How can you teach a 12 year old boy to respect his parents.?

Question

I don't want to smack him, I usually ground him and send him to his room,but now that dosen't seem to work, as he swears at me, pushes me about, and answers me back all the time. This only happens when my husband isn't about.

1) He is my son, I am his mum.
2) My husband and I talk about everything and he tells him off and talks to him.
3)My husband dosen't swear or push me about at all.
4)He has recently got like this through, I think school kids (being at school).
5) I don't believe in smacking any child.
6)I have a daughter too she is 7,and he is horrible to her most of the time,sometimes and only sometimes he is nice to her,and that is only when he wants something from her,or for her to do something for him.
7)He was bullied at school, for quite a while. But at the moment that has stopped. And because of this he finds it hard to make any friends.
8)We taught him to respect us, he was good and did as he was told. This behaviour has only started in the last year of primary school and the begining of secondary school things have got alot worse for both of us parents.
9) We have tried most things out already like mouth washing when he swears. Taking items like Playstation, gameboy off him.

When he is good, we then reward him.
We do lots of things with him, take him out places, buy him lots of treats.
Then when he is bad he is sent to his room, but this he doses go to his room, then we say to him why do you think that you have been sent to your room.

HE WAS TAUGHT THIS LONG AGO. HE WAS A GOOD AND POLITLE AND NICE BOY. THIS HAS ONLY HAPPENED BECAUSE OF SCHOOL.

Answer 1

Both you and your husband need to present him with a united front. Sit him down.Tell him calmly you will NOT tolerate his behaviour and attitude towards you. Tell him he has a choice. If he chooses to change his attitude he keeps his priveledges. If he does not they will be removed. So the choice is his to make. Does he have a TV in his bedroom? Remove it. Does he have playstations, computer, xbox? Remove them. What does he like doing? If he is involved with football clubs or something like that, cancel them. He has to realised that he lives with you and no the other way about. If he behaves well say for a week, then make a big thing of it. Give him his telly back, but with the proviso that if he slips, then it will be removed again. Restore his priviledges gradually as he deserves them and always praise his good behaviour. It all sounds so goody goody I know but taking away what he likes is the only answer and you have to be tough to maintain it. No pocket money, or a reduced amount, for instance. It has to be something that you and your husband do together. He cannot be allowed to think he can get away with playing one of you off against the other. sorry. this probably isnt very helpful!

Answer 2

To start with, there's no shame in seeking some authority reinforcement and transferance from your husband. Wait for or contrive (with your husband) a situation in which he misbehaves without realising your husband is listening. Your husband enters and explodes, about not talking/behaving to you like that. His anger is likely to be real, and frightening to your son. The lesson may need to be repeated if the behaviour has been going on a while. But don't abuse this transferred authority, he is starting to grow up.

Later, at an appropriate time, maybe the three of you should sit down and work out some "house rules" about unacceptable behaviour such as swearing, shouting and pushing. Discuss why everyone benefits from controlling any inclinations to such behaviour. Agree what happens if someone breaks one of the rules.

Answer 3

Oh dear poor you,you must bring some discipline in to his life,but it could be a bit late for that now,but its worth a try, also give back as much as you get,if he pushed me around he would get the same back plus some form of a punishment,if you have not told your husband you must tell him,because before you know it you will a first class yob on your hands,at 12 he should no better than to push you about,i wouldn't hesitate to give him a thick ear,but no you should not hit anyone about the head,but try his backside,it worked with my son,but that was from when he was little,with just little smacks,i hope you have not left this too late,if so there is help out there,and you need to get it now,as he really seems out of control now,i wish you the best of luck with your son,have you tried having a good talk to him,sorry i am sure you will have tried that,good luck anyway

Answer 4

if it only happens when your husband is not around, then this must mean that the boy respects your husband, but not you.

In other words he will probably only listen if your husband talks to him, I mean talks to him seriously, about this.

