I'm 31 male a virgin and shy what advice would you give me to help me?

Question

see when it comes to the oppsite sex i'm affraid because i've never had a girlfriend or even kissed a girl before and when i go out to places to meet people i feal like brain shuts down and i don't know what to do. i get real nervous and i feal weird and like if i try to talk to people i feal like there juging me even though they don't know me.im more comfortable just listing and watching people interact but i badly want to be part of the interacting.i feal like the world is passing me buy and i dont want to be left alone.can anyone give me any advice on how i can change..bacause im tired of being alone..

Answer 1

You should see a therapist to help you and give you the tools you need to come out of your shell. The therapist can also help you with your anxiety issues. Once you take care of the anxiety it'll be much easier for you to socialize. Don't deny yourself of getting professional help. You owe it to yourself to do everything you can to make your life better.

Also, are you friendly? Do you have an "open" face, do you smile at people and/or nod your head, or do you come off as a little cold? Because even if you know you're shy, you might be coming off as conceited and unapproachable and not even know it. If you have a friendly and open demeanor, people are more likely to approach you. Remember that everyone is afraid of rejection on some level or other. Act confident (girls love that) and friendly and you'll eventually become confident and friendly. If you're not comfortable interacting in social settings like parties and clubs, then try more low key environments, like places where you can volunteer and use that to practice.

Next time you're out somewhere, approach a girl you like and ask her a question or compliment what she's wearing or her perfume or something. Smile and ask her a few questions about herself. If she responds positively, then you know you can continue on. If she doesn't, move on to another girl you like and try not to let the rejection stop you. It's part of it all and it happens to everyone. You won't know though unless you try.

Do you have any sisters, female cousins, female friends, female co-workers or a female neighbor? Enlist their help and ask them if perhaps you come off wrong. You don't have to change who you are, but you do have to make more of an effort if you want to interact in society more. Have a woman help you a little with your wardrobe if you feel you can use some help in that department. You can find clothes at decent prices that you're comfortable wearing but that show that you made some sort of effort. If the women suggest a new haircut, consider it. Not that you should attract materialistic girls, but being a man whose put-together will be helpful. You don't have to buy expensive clothes though.

One last thing - don't be ashamed of the fact that you haven't kissed a girl yet. You've had to deal with being uncomfortable with that for too long. It's time for you to let it go and to remind yourself of the good things you've done in your life, hold your head up high and use all the right things you've done with your life to boost your self-esteem. By asking for help you're already taking more control of your life. I'm 32, and I'm telling you, plenty of us in this age range are still trying to get our careers and other aspects of our lives straight. Not as many people have it together as you may think. Good luck! :)

Answer 2

Hmmm... You're 31 and want to pursue a relationship. I saw a question on yahoo last week that asked if 14 was too early to start dating. Maybe dating should take place sometime after 14, but before 31.

We need to figure out what can be done to solve this. And it has to be solveable. There are way too many jerks out there who have girlfriends and don't appreciate them. If they can get into relationships, surely, there can be something that can work for you.

Lets face it, when it comes to the opposite sex, or the same sex for some, we will react in many ways, physically, emotionally, and mentally. Our pusle may rise, we may feel feverish, we may feel a drop in the chest.. We may have feelings of passion, love, lust, infatuation. Our minds may be clouded by racing thoughts, fantasies, the stimulation of the other party. I'm sure we all can feel overwhelmed by it time to time. But it has to be a pain if it feels like that all the time.

The first thing I would ask is if you feel uncomfortable in all social settings, or certain types of social settings, or just social settings in general. It could be considered social anxiety, or general anxiety disorder. Cognitive therapy and medication can help this in extreme cases. Beer, in moderation, can help with more mild forms.

The next thing I would ask is how you feel about women in general, or ask how you respond to women. Keep in mind they are people too, even though they are a little different than us men. In my research there are some signigicant differences- too. They look prettier (with the exception of a few drag queens), They like to talk alot. They like to shop too. And most like chocolate. They also like men who show confidence, intelligence, and a sense of humor...

So how do we use this to our advantage? Several ways. I could really go off on a rant here, so I'll pause for now. Let me know if you would like me to continue. Feel free to send a message.

Hope this begins to help, lol

Answer 3

hey , they made a movie about you 9 years early (Ha!)... your taking the first step right now ... you realize your problem ... you care what people think .. piss on them .. get an attitude ... just don't go over board ... just start saying the first on your mind .. no matter what it is ... sometimes the crazier the better .. chicks love to laugh .. it doesn't matter if you got a hump on your back and you limp profusely .. step out of body and become Adam Sander .. or find a attitude you can handle .. and don't hunt chicks ..that's a st-ocker ... go out and have fun by yourself .. go to a bar where they dance .. most guys sit on the side lines like a wallflower while the chicks are dancing with other chicks and i don't care if you can't dance .. just move your hips and arms and show some teeth .. that's smile not Grail .. you will find someone if your not looking for them .. take off your glasses and they look better ... actually I'm looking for material right now when I came across you .. what a line .. I'm a 31year old virgin.. it might work , but its in the delivery .. don't get hung up on it .. nobody likes a whiner .. find something that makes you happy and share with others .. not everybody will respond to you .. and again .. piss on them .. go get em .....

