What to do about someone who asks for specific gifts?

Question

It is the grandchildren of a friend, they are twins and 1 year old.I have seen the twins once, and the daughter does not keep in contact with me. Listed on the invitation are the toys she wants for the twins, and the ones she already has. They are expensive. So, here is the question, do I tell her mother I will buy what I want or not at all? Give her a gift certificate and tell her to go buy what she wants? I think that is so rude to list things like that. Like I do not have the sense to call and ask. And cost is a factor, I have only just gone back to work after a long abscence, and money is tight, I do not have $60 per kid for these toys. What do I do? I value the grandmothers friendship, but I hate to think that friendship is based on my gift buying potential.

Answer 1

Telling the mother 'I'll buy what I want or not at all' is a little bold & inappropiate. (Although I know how you feel!!! Would love to see someone actually do that but wouldn't do it myself).
I think the best way to handle that would be to give some money in a nice card or a gift certificate. And if it's not within thier fancy price range, so what! You gave a gift that you could handle financially & from your heart. At least you did something right? If they didn't appreciate it, I'd let them know how it made me feel. And i'd also let them know how rude it is to list gifts to bring as if that is all that will be appreciated or accepted.
If the amount you spend on a gift is all that keeps the friendship afloat...I'd have to let it go...it's superficial & fake & materialistic!
None of those things are good grounds for a friendship anyway.

Answer 2

Strange why someone would put something like that on an invitation.

First, gifts are just a symbolic way of telling someone you appreciate something, they are given out of generosity. Gifts should be in the form of surprises, not with a given list.

Second, $60 dollars are way too much for a kid.

Lastly, relationships should not be based on your purchasing power. I think it is not appropriate for someone to ask you expensive gifts for a kid you barely even know.

Take the gift list on the invitation merely as guidelines on what you will buy. Give gifts because you want to give, not just to fulfill someone's desire.

If you can't think of any other inexpensive gift alternative. I guess the gift certificates would be enough. Have fun buying.

Answer 3

Hi, I am from China. Maybe there are some differences between the two cultures. It is impolite for the daughter to do this. But I think you'd better communicate with your friend and let her know your unease. And the friendship is based on good communications, isn't it? You could buy something you want to buy, because it is your privilege. To make everyone satisfied is not wise. Of course, you can make an excuse that your have lost the invitation and felt very sorry, so all you can do is to give the twins the thing you think suit to them.

Answer 4

I like your idea of buying a gift certificate. Give whatever you feel is appropriate.

Perhaps you could even just call and mention, "I appreciate your trying to make it easy for us to buy gifts for the kids by listing the ones you'd like on the invitation. Money's tight right now, though, and I can't afford any of the ones you've listed. I wonder if here would be okay?"

Also, you could turn down the invitation to the party. You're not obligated to give a gift for a party you didn't attend.

Answer 5

If I were you and have only seen the twins once and the daughter does not keep in touch with you, I would not go to the party and not buy any gifts. That's ridiculous. Your friend should understand if she's a real friend. A person can only do so much and should not feel obligated to buy gifts for people you hardly know.

Answer 6

If I were you I won't accept the invitation and therefore has no need to get them gifts. I would limit my socialising to your friend and don't have anything to do with the daughter and grandchildren.

However, if you want to attend, then give them gift certificates of the amount you can afford $10-20 each is very reasonable, considering your relationship with the daughter.

Answer 7

Friendship should not be based on money. You should give them a gift certificate for whatever you can afford and think is appropriate. If the grandmother is a true friend you will remain friends.

Answer 8

You are not a gift-issuing ATM machine, a device that spits out gifts on demand!

Your connection to these children and their mother is distant at best, and you should feel no obligation to give them anything, particularly given how rude and presumptuous their mother is being. Chances are that even if you adhered to the tacky gift-giving guidelines, your generousity would not be appreciated or acknowledged.

And yes, your friendship with the children's grandmother should not be based on your gift-buying potential.

If you wish to give the children anything at all, a card should be quite sufficient.

Answer 9

Spend what you can afford, and feel like spending. I'd go with the gift certificate. That way they can buy what they want, and use your gift certificate to help with the cost.

You're right, what they did was rude. Just don't stoop to their level and react negatively. Just be gracious and give the certificate and leave it alone.

Answer 10

If they are 1yr old, I doubt they are even going to remember what you get them. I would say get them some nice stuffed animals that way they can have them until they are 30. That's the only thing I ever remember getting that I still have today. Forget whats on the list.