I have been dating my boyfriend since 1/04 and ever since my daughter who is 8 has been giving him a hard time. Rude and disrespectful, her father tells her she does not have to respect him because he is NOT her father, he almost stopped dating my because of it but loves me too much to give up, oh there is sooo much I could get into but Ill keep it short. I just had a baby with him and we are sooo in love. My daughter is a lil better since she knows he is going to be around cause of the baby but she still has not opened up to him, still disrespectful at times. Im trying so hard. She only acts up when he is around I dont wanna spank her over it because I dont want her to blame him for it or think Im choosing him over her. Ive talked for 2 1/2 years but uh no success, and her dad STILL GIVES US HELL. My boyfriend gets sad a lot because he tries so hard but now he feels like he cant keep trying, he wants me to be more strict but I voiced my concern with that. What do you all think
2006-09-07 19:51:05 · 9 answers · asked by Porsha 2 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
Yup Ive mentioned that possibility to her. The reason we arent married is because we are cleaning our credit, and I know she is an issue too...he questions or making it with her acting the way she does.
2006-09-07 19:59:14 · update #1
Yup Richard! Did that too...see the problem is her DAD! I told her she needs to respect him because he is an ADULT!
2006-09-07 20:00:47 · update #2
Okay...alwaysbombed...she told me "how do u know he wont hurt u or cheat on u?" I told her I dont thinks he will she said "BUT U DONT KNOW THAT AND I DONT WANT TO SEE U HURT"
2006-09-07 20:02:50 · update #3
I have gone through the same thing on every date I have been on .But one guy did break the ice with her(my11 daughter)He picked her up sat her down on her but on the sofa got at eye level and explained to her about respecting others and How much life would improve if her mom was happy.I also tape record how she behaves so (dad cannot use it against me in anyway in the future)Bye the end of the date she was the one who asked him to come back again sometime in the future.
2006-09-07 21:38:34 · answer #1 · answered by tired mom 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Why don't you ask your daughter why she doesn't like your boyfriend? She needs to get a few things out in the open, and also needs to learn that respect for another person has nothing to do with who or what that person is. It's just a matter of common courtesy. But do talk this through with your daughter otherwise the problem will remain unresolved which could cause even more difficulty.
2006-09-07 19:58:55 · answer #2 · answered by Richard B 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
for one your daughter is probably jealous. which is why she acts up when he is around. have you tried doing fun things together, so she can see he is fun too.
maybe her father is jealous or immature. what adult tells a child "you don't have to respect him he's not your father"! does your boyfriend live with you?, if he does then she jolly well respects him. even if he doesn't.
maybe sit your daughter down and talk about things, the two of you, and simply ask her what the matter is.
on one hand you want her to respect your boyfriend (which is respecting you) and on the other her father saying it doesn't matter. what would you do? maybe she's doing it to make her father happy. after all if he is saying that, what else is he saying?
2006-09-07 20:14:36 · answer #3 · answered by helen s 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Its always a complicated thing when mothers bring in boyfriends . Someone else on here has a problem with eight-year-old daughters (one is hers/one is his
I think you need to set some boundaries.
You have to make sure your daughter understands that she shouldn't mouth off to anyone, especially someone who is older.
You should say to her that you know he isn't her father, and he isn't going to pretend to be her father or any version of a father to her; but just don't mouth off to him out of general decency as a human being.
You need to tell the boyfriend he has no say whatsoever over your daughter. He is not to have an opinion about her or what you do with her either. He is not a fill-in father. She is your child and her own father's child, and the boyfriend is just someone that she should be polite to.
You need to tell the father that you've made it clear to the boyfriend that he isn't a make-believe father and will have no say over anything when it comes to the child. In view of that reassurance he needs to work with you when it comes to asking your daughter not to mouth off at adults. That's not much to ask as long as the boyfriend isn't putting his two cents in on what your child should be doing or what you should be doing with your child.
Little girls like to be so close to their mothers. They think of themselves and their mothers as a team or best friends in a way. She probably does feel that you brought around an outsider, and now you have a baby that will make her yet more of an outsider. Don't expect her to "open up to him". She didn't go out and find him and bring him home.
