My husband isn't my daughters biological father........?

Question

We feel that we need to let her know. She is eleven years old and has been asking many question to her grandparents. Like where was her daddy when she was younger. Hes not in baby photos and bday photos. So we know we need to talk with her about it. We just don't know how. My husband adopted her when she was five. He has been in her live since she was two and half. She has never known anyone else to be her father. If anyone has any advice on this please leave a serious answer.

Answer 1

I feel for you. I went through this exact same thing with my daughter, who is now 13. I waited until I felt she was ready to hear the truth. (She was 11 also) As much as I wanted to keep it from her, I did tell her. My husband hasn't adopted her, but he has been in her life since she was 14 months old. Her bio dad wouldn't allow that to happen, but he has made no effort to see his daughter, either. My daughter had questions, like what does he look like, where is he now, etc. etc. I had some old pictures of us when we were in high school, prom pics, senior pics, etc. that I saved for that moment. Truthfully, her bio dad is a piece of crap, he has made comments to my lawyer and in court that he has no intention of spending any time with her, but he won't sever his parental rights so my husband, HER DAD, can adopt her. I didn't tell my daughter that, I knew it would crush her to pieces. I asked her if she wanted to see him, her response was no, he's not my dad, my dad is sitting right here. I applaud your husband for taking your daughter to be his own. What a wonderful man he is.

To those of you who say she should have told her daughter sooner, if you haven't been in that situation before, you don't know what it is like. It is truly the hardest thing I have ever had to do when it came to making decisions about my kids. Her circumstances may be different, which makes this an even more delicate situation.

Answer 2

I have many, many friends whose children are adopted and also know several women who gave birth to children that were later adopted by their new husbands. Yes, it would have been better to have gently told your daughter this information all along as she was growing up. Openness is best and less shocking for everyone. However you can't change the past. I'd highly recommend looking in the library or large local bookstores for how to talk to children about adoption. "Talking with Young Children about Adoption" by Mary Watkins and Susan Fisher is a highly rated book on this subject. Read the book and talk to your husband about it. Even though your daughter is only half adopted, she still will have many thoughts, feelings, and questions now and in the future about why her birth father gave up custody of her and what him & his family might be like. Also consider buying your daughter a few age appropriate books that have adopted children as the main charactors (make sure you ensure the book handles adoption in a positive, healthy way before you buy it!) It's not easy talking to young children about adoption but preparing yourself ahead of time will help you break it more gently to your daughter. Good Luck!

Answer 3

Tell her the truth, but do it in a very "matter of fact" way, and explain that the daddy that she knows is the daddy that took care of her, but a different daddy is the one that actually gave her life. You also need to let her know that the daddy that takes care of her is more important and that you love her anyway and you don't care. Chidren are a lot more understanding than adults give them credit for. If you present it as if it is no big deal, then that is the impression she will get. You might want to also time this announcement to a time when it would be the easiest for her to accept. Kids are very resilient - it is the parents who are probably more worried about this than the child. You might even want to tell her that she is very lucky, because she has two daddies and mommies instead of only one! ;)

Answer 4

well the way I would do it would be to wait till she was in a good mood and sit her down and gently say you have something very important to tell her,, and that it does not affect the way anyone feels about her , and just be upfront with her. Let her know that any fool can be a father but it takes a real man to be a dad. Be prepared for her to get mad and hate you and all that, but she will get over it . Love conquers all in the end, it will be all right :) My daughter does not know her dad , so I've kinda dealt with a similar thing. Just be gentle and understanding if she's mad. Just tell her the truth about her real dad no matter how bad it is,, believe me it's the best thing, if you keep telling fibs to protect her, you end up doing more harm than good in the long run.Cheers!!

Answer 5

I went through this personally. My "Dad" adopted me when I was 5 also. He has been there with me doing everything from teaching me to ride a bike, to letting me cry on his shoulder when my high school sweetheart when off to the Marines, to walking me down the isle wen I got married.

I was told right from the start though. I am glad for it. I was actually allowed to go and visit my bio-father's parents when I was about 13 and have been close with them ever since.

Unfortunately, my bio-father has chosen not to tell my half-sister & brother that I exist and did not even come to my wedding a few years ago.

I am still close with my Grandfather, Aunt and Uncle and I am very happy for it!!

I guess the way I would approach it is that her "step-father" is her dad and always will be but this is where she came from. Biology tends to be very important as a sense of self as well as medically. When she gets older doctors may ask her for a medical history. I couldn't really give mine because I didn't know him at all!!

Now that I am pregnant, I am going to introduce my daughter to her great-grandfather and great aunt and uncle but her grandfather will have to play a bigger role in Mommy's life before he can meet Mollie.

I hope this helped!!

Answer 6

My niece was in the same situation. Her husband adopted her daughter. She is now 7 years old, but they had told her a while back.

You and your husband should take out some photos of your wedding or sometime when he first came into your life and discuss that time with your daughter. Don't force this discussion though, wait until the next time she is curious about it.

Answer 7

First, I have to say you must have an amazing husband to so fully accept your daughter into his life as his own daughter.

I think this should be handled truthfully with some level of tact, without trashing the biological father. That'll do much more harm than good. She doesn't need to know the nitty gritty details, but reassurance that your husband loves her and she will always be his little girl should suffice. I can't really think of how to word it, maybe someone else will be able to give ideas on what exactly to say.

Answer 8

Definitely tell her asap. She is old enough to understand. I think that you should have told her a long time ago, as she has a right to know. Explain to her that the man she knows as "daddy" still is daddy and that does not change that he loves her and that the three of you are a family. I think she's going to feel betrayed when she finds out, since she should have been told from the beginning.

Answer 9

My best friend had to have that same conversation with her kids when the youngest was 10 & the oldest 13.
I think she made the right choice.
Be ready to honestly answer any question she may have, it will be very confussing for her.
Especially I think to you most of all, she will still cling to her dad but she may have some frustration towards you, she may feel lied to. That all depends on you family life. She may have feelings already about this and that's why she's asking questions.

Answer 10

Talk to her about adoption and hear her opinion on it before you break the news
reienforce to her the children who are adopted are very lucky because they were choosen
you and your husband need to tell together
he can expalin that her how he has always dream of having a little and when he met her he just felt in Love
also remember she is going to have ? abotu her biological father
you need to get ready for so may aswers
Good Luck,