Best Wishes xxxx

Answer 3

I'm no expert but one thing i am certain about is be careful with this issue(speaking from experience, it can be explosive), after all no matter what age you discover this it always hurts. As you grow up in what you thought was a stable environment, having two parents which you think are biological and then you find out that one or both arent your biological parent(s), this truth of this matter rocks a child's foundations on which they have built their life( this will also effect siblings) and soon the bond will start to fade with the questions. Do they/he/she love me ? have they/he/she EVER loved me ? WILL they/he/she EVER so the child will need reassurance as in my own life this issue is still present and circumstances are different from yours (we grew up with both parents and the sibling who was effected was caught up thinking that she had a loving family and everything was perfect, just like us all which made it more hurtful) and the out come is not yet clear although the hurtful secret is out i extremely advise to approach this area with caution and if possible does your grandson really need to know . i understand that for your self this might seem wrong but for me if my siblings and i never knew it would not of made any difference and none of us would have been left heartbroken.

Answer 4

In my opinion I wouldn't tell him now. This is a hard question to answer because I am going through the same with my 5 year old daughter. She has ask me about her dad,and I keep giving her excuses as to why he's not around. I have oictures of him and she knows what he looks like. When she's old enough to know that question I would sit down and tell her. Is there ever a right time to crush the image of someone that he/she looks up to.

Answer 5

That is such a difficult position to be in. I can only guess that it would be better not to leave things too late, so that you and your daughter are not made out to be the bad ones by keeping this from him. When the time is right you should do it together, I am sure your daughter will know when the time is right and will need all your support. Is that not what Mum's are for.

Answer 6

answer with honesty. go away the critiques out of it except they ask you on your opinion about the comprehensive ingredient. If the daddy replaced into an alcoholic then it truly is what he's. Why conceal it. you'll not conceal it if he replaced right into a conflict hero or a not straightforward worker. the actuality is harsh yet i do not understand why people favor to guard people a lot. the way I see that's you may both tell me the actuality or i'll make certain the actuality. once i stumble upon that's as a lot as me to both settle for it or denied suggested actuality. even if I settle for it or denied that's inconsequential because the actuality remains the actuality no be counted what someone needs to trust after understanding it.

Answer 7

I find the question very confusing. You say the children have different fathers but they see him. Who do they see, and who is depressed? Is your daughter totally blameless? The decision to tell the children that they have different fathers has to be made by your daughter. I think I would be depressed if my mother-in-law (or common law mother-in-law) was so preoccupied with my family's relationships. Maybe that's why your daughter is now on her own with the children?

Answer 8

It's down to your daughter to tell them. ( added)..I was told when i was 19 that my brother had a different father, i won't go into the reason why i was told but i remember feeling kicked in the stomach but very shortly after i thought nothing has changed i have a great relationship with my brother, so all i wanted to do is the next time that i saw him to tell him i knew and nothings changed.

Answer 9

I think he is grown up enough to be told now. Do you know where his actual father is, as he will obviously ask who he actually is. The longer you leave it the harder it will become, and the more he will wonder why you left it so long. My cousin is 24 and she thinks her 'dad' is her dad, whereas i know the truth, which i really wish i didnt, as it is now too late for her life to be changed in such a way. good luck to yuo.

Answer 10

i was 7 when i was told... but i think before secondary school.. how you tell him is difficult, he will possibly be missing his dad still right now, so to suddenly find out that the father you are missing is not even your dad, may have a double whammy on him. he may think that two dads have gone and its all his fault.. you should talk with your daughter about timing and the whys and wherefores.. good luck.