Help with the in-laws?

Question

My in-laws have a second home about an hour away from where we live. My husband is their only son and they constantly rely on him to take care of anything in both homes that requires physical labor since both of them have some physically-limiting conditions. This weekend there are things that need immediate attention in our own home (we just discovered a snake den) yet my in-laws insist that my hubby go to home #2 this weekend and remove the dock from the water. I've talked to my husband before about putting his foot down and figuring out some alternative ways to get them some help (hiring someone, etc.) but he feels guilty saying no to them. By the way, we also have a 1-year-old who loves his daddy time on the weekends. My husband is stretched and I don't know what to do.

Answer 1

Boy have I been in your situation. I hate to tell you this but the only one that can do anything about this is your husband. It is up to him to set his limits and bounderies. If you force the issue, it becomes a serious problem between you two. Does, your husband feel stressed by this situation? Is he ok with it?

My husband finally had to tell his parents that he just couldn't be stretched that far. I will admit they were not happy with us for about a year, but when they finally came around, it has been pretty good.

I know your husband my feel that it's his duty to help his parents, but his first obligation is to you and your son. The older your son gets the more time he will want with daddy. When he is old enough to go with daddy on these errands thats fine and that time will come before you know it, but for now, he could tell his parents that he has to slow down, his health, his marriage and his family is at stake if he dosen't devote time and attention to them.

His parents do rely on him too much and it may take a neutral thrid party to gently tell them that. If they have a second home, then money is probably not in question. So finding someone they can pay to do this would be the real answer.

I know it's not easy, we went through fights and arguments over this for a few years to say the least. When our second child came along, it became clear to my husband that his place and his priority was us, not his parents.

Find a time to talk to your husband tell him your concerns - honestly. He may well understand, but only he can work this out. He just needs to know how you feel coming from your heart. You have very valid ad soild reason. I wish I had better advice for you. With any luck, someone here will have a better answer, but in the mean time realize that it's out of your hands and in your husbands. Good Luck hon!

Answer 2

There should be a compromise here somewhere. Allow me to tell you my thoughts. I can see where you are frustrated, understandable. But as some of the above posters have mentioned, his parents won't be around forever and after they are gone he will feel guilty, for sure, been there. Where is the lake at? It is not gonna freeze anytime too soon, that dock can wait a weekend or two. And there is no reason the little tyke can't go with daddy to grandparents house. You really do need to get those snakes out. And, really it sounds to me like they are lonesome and dream up things for him to do to get some attention from him. Or.....they are controlling. Or both. Granted, your immediate family needs to spend some quality alone time together. I might suggest every other weekend for parents and the alternating with your little one and yourself. And how old are the parents? Next time they call just simply say " I have a whole list of HONEY DO'S for him to do here, how about next weekend, we can all come out and spend sometime together and I can help him" Just a suggestion.

Answer 3

Being the only boy in the family is a big responsibility. And your in-laws have done a great job in guilting him to oblige. Your husband is only trying to do the right thing honey. And since he's been doing it for so long, he doesn't want to let them down. I know it's hard, I know it's a pain in the butt, but they aren't going to be around forever. I do agree that the situation does need to be prioritized. Simply explain to the inlaws that the snake den trumps the dock since winter isn't here yet, and the dock can be done another time.

Answer 4

Good luck - I know they can be bothersome.

Remember it isn't your job to talk to the in-laws about this. Don't burn any bridges, It's his parents and he will do what is best.

By the way do they let you use that house and or the boat ?

Go with him, spend some time away from your house..

Hire someone else to take care of the snake den.

Your husband is doing the right thing and you should respect him for it.
.

Answer 5

I know this sounds bad but his parents won't be around forever. I was just like you. My mother in law passed away and Im glad for my husband that I never gave him hell for helping her every weekend. She didnt drive so we took her everywhere. Im sure your husband doesnt even want to do this stuff but he is the only son and they should be able to rely on him. Your 1 yr old won't even remember that daddy was gone one day a weekend. Also he needs to do the things in your house though it will be hard yes but his parents need him.

Answer 6

Have you spoken to the in laws about the problem? If not maybe you should speak with them and remind them that you and your son, and your own home need his attention too, and that hiring someone to help at their houses would be best for them and you. Not sure if it will work, but you can give it a try.

Answer 7

i have learned no matter what you do or say......you will never be good enough for your in laws. your husband needs to put his foot down and say i cant this weekend but maybe next weekend i need to do a few things around the house. so he isnt saying no he just is saying not this weekend but next weekend.

Answer 8

Sorry, but he is just going to have to learn to say 'no'. It's most unfair of his parents to take him away from his wife and child and his own home, especially if he has offered to pay for professional help. He must be honest with them and say he just can't do it - otherwise this situation will drag on for years.