I have a serious problem....?

Question

My Dad is an Alcoholic, he has been for the past15 years, he's had a heartattack, but continues to drink. In my parents marrage..he cheated, beat her cussed/called awful name...even brought women into our house while she was awy at work. He beat us, called names and had us call some of his girl friends mom...which I never did...so I always got hit. They deviorced and went their ways.The problem is i am grown now...and have made my piece with him...but he is always drunk and never knows who is is on the phone with most of the time..Sometimes he thinks it's one of his girlfriends, and the first thing I hear is something dirty...Even when I say it's me..the conversation seems to flow to that direction.I can't invite him to my house or to parties..because he hits on my friends...even if told ...he's so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have told him to straighten up...or I will never se him again...that was two years ago...he drinks even more now. I have come to the point that I have

not talked to him in 18 months...I miss him...but can't talk to him...I have forgiven his actions in the past. But now I am getting Married to a wonderful person...that understands...But he comes from a very Rich and fromal family...I know my Dad will make a scene no matter what.What do I do?

i tried to get him help at AA ...but he got kicked out from outburst about things that..weren't related...he just says his life is his own.

he drinks his first drink about 5 min...after waking ...so any time of the day he's drunk

Answer 1

That is sad your Dad has serious problems, it sounds like the years of drinking is taking a toll on him, when you talk to him on the phone and he is not aware of who you are hang up. He doesn't remember anyway. I would not invite him over if he continues to act in this manner, It sounds cruel but it is safer if he stays home, If he or one of your friends were hurt it would only add to a bad situation. You can not make him stop drinking, and you can be at piece with him and the past but you need to be safe and distanced from his problems. This sounds off the normal path but if you want to tell him something mail him a letter and he will have it there to read when he is able. I have a feeling he will read it.

Answer 2

wow, that's really sad. You seemed to have handled it very well. Unfortunately there's nothing further you can do. You sound like a very strong person. Alanon is a good program & can help you realize that there are other people out there dealing with the same stuff you are. Sometimes in life no matter what you do situations and/or people may never change. He won't stop until he's ready to stop. If someone makes him stop drinking, he'll just end up picking up again. The best of luck to you at your wedding. If it was me, I would have a brother or favorite uncle or someone that has been there for you as a father figure walk you down the aisle. Good luck & stay strong!

Answer 3

I am sorry to hear about your situation. You are in a tough situation, but deep down inside you really love your Dad. Maybe have parties without booze being there and hopefully he will have a good time. If he does maybe you can convince him he does not need alcohol. He really does need help, but he has to admit he has a problem before anything can be done. Since you seem to love your father if I were you I would try to get him help. Tell him how much he would be missed by you and your family if he died do to his excessive drinking. Tell him how much you love him and that you want him to be around to enjoy his grandchildren because he will be an important part of their life. I think he hides a lot of his own demons when he drinks hoping they will go away. I really hope he gets help because he has a family that really cares about him even though his past behavior was repulsive.

Additional Information
Rich people have their own problems as well. We all have problems. Just explain it to your Fiance's family trust me they have problems too and will understand.

Answer 4

I'm so sorry you had such a terrible time growing up. Life isn't supposed to be that hard, is it? I didn't learn that either until I grew up and moved on my own. All four of my grandparents were alcoholics... a few Aunts and Uncles are too, and so was my father. Your situation is particularly sad since your dad not only continues to drink excessively, but speaks and acts totally inappropriately in front of you. How hard that must be to hear this from him over and over again.

You'll never stop his drinking and you'll never be able to change his behaviour. You are not responsible for his outcome. He is a grown man with a serious problem and he needs to continue down this path until he hits a rock bottom. Only he knows where that bottom is.

You must however, look after yourself. If you catch him one day sober, you can tell him up front how his behaviour makes you feel and how afraid you are about the wedding. No making it pretty either... he needs to hear it raw and uncut. You aren't accusing him of anything when you do this, you are simply stating your feelings. Then you need to tell him you are unable to continue your relationship with him in this manner because it isn't healthy for you. You can tell him you love him but you can not condone his inappropriate behaviour and words.

If you can't catch him sober, write him a letter and mail it. There's no sense talking to a drunk because you are talking to the alcohol and not the person inside. Don't write it and mail it in one day; sleep on it and read again the next day to make sure you are not condescending or accusing with your words (difficult I'm sure... you must be very angry sometimes.)

If you can handle it, and only if you can handle it, check up on him from time to time. When he starts talking inappropriately, you can tell him you will hang up unless he stops. If he doesn't stop, HANG UP. Always follow through with what you say you will do.

And then go to AA meetings. These meetings are not just for alcoholics themselves- they are for friends, spouses, family members and anyone else who is affected by alcohol in any way. You can meet people who can help you identify ways in which you are enabling his behaviour towards you, and how you can stop the cycle.

You can't help your dad and it isn't your fault. I wouldn't plan on him being at your wedding. Even if he has been sober for some time, a wedding would be torture to him with all that alcohol around.

Please love yourself enough to take care of you... if you don't, no one will. You are worth it! You've been through too much already.

Answer 5

You might be surprised how many "rich and formal" families have had to deal with an alcoholic in the family. I think it would be best if you just explain his problem to your future in-laws, and get that out of the way now, so that you can enjoy planning your wedding.