Answer 4

1. If you keep doing what you've been doing, you'll keep getting what you've been getting - Try totally different social settings.
2. Consider talking to a therapist to help you resolve personal issues and concerns that might be getting in the way.
3. Look for every opportunity to build your social skills, which basically comes from being with other people. Even hanging out with other guys helps, simply because you're being social.
4. Don't internalize rejection. If she says no, just move on and don't let that affect your self esteem. Actually, women sort of get rejected too, but for them it usually involves their flirting being ignored.
5. Don't be afraid to break the ice in conversations by talking about anything. Simply talking to girls will improve your chances, because if you sit by the sidelines, your chances are 0.
6. I'd stay away from personals, dating services, and trying to meet people online. The best way to meet girls is to increase your opportunities in your everyday life by getting involved in more social activities.

Hope this helps. Good luck.

PS - I'm having the same problem. I should probably try practicing what I preach. ;)

Answer 5

It's not only that your a 31 year old virgin but you haven't even kissed a girl! Just don't think too much about what could or would happen. Because your 31 and haven't even had a girlfriend yet. Ask out this woman that you really like, what's the worst that could happen? So just do whatever you have to do and don't think about it too much. Your part will be over in like 5 secs, like when your asking sombody out. Just do it, don't think about what could happen

Answer 6

Have you talked to a doctor? because it sounds like you have some "Social Anxiety Disorder". There is medication that helps you less fearful of social interaction, and the feeling that people are judging you.
I know what you're going through! I myself have an incredibly hard time going out to public places, and feel that others are judging me and that they can see that I'm nervous.

It sounds like your anxiety is serious. Talk to your doctor right away and see if there is some help he can give you. In the meantime I'll give you my philosophy that helped me get out into the world:
"Hey, what's the worst that can happen? So what if a couple of people think I'm weird, for some people social interaction is not inherent, but a learned skill. Get out there and practice!"

Answer 7

Buy a girl...


Internet dating, put an add out... what do you have to loose right....Do you have any friends...look for a girl who is equally as shy...maybe you both could find comfort in that.


Don't forget about the bigger girls too???


take a chance,

get a cool guy to help you out and give you advice

Alcohol can be a good assistant

Answer 8

You are shy because you don't have a self-confidence. When you find somebody you like approach her. There is nothing to lose but more to gain. Just think that if you haven't try how would you know if she likes you too? Most importantly don't get discouraged with the first attempt, you're just gaining the skill. Soon, the rest will follow....

Answer 9

Re-read your question, a few more times. Here is your self-talk tape repeating inside your brain, but played in fast forward mode: ... fear, FEAR, fear, FEAR, fear ...

Everybody fears rejection. It is natural. There are large amounts of books written about how to handle that fear, so try a few. Professional counsellors have lots of methods on how to overcome fear.

You are tired of being alone, but you are also tired of fighting your fear. Pay for proper professional help because fear dominates your life a lot. You are motivated, but you just don't have the skills.

The things you want (confidence, ability to carry on a conversation, etc) are all SKILLs. Treat them all like skills that you need to learn, then find a professional to teach it to you.

Do not think that this is new, or that you are the only one suffering. There is BIG business in teaching people such skills. Sales people don't learn their craft from just doing, many of them take professional courses, sometimes repeatedly to hone those skills. You won't need to go that extreme, because you only need to "sell" something that you know better than anyone else in the world: Your companionship. Sales people need to learn their product, learn their customer, then learn to close the sale. No sale, means no job. For you, no sale means no companionship. The stakes are high and you need to channel that paralysis-from-fear-energy into DO-something-to-improve-energy.

Professionals who teach that skill can probably recommend someone who will teach you a personalised and toned-down version. Someone would probably take it on as a personal challenge and some fun. Now, stop wanting, and start doing!

Answer 10

You probably have a sexual & social disorder.
Join a club (church, 12-step, D & D, become a museum docent), exercise, practice by having conversations with any stranger that gives you the time of day--excluding panhandlers & strippers (yes, stay the heck away from strip clubs--they see you coming a mile away!)
Find yourself a mentor, someone who is very social and possesses the kind of social life you want. Don't pick a jerk.
Cease any activity that leads you into passivity.

Ultimately, if you feel you have a real problem get a shrink & work through it.