With regard to your saying you don't want to hit her over her acting up because you don't want her to blame him for it....
If you start hitting her because she is acting up what you would be doing is hitting her over the fact that she is having problems right now and is acting out. Regardless of whether she'd blame him or not, this would be a betrayal of her by you because she is the child and she has a right to your understanding that she is obviously having a hard time.
I would be very concerned over the boyfriend who wants you to be more strict. That's a classic boyfriend thing when there's a child around, and it often turns out to be disastrous and dangerous for the child. It isn't their child. They far from love the child. One day they just lose it and do something they shouldn't.
Your mentioning that you have the baby and are so in love with guy is kind of interesting, because from the tone of your question you definitely come across as if your daughter is the problem in your life. A little girl (or boy) needs the mother to stand up for her and put her first before everyone else (unless there are siblings of course) and protect her as much as possible. You never mentioned in your writing that you love your little girl "sooooo" much. You talk about how sad your boyfriend is, but you have never said how sad or upset your little girl must be.
If her father has a different living arrangement might it be better for her to live with her father, and then you and the boyfriend and your new baby could just do your own thing without its being complicated by a little girl who has essentially been made an outsider, even if you didn't intend for that to be the case?
I know there may be a hint of judgmentalism in my words, and I don't mean it to be that way. I just can't help but kind of side with your little girl because - you, yourself, said she only acts up when he's around. What does that tell you? I can't help but think if you're boyfriend hasn't managed to become better friends with her in over two years he's got some problem - not she. Of course, maybe I'm wrong.
Children see things very simply and in black and white often. She may just think there should be a mother and a father who are married and live with their children in one home. She may figure if you're only dating this guy he's just a boyfriend and there will be another boyfriend after him.
Anyway, good luck. Maybe a counselor could give you some better ideas that I've been able to.
2006-09-07 20:58:09 · answer #4 · answered by WhiteLilac1 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
All she want is attention, give her some time to understand, my elder son which is six years old now, do the same thing to his step father too, and ask him out of the house when we are just together. Now, their are so close that the two boys dun need me at all. I just had a baby boy, and the two brother love him too. Of course the two boys father also teach them a lot of thing and told them that I will not love them anymore because mummy had another baby. I told them is not true. Your boyfriend need to show her a lot of love and caring and he had to proof that he wil love you and will not hurt you. Please dun give up on her.
2006-09-07 20:33:20 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
in case you imagine you'll not be in a position to settle for his new child then dont... you're not from now on selfish yet you want to take a sensible determination. are you able to settle for his new child and love him as if he replaced into your own? you want to be particular of what you want. very few women persons might want to assert convinced actual :) yet when he's an outstanding human being then you definately might want to agree. and also you'd be pleased with your self in case you convey some happiness in that youngster's existence :) trust me...
2016-11-25 20:16:29 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I did the same thing with my mother.
Your daughter needs to know that you love her dearly, and the man you are bringing into her life is good enough for you.
You must show that the man you are dating is worthy of you and her attention.
He must show her he is worthy of your attention.
I know, because i hated every boyfriend my mom had. and I wanted this attention from both!
If you don't think he's the one for you, do not bring him around her, it will only confuse her more.
Be there for your daughter, her association with men that you choose to be around her makes a difference, because the dad is not around, her socialization with men in the future depends on you making choices for her to see the choices you make in the future for men that she should be comfortable with.
2006-09-07 19:59:31 · answer #7 · answered by alwaysbombed 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You and your daughter need some counseling together. Her school counselor might be able to help.......when you guys figure out what her issue is she will probably be fine with him. Perhaps if you were engaged she would be more comfortable with it. Have you talked to her about the possibility?
2006-09-07 19:56:06 · answer #8 · answered by WitchTwo 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I am looking forward to seeing some answers because my 5 year old is rude and dissrespectful towards my fiance and it is really frustrating. We have tried really hard to build up their relationship but it is hot and cold with her.
Sorry I can't help but you are not alone.
2006-09-07 19:55:53 · answer #9 · answered by wendysorangeblossoms 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