I'm sorry you've had to go through this. Your dad is a person who you love, but can't allow to ruin your special day. If he has a good friend that you know, and you can trust that friend, maybe ask them to "babysit" him the day of the wedding to make sure he stays sober, and to help him go before the reception if you're serving alcohol, if you really want him there. Maybe then, he can be there, and you can still enjoy your wedding (just be sure that his friend is not a drinking buddy).

God bless you, sugar, and I hope your day is absolutely perfect in every way.

Answer 6

I almost cried when I read your story, because my Mom is an alcoholic, and when I got married(not to a fancy pants mind you) I had to think about the exact same problem. I went to Al-Anon for a few months before my wedding, which I know sounds kind of lame, but they helped me deal so much I can't even explain. You have to accept, and it sounds like you have that your father is an alcoholic and do your wedding without your father. Trust me you are going to feel way worse if he attends. Just make up your mind that your not going to beat yourself up about it that's all. And I know it sounds impossible but really you are going to feel worse if he comes. I love my Mom too, but even now when we talk about specific events at my wedding she is completely clueless because she was so drunk. And to top it all off my Mother is a very mean, cruel drunk. She even had the nerve to call me a slut on my wedding day, I gotta say that was a bit of a downer. But luckily I also have a very wonderful, forgiving husband. Good luck my girl, whatever decision you make will be right for you.

Answer 7

Look, you know that you are not responsible for your Dad's alcoholism nor his bad behavior. If you and your fiance can agree to the following plan then I think the following is the best you can do under the circumstances.

Send an invitation to your father; just as you would to anyone that you wanted to attend. DO NOT put any stipulations in it about how he should dress or behave. After waiting what you think is the right number of days to ensure that he has gotten the invitation, call him to make sure he is aware of the invite. in this way you know you made the attempt to let him know that he is welcome.

you and your fiance must realize that you must have a "plan B" because whatever role you want your father to play in your wedding, he may not be capable of fulfilling it. so have an alternate to walk you down the aisle or plan to have both your father and another important person in your life walk you down together. this way if Dad does not come thru then no harm done.

you and your fiance should also decide ahead of time a signal between the two of you and a trusted usher or other concerned friend that you will give if Dad's behavior gets so out of hand that you think he should leave.

now here is the tricky part. getting him to agree to leave and/or forcing him to leave with the least amount of disruption to the ceremonies or reception. this takes some experience like from a police officer or a bouncer at a respectible nightclub or other person who understands how to persuade disagreeable people into doing what you need them to do, ie. leave the scene for your sake.

Part of your plan might also include a waiting taxi, or some other means of getting him home safely.

now i'll agree that this plan is very challenging and may not work out for the best in the end. BUT in the end you will know that you did everything in your power to accomodate your father with integrity.

of course if Dad acts up and embarasses himself, some people will wonder why you invited him in the first place knowing that he was likely to cause trouble.

well here is your answer to that and also the reason why i felt compelled to provide an answer for you. our family has a brother-in-law who is a giant pain in our butt. he has treated his wife terribly over the years and she still stays married to him and puts up with him as best she can. at our family gatherings, he occupies all of the conversations, is too loud and is sometimes downright mean to us. now that he has been getting sicker with diabetes, i am sure all of us have been glad that he is not able to attend our family functions. well now he is dying, has about 3 months left to live and jokingly I said to him and his wife that I want to be the one to give the eulogy at church. i even started to write the beginning of the eulogy, then was stopped in my tracks when the thought came to me that while we were all busy complaining about him to each other we never stopped to see God in him. of course i was knocked right down off my horse (like Paul) with this thought, and went to his wife with it immediately. Her instantaneous reply was that he was here to help us learn to love unconditionally!!!

ENOUGH SAID.

Answer 8

Be kind and forgiving to your dad as he has a real problem. Don't invite him to your wedding unless you want it to be the worst day of your life. If he isn't man enough to straighten up and be a man you own him nothing. Have a wonderful wedding but keep dad out of it. He may never know the difference any way. It's sad but that's life. It is time for you to move on with your life and not be weighed down with his problems. Good luck and God Bless you.

Answer 9

Get in contact with either Al-anon or Ala-teen and AA. All these organizations can help you. Your Dad needs help. If he doesn't stop drinking he will either end up dead or in a Mental institution or prison. AA can arrange an intervention but your dad needs to want help. You need to speak to Al-anon etc. to make sure that you are not an enabler, that is you unintentionally aid him in his drinking. An alcoholic needs to be isolated so that he understands that he has not option other than ceasing to drink. When he gets to that stage then he can be helped. Best wishes. Recovery is possible I promise.

Answer 10

you can make peace and love your dad but it does not mean you have include him in with your life. I dont have the same problem but I can little relate to you. I have a dad that was not really there when I was a child but a santa clause which means that he came to see me and my sister at christmas. I found out him more than I wanted to know about him. I forgive him for everything that he did too me and my sister ie not being around when we needed him to be around maybe it is a good thing, but it does not mean I have to give him anything or have to him to be part of life. Decide if you want him in your life or not. If you decide not have him in your life, it does not mean you have to keep him away from your life. If he quits drinking maybe than you can get a real relationship started. You dont have to disown him in order to keep have your own life, it just mean that you dont want anything to do with him for a while.