It will have to be pretty serious and hard, because based on what you are saying the poor boy is totally out of control. Of course you should never have let things develop that way but the past cannot be undone.

If your husband cares about this problem, and if he intervenes seriously with the boy, then you should see an improvement. Not only must he speak with him, he must also promise punishment should this ever happen again - and if does happen then he must be true to his word. For example a present could NOT be given on a birthday, or a plan the boy was really looking forward to could be cancelled, you name it.

If your husband doesn't care, then I'm afraid you're doomed. And so is the boy, because a 12 year old who behaves the way you describe is preparing himself to be an outcast, will not fit in many (any) jobs, and so on.

Good luck

Answer 5

Hey samleigh,

Ah, I use to teach Kempo Karate. Respect is "treating other people the way I want to be treated". That is the Golden Rule taught by every major religion known to man.

That gives rise to statements like 'an eye for an eye', etc. Tit for Tat, and yes, "turn the other cheek"

You could get angry, but better to get Smart! Aside from his outside influences, he is entering the Rebelious age! So, good you recognize and seek help to learn how to share respect with him.

Sit down with him and listen! Let him talk - lead the way, by showing that you are listening. This is very important. There are a couple books 'Listen so kids will talk' and 'Talk so kids will listen' - you need to show him that if he cooperates, you cooperate. Your husband needs to be in on this with you. If your son swears at you, you and your husband need to have set the stage that your son will not get something he is use to getting (computer, TV, music, etc). You pay for that stuff, and he should learn that if he simply follows the rules, all will be better.

The pushing needs to be addressed with your Husband also, since you both must agree on the way to dicipline.

You might enroll him at a Karate school - he might like it, and they will work with you to help him learn respect.

Answer 6

If he doesnt have any respect now-I kinda think it may be too late.
I think anything I say will sound patronising. I have a 12 yr old and a 15 yr old (both boys) sometimes they try it on, always they are put in their place, always their father and I talk it through with them. Sounds like he is just growing up trying to be a man-he may have problems at school with bullying and be trying to assert himself at home-have you spoken with him about how you feel? Obviously he sees you as the easy one, your husband needs to be informed and you need to tackle it together (united front). You shouldn't need to smack him-He'll only ring childline or social services and rightly so. you are being victimised, let him know he cannot treat you like that,have to ask does his father treat you that way? His father should point out that this is not an acceptable way for a young man to behave, maybe you could get a community police officer to talk to him too you know about consequences of his actions and such. Threaten to drugs test him too.

Answer 7

Start discipline earlier. Although at age 12 is usually when kinds start acting out against their parents, swearing and disrespecting them is uncalled for and usually a result of lax parenting beginning when they were young children.
Obviously he respects your husband - start having him respect you. What does your husband do to command that respect? If he knows he can push you over to get his way, he will. Find something of great importance to use as discipline. Take away the computer and tell him if he needs to use it for school then he can visit his school's computer lab or the local library.

Answer 8

As a child, the threat of a smack was enough, I never actually received one, but so long as I thought that mum or dad was serious then I would stop acting up immediately.

My brother however received a sharp slap to the back of his legs once, and this was enough for him.

It wont teach respect, but will act as a warning not to misbehave as you would warn any animal/mammal with a fright of types. A dog gets a tug on the lead during training.

Answer 9

That kid needs discipline no wonder he doesn't listen you need to show him older people get respect doesn't matter if they are your parents or not people need to have respect so maybe you made a mistake not teaching him when he was little now the consequences come so i don't now if he wants to listen to you anymore i think is late but never say never grounding him doesn't work make him do chores around the house something hard for him so he realized want he is doing wrong. I hope it helps.

Answer 10

He needs discipline definitely, a very firm hand and a firm spanking (I know all about those who will say its not correct, I was caned occasionally by my Dad, and I loved and respected him till the day he died).

He earned my respect by showing love all the time and being very, very consistent. I knew the boundaries and would never have even used the word 'bloody' in front of my parents, let alone at them - I did once, but never again and I am a better person for it.